Keep Your Distance From My Client’s Luggage

Patti LaBelle

She's alive? I wouldn't have bet on it (Image via Wikipedia)

I saw on the news this weekend that singer Patti LaBelle stands accused of ordering her bodyguards to attack a man who got too close to her luggage at the Houston, Texas airport. I’ve done some thinking about what I’ve read, and I’m going to take today’s post to speak directly to Ms. LaBelle about the predicament she finds herself in.

Ms. LaBelle, my name is Omawarisan. I know that you’re in a tough spot vis-à-vis your legal situation. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I can help you. I am experienced in designing defenses for people in tight spots. You may recall my advocacy on behalf of flight attendant Steven Slater…or maybe you don’t. Whichever is the case, I stand prepared to help you out of your situation with a defense that no “lawyer” can or will put on in your behalf.

Let’s start with a review of your situation as it is reported.

This Does Not Look Good For You

Ma’am, according to my source, you’re accused of having your bodyguards attack a man you felt was standing too close to your luggage. This does not look good for you. Most people don’t have anyone they can direct to administer beatings for heinous acts like people being proximate to their luggage. Perhaps that is a common thing for people with bodyguards to do. The thing is, there aren’t going to be a lot of people on the jury who have bodyguards.

The Next Eisenhower?

Lets face it, neither of us is of this caliber. Right now, you're a little farther from it (Image by West Point Public Affairs via Flickr)

Your problem gets worse. The young man who your luggage guards beat was a senior at the United States Military Academy at West Point. Yes, that West Point. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the young men and women who defend us are very well regarded here in the US. The fact that this person who took a beating was a serviceman isn’t going to play well with a jury. Multiply that by him being such a fine young man that he was accepted into West Point and I think we can agree that you have a problem.

Let’s summarize. A jury is going to hear that you ordered the beating of a West Point Cadet for the offense of standing too close to your luggage, something that the rest of us endure every time we fly. Patti, you need my help. Bad.

Mr. Omawarisan For The Defense

I think we can both see that you are going to be paying out some major league cash for this little event. I’m prepared to come to your defense for a portion of what you’re going to pay when this goes to trial without me. My defense requires you to put your ego aside. You’ll find it worth while once you find you’re not paying this deserving young man for the rest of your life and his.

When the headline popped up on my computer saying that you were accused of ordering this  attack, my first thought was “I thought she was dead”. Ms. LaBelle, I’m betting that I’m not the only one who thought that.  I’m prepared to parlay your lack of a career into a successful defense. I’ll need you to transfer a significant sum to my bank account and sign a document allowing me to handle your case in your absence. Your lack of involvement in your defense is critical to your defense.

At trial, I will call no witnesses. I will ask no questions of witnesses called by our opposition. I will do nothing but make a simple closing argument: “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. I ask you only to consider one question.  That question is simply this – if I’d have asked you before this trial if Patti LaBelle were alive or dead, would you have said dead? If you thought she was dead you must acquit her of wrong doing in this matter. My client could not have ordered this assault if she was dead.”

I know your first reaction is no. I understand that. But the fact that most people have thought you were dead is in your favor in this case. I’m just asking you to play dead. Play dead, and pay me. I’ll handle the rest.

You know you’re in over your head here, Patti. Right now you’re out there on your own. I can help. Show me the money, or show him more.


44 Comments on “Keep Your Distance From My Client’s Luggage”

  1. Are you some sort of psychic? Are you the boy from the sixth sense? Who the F*@!$ are you talking to?

    • omawarisan says:

      I have a lot of powers, including communicating with dead, yet allegedly aggressive, R&B singers in order to get paid by them. Thank you for recognizing those powers on your first visit here.

  2. jacquelincangro says:

    Sounds like Patti needs a “New Attitude.” I think you’re just the one to help her Oma. Dead or alive.

  3. That’s a pretty solid defense. I’d hire you. Of course, no one thinks I’m dead.

  4. The Jagged Man says:

    I heard Harry Caray calling a celebrity softball game from heaven the other day. He said that Patti LaBelle was on deck and batting after Pally Shore. Someone said they weren’t dead yet. “Well no” said Harry “but their careers are!” Good luck in your defense, though I think it would work, I doubt her ego will allow her to see keeping her mouth shut is really a good idea.

  5. afrankangle says:

    Dang … I can see a TV episode in the making.

  6. “Your lack of involvement in your defense is critical to your defense.” Amen.

    I’m still not convinced she’s alive. You sure it wasn’t Aretha Franklin?

  7. I trust you as a defense attorney far more than Matthew McConaughey.

  8. shoutabyss says:

    I read the article and watched the video. Maybe the bodyguards attacked because of that annoying insect clicking sound? I know I would.

    After reading your legal analysis I mainly just feel sad. Sad that I don’t have bodyguards, too. I guess because this celebrity had a hit song once she’s a more important person than me. That makes sense.

    I especially liked how, after the young man was beaten to the point he could barely stand, she was thoughtful enough to pose for photographs.

    This whole episode kind of reminds me of a scene in An Officer and a Gentleman.

    “Are you eyeballing my luggage, boy? Don’t you eyeball my luggage!”

  9. Lenore Diane says:

    This is bad to admit, yet I not only admit it – but I admit it within the blogosphere…. I get Aretha and Patti mixed up. I know. Awful, right? I have more R-E-S-P-E-C-T for Aretha. Maybe Patti was PMSing? Right. She’s past that stage. Nevermind. Go with your idea…

  10. madtante says:

    “Yes, that West Point.”

    “On your own.”

    I love me some Ms. LaBelle don’t get me wrong but I want personal guards cos I have lots of people who need beatings for real shizzle.

  11. Kim Pugliano says:

    Ahhh Patti, you have an uncanny ability to come back to life along with Jerry Lewis, who I checked on Wikipedia and is apparently still living but I don’t believe it. Not for a second.

    • omawarisan says:

      You’re stalking Jerry Lewis arent you?

      • Kim Pugliano says:

        Is it that obvious? Damn. I just watched the video again and that dude got hammered! I’m really angry with dead Patti! And then the cops were like, “Take my picture!” If I ever see her ghost walking around my part of town I’m kickin her ass back to wherever she reincarcerated from.

        Maybe I shouldn’t be telling this to you.

        Pretend you didn’t read that. I’ll just speak firmly to her, I swear.

  12. The only flaw in your strategy may be that because people think she’s dead, she may also be broke!

  13. Jane says:

    If Miss Patti would have just settled for a personal
    Blues Band to follow her around, she wouldn’t be in this predicament!

    If you had known that she was alive, you could have charged her for that idea instead.

  14. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    We need to consult the full body scan before we can make a determination if she’s alive or dead, filled with popcorn peanuts, or lacking a heart and a brain.

  15. Katybeth says:

    Reading the first comment did not make me happy! Do you need help from my blog guards? I don’t have any but I have friends. One-maybe two.
    Sheesh..Patti LaMorran must have missed the lesson on using her words…She needs you…she really does.

    • omawarisan says:

      She does perhaps need to use her words…more than just telling goons that some kid is in the same airspace as her American Tourister.

      I was reading the first one as being in support of the she’s dead defense. He’s not near my luggage.

  16. Omalegalsan, you could always use the “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” defense. There’s bound to be something that doesn’t fit. Or is it too soon?

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh for sure something doesn’t fit. I could get one of those big copper divers helmets – “look, her hair won’t even go in, you must acquit”

  17. I think celebrities should be allowed to attack anyone they want, no matter the reason. If I’m going to be attacked, I’d prefer to be attacked by someone famous.

    • omawarisan says:

      I could get behind that if they used extraordinary means. If you ever see that I have been run down and mauled by Paula Deen’s cheetah, know I am cool with it because I respect the method even though I dont like her all that much.

  18. Laura says:

    The problem with the “she’s dead” defense is that if she’s dead, she doesn’t have to pay her attorney.

  19. spencercourt says:

    You may recall that the cops who beat Rodney King insisted that the video didn’t tell the “whole story.”

    As your defense co-counsel, who graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Ferdinand Marcos Online School of Law, I will make the same defense.

    In fact, you cannot see what happened before they come into view late in the video. Most importantly, you cannot hear what he said. It went like this….

    He: M’am, did anyone tell you look like like Patti LaBelle?

    She: I AM PAtti Labelle!

    He: You are? She’s dead!

  20. I don’t know how I missed this story…truly disgusting! Why do dead people need bodyguards (or luggage)?


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