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I Am On Steroids

X-ray room in the Elliot Community Hospital

I received so much radiation I should be Godzilla (Image by Keene and Cheshire County (NH) Historical Photos via Flickr)

I am on steroids.

I’ve been having trouble with my neck and shoulder. I talked to my doctor about it at my physical last week, he took some x-rays and gave me a prescription. No change, they still hurt.

Yesterday, I went back to the doctor. We agreed that I wanted to keep both my neck and shoulder, so I’m going to see a specialist. In the mean time, I am going to be taking steroids for about a week. I thought I ought to warn you about that.

Possible Side Effects On The Blog

I’m only going to be on steroids for about a week, so these potential side effects on the blog and me should be temporary.

Posts here on Blurt might be shorter than usual because steroids tend to stunt growth.

The posts may be quite intense and filled with rage. I apologize in advance for any scalding blasts of words. The steroids are supposed to make me irritable, with delusions and impaired judgment.

Cropped screenshot of Yul Brynner at the Copen...

Yul could be wearing a chimp costume in this picture. Can you say he isn't? (Image via Wikipedia)

Perhaps part of the irritation will be due to me suffering an increased risk of baldness and excessive hair growth at the same time. I expect to look like Yul Brynner in a gorilla costume. I think you’d be a little agitated if that happened to you, so stop judging me.

I may also suffer from delusions. Oh, and grow breasts. Breasts are fine, in their place. I’m not that place, and I’d appreciate it if you would stop looking at me like that. My eyes are up here. Thank you.

On the plus side, my voice may get deeper. Maybe I can get a job in radio. I’ll change my name to Jack Daniels, because it seems to me that every city in the US has to have a DJ named Jack Daniels.

Or none of these things could happen, the inflamed disc in my neck could go down and stop pressing on the nerve that makes my shoulder hurt. If that happens, I could get a good nights sleep and all would be right with the world.

No, they aren’t getting bigger, stop looking. What’s your problem? How hard would it be to listen to me and not stare at my chest for once? Geez.

Does this shirt show too much?

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38 Comments on “I Am On Steroids”

  1. I’m sorry. Did you say something? I was distracted for a moment.

  2. madtante says:

    Meh, hope you’re better soon. My shoulder hurts EVERY DAY…for years now. I expect it always will. The upside is my spine hurt/s everyday since 2 fusions when I was 15: you get used to it. Sort of.

  3. Spectra says:

    Really..you’re going out wearing THAT? What kind of message are you trying to send? Sheesh.

    I was unwittingly on steroids for a long time, it was in my allergy meds, and it made me extremely agitated and at times agressive. I should have been warned. On the upside, next time a guy needs talking down from a window ledge, you’ll find it easier to get straight to the point with him: “Come down offa that ledge now, or I’ll KILL you!”

    • omawarisan says:

      I wonder if I can just go off on people this week, then show them my prescription and get away with it?

      And don’t blame me, I shouldn’t be victimized for a fashion choice.

  4. Lenore Diane says:

    Just don’t ask me if your jeans make your butt look big.

  5. Jane says:

    The aching neck and shoulder is enough to make anyone irritable, so no need to apologize.

    What shirt?

  6. Kim Pugliano says:

    Will the pimples that pop up on your back also be popping up in your blog? That’s kinda gross.

  7. Laura says:

    I hope you feel better soon. A bit of advice: when you see the specialist, don’t agree to a neck transplant without at least trying physical therapy first.

    • omawarisan says:

      Physical therapy seems to be the course my doctor sees coming, I think I’m in favor.

      If I do get a donor neck, do I get to keep that little playmate cooler they ship it in?

      • Laura says:

        See, that’s the problem — people get so excited by the thought of getting a new cooler and having their friends sign their new neck that they completely ignore possible side effects like itching and attacks by mobs of villagers carrying torches.

        P.S. I’ve had physio for a couple injuries in the past, and it was extremely helpful, so now I see it as a cure-all for everything.

  8. Blurt on steroids?? The mind boggles!

    Seriously, I know it’s not considered mainstream in the US, but go to an osteopath–they will treat you holistically and probably give you exercises to solve the problem long term.

  9. Steroids. Now is the time to take up some competitive sport. You’ll be amazing.

    Hope you’re recovered soon.

  10. We found him Captain!! says:

    Was that you in the plunging neckline and 3 inch heels during roll call this morning? And who was the officer yelling “We found him Captain”.?

  11. Katybeth says:

    Have you considered acupuncture? Not that I am saying you can’t handle steroids or anything but it does work.

  12. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    There will be shrinkage. Just sayin’. But you’ll have big boobs! Stay away from those underwire bras. They hurt.

  13. k8edid says:

    Any time I’ve taken steroids I become ravenous, extremely irritable (bitchy) and I do not sleep. At all. For days. It is not pretty. Hope you feel better soon.

  14. linlah says:

    The only reason I read your blog is because I thought you already suffred delusions, I’m now disilusioned and must staart taking steroids to correct htis.

  15. planetross says:

    I hope the steroids are helping … hemorrhoids probably wouldn’t help at all.

  16. There are so many things I want to type right now, but I dropped something. Could you pick it up for me so I can look down your shirt?

    I hope your neck and shoulders feel better soon!

  17. We found him Captain!! says:

    I just got an idea! Bring a large zip lock baggie to Lupie’s and have it filled with chili. Then wrap the bag around your neck. If you have already taken your steroid pill before you get too Lupie’s, don’t go into a rage when the chili heats up your neck. Just chew on a styrofoam cup while the chili does it’s work.
    Bring a bath towel cause you might sweat a little. Take 2 aspirin tablets and call me in the morning.

  18. Todd says:

    Hang in there. Neck-and-shoulder pain is nothing to laugh at. However, you, bald and covered in fur and also with breasts, would be something to laugh at. People would say, They’re laughing with you, but, c’mon, who’s kiddin’ whom? You wouldn’t be laughing. We would.

  19. Pie says:

    If you insist on pushing up your cleavage like that, don’t be surprised when trouble comes knocking at your door. But I know you’ll be able to deal with it, because you’ll just knock ’em out cold.

  20. queensgirl says:

    This post needs an asterisk.

    Hope you feel better soon.


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