Keep Your Distance From My Client’s LuggagePosted: June 6, 2011
I saw on the news this weekend that singer Patti LaBelle stands accused of ordering her bodyguards to attack a man who got too close to her luggage at the Houston, Texas airport. I’ve done some thinking about what I’ve read, and I’m going to take today’s post to speak directly to Ms. LaBelle about the predicament she finds herself in.
Ms. LaBelle, my name is Omawarisan. I know that you’re in a tough spot vis-à-vis your legal situation. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I can help you. I am experienced in designing defenses for people in tight spots. You may recall my advocacy on behalf of flight attendant Steven Slater…or maybe you don’t. Whichever is the case, I stand prepared to help you out of your situation with a defense that no “lawyer” can or will put on in your behalf.
Let’s start with a review of your situation as it is reported.
This Does Not Look Good For You
Ma’am, according to my source, you’re accused of having your bodyguards attack a man you felt was standing too close to your luggage. This does not look good for you. Most people don’t have anyone they can direct to administer beatings for heinous acts like people being proximate to their luggage. Perhaps that is a common thing for people with bodyguards to do. The thing is, there aren’t going to be a lot of people on the jury who have bodyguards.
Your problem gets worse. The young man who your luggage guards beat was a senior at the United States Military Academy at West Point. Yes, that West Point. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the young men and women who defend us are very well regarded here in the US. The fact that this person who took a beating was a serviceman isn’t going to play well with a jury. Multiply that by him being such a fine young man that he was accepted into West Point and I think we can agree that you have a problem.
Let’s summarize. A jury is going to hear that you ordered the beating of a West Point Cadet for the offense of standing too close to your luggage, something that the rest of us endure every time we fly. Patti, you need my help. Bad.
Mr. Omawarisan For The Defense
I think we can both see that you are going to be paying out some major league cash for this little event. I’m prepared to come to your defense for a portion of what you’re going to pay when this goes to trial without me. My defense requires you to put your ego aside. You’ll find it worth while once you find you’re not paying this deserving young man for the rest of your life and his.
When the headline popped up on my computer saying that you were accused of ordering this attack, my first thought was “I thought she was dead”. Ms. LaBelle, I’m betting that I’m not the only one who thought that. I’m prepared to parlay your lack of a career into a successful defense. I’ll need you to transfer a significant sum to my bank account and sign a document allowing me to handle your case in your absence. Your lack of involvement in your defense is critical to your defense.
At trial, I will call no witnesses. I will ask no questions of witnesses called by our opposition. I will do nothing but make a simple closing argument: “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. I ask you only to consider one question. That question is simply this – if I’d have asked you before this trial if Patti LaBelle were alive or dead, would you have said dead? If you thought she was dead you must acquit her of wrong doing in this matter. My client could not have ordered this assault if she was dead.”
I know your first reaction is no. I understand that. But the fact that most people have thought you were dead is in your favor in this case. I’m just asking you to play dead. Play dead, and pay me. I’ll handle the rest.
You know you’re in over your head here, Patti. Right now you’re out there on your own. I can help. Show me the money, or show him more.