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When I Am Rich: My Fireworks Staff.

Fireworks on the Fourth of July

Dear fireworks, I love you. (Image via Wikipedia)

I love fireworks.

Yes, it is Independence Day here in the U.S. and I’m sure you could find a ton of folks who would make a bold statement like “I love fireworks”. I’ll go farther though. I will tell you that when this blog makes me ridiculously rich, I will have fireworks people on my staff so I can have shows year round.

My Fireworks Staff

When I am ridiculously rich, I will have about a dozen people employed full-time on my fireworks operation. They will be very well paid and will do most of their work between shows at my fireworks laboratory. Sometimes they will go out on my fireworks research ship to test their creations at sea, far from the prying eyes of fireworks spies.

Vanguard (T-AGM-19) seen here as a NASA Skylab...

My fireworks research vessel (Image via Wikipedia)

A few times per year, I will meet them at the fireworks ship and we will go to sea. Way out in the ocean, they will reveal to me their latest creations, then I will reveal to them their raises. And there will be rejoicing.

Periodically, we will sell to other companies the rights to reproduce the copyrighted work of my firework designers. This will help fund my continued operations.

Non-traditional Shows

Having my own fireworks staff would enable me to have shows at times and places of my choosing. I’d schedule most of them in advance to be considerate of my staff’s personal time. I’d still keep the option on the table to have some shows on short notice. Maybe what I’ll do is just keep a few people on call for that.

Maybe I’d have a show for a friend’s birthday. Perhaps I’d have one when a neighbor’s kid learned to ride a bike. Maybe I’d have them set up a fireworks show on my train and fire them off as I zoomed down the track. I would take full advantage of being rich enough to make a good day better through pyrotechnics.

The First Project

D-6 parachute

Just like this, except replace the guy with 400 pounds of colorful kablamness (Image via Wikipedia)

My first directive to my firework people is going to be to create a firework based on this idea: a firework with a parachute. I have faith in them, I’m sure they can make it happen.

Imagine being at a firework display. In the midst of all the fun and the shells going off, you hear one particularly loud shell being fired. You wait and wait, but nothing happens. Meanwhile, the show rages on around you and you soon forget about the unusually loud shell. At about that moment it goes off with a giant flash and a roar, garnering a startled scream and then a roar of approval from the crowd. That’s what the first public display of my parachute firework is going to be like.

The parachute shell will be fired to a ridiculous height, far beyond that of any other shell. (There will have to be permits or something. I’ll get someone on that, no need for you and I to concern ourselves with it.) At the top of its flight, the shell will deploy its parachute and gently drift toward the ground. Three or four minutes later, it will have descended down to about the height of the other fireworks that have been going off below it and will go off there…the loudest and brightest shell of the show.

Just for fun, I might have  a second one fired on that debut night, during the grand finale. The show would end, no one would know it was up there until it went off, three minutes later, while they were folding up their blankets. Bwahahahaha!

I am committed to my parachute firework concept. If you are thinking about applying to be one of my firework people, do not even send me your résumé unless you feel certain you can make this happen. I will be a fun rich guy who spends money foolishly, but I want what I want. I want a parachute firework.

Enjoy the shows tonight!

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16 Comments on “When I Am Rich: My Fireworks Staff.”

  1. Katybeth says:

    I adore fireworks and let Cole spent a ridiculous amount of his money and mine at a Cosco sized firework store. We set them all off in the alley behind our house which looks like a war zone in the morning when we pull out the brooms.
    By God’s good grace we all stay safe and foolish to see another year.
    A firework with a parachute–Brilliant. It will work.

    Happy 4th. Have fun-be mindful.

    • omawarisan says:

      Mindfulness is good. I’m going to a professionally done fireworks show. Of course. they’ve set the march on fire 7 of the last 10 years so professional is sort of relative.

  2. madtante says:

    We have a fireworks factory (unless currently blown-up) which blows up now and then. One time, it blew up an 8-months pregnant worker. That got news coverage but usually, when the house shakes midday (it’s only 2 miles or so as the crow flies), we know it blew up again.

    They’ve provided fireworks for Fair St. Louis and many other larger cities’ displays. They’re the big-boomers, not meant for consumers. Our neighbors over the valley are friends and BOY do they have a party for a few night. Talk about shaking the house (that much closer)? Whew.

  3. Blogdramedy says:

    The only people who don’t like things that explode are crotchety old men with bad gas.

    Wait. What? Oh. I guess that’s why. 😉

  4. I would celebrate with the fireworks all the time. I would play pick-up basketball at the park and motion for fireworks every time I made a good shot. The other players would hate me, but they would appreciate my style.

  5. spencercourt says:

    Unlike the wussies in the U.S., the Philippines believes that it is your right to mutilate yourself with fireworks. The Philippines has the gamut of fireworks. At the bottom is the triangular “triangulo” which, if it blows up in your hand, leaves it burning but that’s about it.

    About mid-range is the “bawang”, which means “garlic” in the local language. Not sure why it a firecracker was named for that. You’ll probably lose whichever fingers are holding a bawang if it goes off early.

    The macho men go with the “A-bomb”, which will take most of your hand if it goes off prematurely. After New Year’s. the Philippine papers always had a few photos of folks who lost most of their hand to an A-bomb. “

  6. Laura says:

    You probably need a team of researchers devoted solely to finding the optimal firework parachute material. I’m guessing it should be something like kerosene-soaked silk, for maximum effect.

    • omawarisan says:

      I was talking about this with my son. I think maybe some magnesium in the parachute to get it burning good. I thought the whole parachute could be magnesium but he says it isn’t strong enough.

  7. linlah says:

    I’m sure I can do that parachute firework so you can stop taking applications.

  8. planetross says:

    I wonder what fireworks would look like if they were shot off of the moon?
    … probably really small.
    I’d pay for a grandstand seat for them!

    note: you sound like a “fireworkaholic”! hee hee!

  9. The Jagged Man says:

    Stealth parachute fireworks delivered from a stealth plane launched from a stealth ship. Just do not forget where you left the ship!

  10. pienbiscuits says:

    Can I live in your world, Oma? It sounds like so much fun!


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