Hey, Pumpkin.

Pumpkins, photographed in Canada.

Hey Pumpkin, know your role (Image via Wikipedia)

Hey, Pumpkin. It is the time of year when you become a trendy food ingredient.

Pie. Soup. Casserole. Beer. Bread. The list of foods that you add nothing to goes on and on.

I oppose your presence in all these foods.

Stop It. You Are Not Food. You Are A Decoration.

The orange food group is quite limited. Carrots, sweet potatoes, oranges. Beyond that, there isn’t much interest. Some people would add Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to that list. To those people, I say slow down and unwrap.  

You did not make the list, Pumpkin. You are decoration, not food. Maybe you can find work as a scarecrow’s head.

I Recognize That You Have Your Fans. I Will Not Be Moved.

People pretend to like you to get closer to the whipped cream.

People pretend to like you to get closer to the whipped cream. (image-Bradley Stemke via Wikimedia)

When I speak ill of you, your fans pipe up with glowing descriptions of how delicious you are when you are seasoned and in a pie. I will not be moved. You are not a food to these people, you are a vessel for their cinnamon and nutmeg lust. You are a delivery system for spices.

I’ve never said this to a pie filling before, Pumpkin. You get in the way of the flavor of the crust. I would never dream of saying that to Cherry, Blueberry or even Apple. Only you, Pumpkin.

People pretend to like you in a pie because they want your whipped cream.

What’s that? You came from a plant? Nice try nature boy. Pine cones come from plants too. You don’t see me crunching them down, with or without nutmeg.

Pumpkin, You Have Marketable Skills

Ready... Aim...

Image by Joe Shlabotnik via Flickr

You are best suited to being shot out of a cannon or a catapult.

You excel at that, Pumpkin, and I applaud you for it. Stay with that – it is your strength. You don’t see Peas in a cannon, do you? How about Corn? No. Peas and Corn know their places. They do what they’re good at.

So let’s review how it will be between us this year, Pumpkin. I will cut a funny face in you. I’m thinking something with triangular eyes and snaggly teeth, but I’m open to suggestion. I’ll put a candle in you for Halloween. After that, I will dispose of you and you can do your biodegrading thing.

No bread. No pie. Hear me on this, Pumpkin – no beer. Stay out of beer. Let it go. We all have our roles. Know yours and stick to it.

I’m glad we could have this chat.

And did Pumpkin play nice and do as I asked? Nope. It had to get ugly.

49 Comments on “Hey, Pumpkin.”

  1. It’s too bad you’ve taken this position (again, still, whatever). I could hook you up with some pumpkin…and carrots…and…zucchini…and yellow squash….and melons…and…

    I’m generally opposed to cold weather, but I find myself looking forward to the first frost.

  2. KathiD says:

    Frightened by pumpkin pie as a boy?

  3. Jennifer says:

    I am right there with you on this post. I, myself, don’t mind the smell in candles or fragrance sprayers. I will not allow the pumpkin scourge in my appetizers, dinner, dessert, or beverages. It has its place and you are correct, it is not in food!! Thank you for making this known!

  4. Z.N. Singer says:

    Hey – I *like* pumpkin pie. And I don’t have it with cream.

  5. Z.N. Singer says:

    I mean, hey, if pumpkin delivers those flavors better than the others, that works doesn’t it? Could you really use cinnamon and nutmeg that way with the others? Banana? Don’t make me shudder. Cherry? Not on top of this one. Apple? Well maybe apple, but it couldn’t be called the same.

  6. Jane says:

    Harboring a long-term resentment of innovative vegetables is probably a sign of an inappropriate response to the old nursery rhyme about Peter Peter. You may actually be reacting to the double name and not the pumpkin. It may be beneficial to embark on a lengthy voyage into your past, after which you will no longer have to bear the torment that you are expressing in this post. Such a trip usually involves massive outlays of money, however.

    You have many supportive followers who will be supporting your journey through this mental morass. You will be well and happy when this is over. You may possibly be broke as well.

    Bon Voyage!

  7. Melissa says:

    awww. you don’t have to be so mean to the pumpkin. it’s not his fault he is so beautiful and yummy!

  8. Hee hee, funny as always 🙂 Loved the “nature boy” comment. Love it when you sass the vegetables. Or fruit. Wait which is it?

    Mmmm. Love pumpkin. Love pumpkin beer — only way I can manage to drink the stuff at all. Don’t tell me you don’t like pumpkin ravioli! With a little butter and parmesan and fried sage? Try this recipe, maybe it will change your mind. It’s not sweet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeB13UMNV9s

  9. I’m with you bro! And I would expand the boycott to include all members of the squash family. Especially zucchini.

  10. Betty says:

    Wow, I sense a lot of hostility here.

  11. Laura says:

    We can still be friends, Oma, because I pride myself on my ability to stay friends with people who have crazy, wrongheaded ideas. I also pride myself on my diplomacy.

    Of course, if you ever write anything even remotely negative about chocolate, it’s all over.

  12. Lenore Diane says:

    Frickin’ frackin’, Oma. You’ve ruined everything. I never stopped to think about why I liked pumpkin and whether or not it was worthy to be food. And then, like someone ‘blurting’ out the murderer before the mystery is solved you state:
    “…you are a vessel for their cinnamon and nutmeg lust. You are a delivery system for spices.”

    I cannot unsee that! I cannot unread that! I cannot pretend to not realizing what you wrote is ….gasp… true! Ding dangity. It is the cinnamon and nutmeg. Frickin’ frackin ….

  13. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I can’t resurrect my original comment when this was first posted but I think it went something like this: $%#@! How in the h$((! can you #$^*&#$ #$#( &^%$ #$$#@ (*!+++*&% %^$ ##@@! **&^^&!!!!

    Perhaps I should copy that down for your 2012 revisit of this slanderous post. ;-\

  14. bronxboy55 says:

    You have relieved my burden forever. From now on, when asked to explain my disdain for pumpkin anything, I will stay silent and hand off a printed link to this post. Thank you.

  15. shoutabyss says:

    This post almost literally made me figuratively spray my monitor with my pumpkin spice latte. Orange you impressed by that?

  16. spencercourt says:

    But why carve pumpkins instead of watermelons?

  17. madtante says:

    Pumpkins are awesome. You’re so wrong on this one!

  18. linlah says:

    Whipped cream is the only reason I eat pumpkin pie, it’s actually the only time of the year I consume either of those foods.

  19. Amen! I hate pumpkin. I got a text the other week declaring the arrival of pumpkin scones at Starbucks. I was in mourning all day.

  20. […] cracked me up with her take on well packaged goods. Over the weekend, Oma broke the news to me that pumpkins are not really food. And, Amy made me squeal with delight, as she shared her handmade envelope covered with monkeys […]

  21. Pie says:

    Pumpkin beer? Are you sure?!!

  22. dottiemaggie says:

    . . . I have 2 large cansof pumpkin in my pantry right now, and plans for both ‘regular’ pumpking pie and pumpkin cream pie this weekend. . .
    . . .and I ALWAYS chave cans of pumpkin in my pantry. For when the craving for pumpkin spice loaf hits me or my friends (they like it best out of all my loafs…)

    so you can probably guess where I stand on the pumpkin as food thing 😛

    (I do always make sure the people I’m sharing a turkey weekend feast with LIKE pumpkin before I decide what pie to bring, though! I won’t force pumpkin on the unwilling. . . )

  23. […] have found the end of my patience. I reached out to you with a piece that urged you to pursue the things you were best suited to succeed in. You turned your back when I came to you. Now, it is on between […]

  24. […] have found the end of my patience. I reached out to you with a piece that urged you to pursue the things you were best suited to succeed in. You turned your back when I came to you. Now, it is on between […]

  25. […] asked you nicely to stay out of food. You didn’t follow through on that. Pumpkin, remember that James Taylor song – Ananas? It […]

  26. […] believe that my position on Pumpkin is well established. I know that it is easy for an individual who takes a strong position to […]

  27. […] repaying that debt, and I’m writing to warn you. Be careful, Oma. A battle is beginning, and our mutual enemy is gathering an […]

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