The Policies Of My Administration: Full Employment

Alexander Fleming receives the Nobel prize fro...

What it will look like when I win the Nobel Prize, if I start looking like that guy (Image via Wikipedia)

I have faced many of the important issues of our day as I prepare for my administration to take over running the world. Today, I am delving into the territory of politicians. No politician of any stripe has ever been able to put forward a practical plan to make sure every able-bodied person can find a job.

Because I am not a politician, I do have a plan. Because I am simply going to take over running things and don’t have to run for office, I can make my plan work.

A Good Plan Based On Bad Technology

Modern business runs on technology. Without computers, faxes and Blackberries most offices are dead in the water. There is one piece of office machinery that is supreme in its lack of reliability and its ability to shut an office down dead. That machine is the core of my plan to put the entire planet to work.

Office copiers are the single most unreliable piece of equipment ever devised. They have always been good at one thing – breaking down. Rather than improved technology being used to increase their reliability, these machines have become more complex. They are able to do more during the brief time that they are up and running than ever before. Despite their new abilities, copiers are less reliable than their counterparts were twenty years ago. Technological innovation has only created more ways for these machines to malfunction.

You Get A Copier And You Get A Copier And You Get A Copier…

Part one of my plan for full employment is to provide every household on the planet with a copy machine.

Original Description: Full-length profile port...

Cooling out at the yurt, waiting for the copier guy (Image via Wikipedia)

Yes, every household. If they have a slate roof, a thatched roof of palm leaves, or the domed roof of an igloo they will get a top of the line copier. Copy, print, fax, scan, collate, two-sided, color with a built-in stapler. Your new copier will do it all!

Giving a copier to every household will raise employment. Prized manufacturing jobs would become plentiful as industry geared up to meet the demand fueled by my administration. Unemployment would drop just based on the huge manufacturing effort. Factor in employees to ship and install the machines and you’ll see unemployment shrink.

Local economies around these copier factories will flourish with all the money workers will spend on food, shelter and entertainment. But manufacturing and installing these machines are not the complete policy. Yes, it gets even better!

Zero Reliability = Zero Unemployment

A Canon IR2270. An example of a mid-range Offi...

Out of order (Image via Wikipedia)

Copiers are not going to become any more reliable than they are now. They haven’t for decades, there isn’t any reason to think they’ll become problem free in the future. Their poor reliability is the key to completing the full employment picture.

By my calculations, manufacturing a copier for every household on the planet, then constantly replacing machines as they become outdated will cut world unemployment down to about 2%. My administration will achieve zero unemployment by training anyone who does not have a job at that point as copier repair technicians.

Hundreds of millions of copiers out there constantly breaking down will create a huge demand for people to repair them. The anticipated demand will provide employment for that 2% that remained jobless after the manufacturing portion of the plan is ramped up.

It Is Crystal Clear Now Isn’t It?

Two steps. Copiers break. Everyone works. Economic renaissance. World peace. Social justice. Nobel Prize. October Tenth. Nominate me.

30 Comments on “The Policies Of My Administration: Full Employment”

  1. Todd Pack says:

    I was going to volunteer to work on your campaign and pass out flyers, but when I went to make copies … well, you know.

  2. Z.N. Singer says:

    Necessity is the mother of invention, so you will also have to take steps to insure nobody does improve the copy machine. I know, it’s unreliability seems impregnable, but it’s just such assumptions that have caused the greatest upsets in history. Don’t be one of them omawarisan.

  3. Z.N. Singer says:

    Remember, they thought the Titanic couldn’t sink.

  4. I was just about to ask if you worked where I work because I swear that’s my office’s copier in that picture, but then I realized my office’s copier has a sign on that says, “Out of Order.”

    What if I don’t have room in my house for a copier? Will you build an addition or bumpout or something?

  5. Copy that, Oma. You’ve got my vote.

  6. Spectra says:

    When I saw the photo of the woman standing outside her ‘yurt’, what I thought you’d planned to do, was outlaw and eliminate ALL copiers, worldwide! And employ third-world workers and all the unemployed to work as “copiers”, hand copying everything, one letter, one word at a time! Think of the possibilities?! No one would ever be out of work again!

  7. Ludakristen says:

    I want a 10′ by 10′ poster of all of the copies of all of world’s citizens’ butt cheeks after this endeavor takes place.

  8. Betty says:

    With this policy, you could further reduce unemployment because there would be a greater need for mental health professionals to accommodate uptick in nervous breakdowns.

  9. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I’m thinking that there is massive brilliance to this idea, except for one minor flaw, and that is, most people who have copiers don’t instinctively call the copier repair people right away. We (those of us who have copiers now) will stand in front of it, stare at it for an hour, open and slam the 65 door panels on it, turn 74 knobs that appear to do nothing, turn on and off the power switch at least a dozen times, go back to our computers and hit “Print” again – at least 9 times, and then curse some more and finally call the repair person. By then, it’s the next day. I’ve – I mean – we’ve gotten nothing done at work. This goes on for weeks, months. We get fired because we’re not producing enough. Whew. I just don’t know.

    I think we can be confident that no one will improve on the copier machine. Have we managed to do that with the vacuum cleaner? Hah. Bring back the mimeograph. At least we can all get high on the fumes and then live blissfully unaware of the unemployment problem.

  10. Kim Pugliano says:

    I used to LOVE when the copier jammed. I’ve always been the queen of unjamming the copier. You really will rule the world.

  11. shoutabyss says:

    It is interesting to watch Rick Perry in action. Based on how he acts and speaks, you can easily envision the strategy session they must have held.

    “Where is Obama weak?”



    “Excellent. That’s where we’ll attack. We’ll hit ’em hard and hammer it until the cows come home.”

    “Won’t people then naturally want to know how we’ll create jobs, then?”

    “Most likely, they won’t. They are easily distracted. But just in case they do, we’ll talk in vague generalities, offer up no real specifics, and mention indirectly mention things that benefit the super-rich. They’ve been buying that for decades.”

  12. We found him Captain!! says:

    I Will take the job of making sure no one improves the reliability of the copy machine. Anyone suspected of trying to improve it will be punished.
    We cannot afford to have any smart ass try to destroy this plan. It’s our only hope for salvation.
    I’m even ready to form a posse to sneak into office buildings early every morning and put phony “out of order” signs on every copier in the building.

    I will leave tomorrow, be at the Empire State building in NYC by Saturday and start my work slow down immediately.

    Please advise me directly if you have any orders…..I like your plan and my efforts will get you into the White House even faster.

    • omawarisan says:

      Hey, wait a minute…I’m not interested in the White House. I am aiming for the entire world.

      I was taught that anyone that spent millions to get a 100k job was suspect, so politics are out.

      My directions for you are to find some good prosciutto and eat it, then check back with me.

  13. I’m catching up and I understand this was posted on a Wednesday, but I suspect it developed from a case of the Mondays, n’est-ce pas?

    • omawarisan says:

      My Mondays are usually on Sunday, so perhaps it did. If the copier is broken when I get to work…or actually when it is broken when I get to work…I know no one is coming to fix it.

      Catching up? OK, partial credit, but remember that work is due by the due date or your grade suffers.

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