All About What Isn’t In My Morning CoffeePosted: October 3, 2011
I am a warm weather guy. Cold weather is just an unnecessary inconvenience. Ice has its place. That place is in a cup.
There is one thing that I like about cooler weather. I can drink my favorite hot drink without facing the scorn of others. You see, unlike all but about thirty-six adults on the planet, I do not like coffee or tea. No one questions it when a person orders coffee on a warm summer day. People react pretty strongly when I order hot chocolate on that same warm day. “But it is 90 degrees” applies to me and the other thirty-five non-coffee drinkers, but not to the coffee drinker.
That’s Right, I Don’t
There is not really an explanation I can give for my distaste for coffee and tea. I just don’t like them. I enjoy hot chocolate.
When I have “coffee with friends”, I order hot chocolate. People I’m close to know I do this, they don’t really mention it much anymore. That is, they don’t mention it much anymore unless they’re short on something to tease me about. I know that sometimes they think coffee with me is like going to Starbucks with an eleven year old.
Maybe that’s more of a reflection of my conversational ability.
Hiding The Secret
When I don’t know people as well, or with those I have a professional relationship with, I have a few strategies I employ to avoid the stigma of being outed as a non-coffee drinker.
Whenever possible, I arrive and order before others arrive. Most people don’t ask what I’m drinking when they get there.
I order last when I arrive along with my group. Most people order and then start other conversations or get lost in their thoughts. Once that happens, I could get away with ordering a cup of hot motor oil.
The “order first” and “order last” strategies have been effective and successful for me in most cases. If you are one of the thirty-six non-coffee drinkers on the planet, I highly recommend them as ways to avoid being detected and singled out by the majority.
Beware The Special Cup
This summer, I went on a road trip with several of my kidney list friends. People on the kidney list are those I love so much I would give them a kidney. I would give one of them a kidney, even if there was not really a health related reason. If any of them wanted a kidney just because they thought it would be fun to have three, they could get it from me.
Two people who I did not know as well had joined us on the trip. These two had rocketed up the friend ranking ladder over the weekend, but I knew they were unaware of my non-coffee drinking status. I was able to discreetly order my hot chocolate at breakfast one morning when we all gathered for breakfast.
What I had not accounted for is that some restaurants don’t see hot chocolate as equal to the other hot drinks. Some of them serve my beverage of choice in a special cup. This cup gives me away pretty obviously and it’s often not what you would call manly. Other places serve it with a big blossom of whipped cream.
This place did both.
When everyone’s beverage arrived, there were 8 steaming mugs of coffee and one clear glass, stemmed cup with a tiny handle and a huge whipped cream bloom on top.
Despite my best effort, I was outed that morning.
Sometimes, I think the best strategy is to enjoy a good laugh and not fight the picture. Extend the pinky.
Hello, my name is Omawarisan and I don’t like coffee.