All About What Isn’t In My Morning Coffee

I am a warm weather guy. Cold weather is just an unnecessary inconvenience. Ice has its place. That place is in a cup.

There is one thing that I like about cooler weather. I can drink my favorite hot drink without facing the scorn of others. You see, unlike all but about thirty-six adults on the planet, I do not like coffee or tea. No one questions it when a person orders coffee on a warm summer day. People react pretty strongly when I order hot chocolate on that same warm day. “But it is 90 degrees” applies to me and the other thirty-five non-coffee drinkers, but not to the coffee drinker.

That’s Right, I Don’t

There is not really an explanation I can give for my distaste for coffee and tea. I just don’t like them. I enjoy hot chocolate.

A photo of a cup of coffee.

Thank you, but no. (Image via Wikipedia)

When I have “coffee with friends”, I order hot chocolate. People I’m close to know I do this, they don’t really mention it much anymore. That is, they don’t mention it much anymore unless they’re short on something to tease me about. I know that sometimes they think coffee with me is like going to Starbucks with an eleven year old.

Maybe that’s more of a reflection of my conversational ability.

Hiding The Secret

When I don’t know people as well, or with those I have a professional relationship with, I have a few strategies I employ to avoid the stigma of being outed as a non-coffee drinker.

Whenever possible, I arrive and order before others arrive. Most people don’t ask what I’m drinking when they get there.

I order last when I arrive along with my group. Most people order and then start other conversations or get lost in their thoughts. Once that happens, I could get away with ordering a cup of hot motor oil.

The “order first” and “order last” strategies have been effective and successful for me in most cases. If you are one of the thirty-six non-coffee drinkers on the planet, I highly recommend them as ways to avoid being detected and singled out by the majority.

Beware The Special Cup

Harry Caray, me, & a few of the kidney listers on the trip. One didn't get the memo that it was a brown shorts day. He stays on the list.

This summer, I went on a road trip with several of my kidney list friends. People on the kidney list are those I love so much I would give them a kidney. I would give one of them a kidney, even if there was not really a health related reason. If any of them wanted a kidney just because they thought it would be fun to have three, they could get it from me.

Two people who I did not know as well had joined us on the trip. These two had rocketed up the friend ranking ladder over the weekend, but I knew they were unaware of my non-coffee drinking status. I was able to discreetly order my hot chocolate at breakfast one morning when we all gathered for breakfast.

What I had not accounted for is that some restaurants don’t see hot chocolate as equal to the other hot drinks. Some of them serve my beverage of choice in a special cup. This cup gives me away pretty obviously and it’s often not what you would call manly. Other places serve it with a big blossom of whipped cream.

This place did both.

Yeah, it had been a long night, and then this...

When everyone’s beverage arrived, there were 8 steaming mugs of coffee and one clear glass, stemmed cup with a tiny handle and a huge whipped cream bloom on top.

Despite my best effort, I was outed that morning.

Sometimes, I think the best strategy is to enjoy a good laugh and not fight the picture. Extend the pinky.

Hello, my name is Omawarisan and I don’t like coffee.


57 Comments on “All About What Isn’t In My Morning Coffee”

  1. So funny. My daughter is one of the other people who don’t drink coffee. I keep thinking she just says that and secretly consumes it, but I haven’t caught her in the act yet. Personally, I think it’s creep and unAmerican not to drink coffee.

  2. Val says:

    I love coffee but rarely drink it as it doesn’t agree with me, and I love tea and shouldn’t drink as much as I do, but I love hot chocolate best. Actually, if it’s chocolate, I don’t really care how it comes…

    • omawarisan says:

      There isn’t really a bad chocolate, unless youre talking white, which isn’t chocolate.

      hard to leave those things that disagree alone sometimes, isn’t it?

  3. Todd Pack says:

    I think the lesson here is that you should order tea. They never put a big dollop of whipped cream in tea.

    • omawarisan says:

      Tea is worse than coffee to me. Just can’t do it.

      I’ll have to try to write about my mother having to call poison control for me as a kid, being instructed to load me up with other fluids and me turning my nose up at iced tea. Even with life on the line, no tea.

      • Spectra says:

        Did Todd not read your opening? Here it is, just 7 sentences in:
        “You see, unlike all but about thirty-six adults on the planet, I do not like coffee or tea”

        “OR TEA”. How can you order tea, when you have clearly made a public proclamation against it as an option?

        If you like/love hot chocolate, you might also like Chocolate Wine.I just restocked, there are 3 brands, including Choco-Wine. I highly recomend it, in case you don’t drink wine, either.

  4. I also don’t drink coffee or tea and you can imagine the odd looks I get when I have my early morning can of ice cold Diet Coke instead.

  5. planetross says:

    I don’t care what people like to drink: as long as it’s not blood … or my blood really in particular.

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    Hello Omawarisan. I am glad you felt comfortable enough to come out to us – your blogging fans. We welcome all types of hot beverage drinkers, with or without whipped toppings.

    With your confession I confess … I always thought it odd, as you pointed out, that some people would order hot chocolate during the heat of summer. I’d ponder the question while sipping my scalding hot coffee.

    All this time I thought the clue phone was ringing for someone else …. nope. It was for me.

    • omawarisan says:

      My favorite coffee shop at work, where The Wolf and I cross paths, reacted kind of funny at first. Now I walk in and they say “hot chocolate, skim, shot of raspberry, no whipped cream?”

  7. madtante says:

    I drink a few cups of tea a day (all year long), varying amounts of coffee and the occasional hot chocolate. Follow your bliss!

    The tiny handle jobbie was a tad unfair. They should have big, manly mugs for that (and no whipped cream, ew).

  8. Debbie says:

    I’m not a coffee drinker either, so I empathize with you (although I LOVE hot tea!). Yep, it’s a sure sign your mug doesn’t have coffee when they serve it with a dollop of whip cream. This I know. Perhaps you might arrive even earlier and instruct your waitress to serve you hot chocolate, sans cream, in a cup just like the others’??

  9. sarahnsh says:

    For the longest time I haven’t liked coffee either. It’s been within a year or so that I’ve started to have it, and that’s only because at my work it’s free and I’ll drink about anything that is free (except our tea, it’s terrible!). I’ve loved hot chocolate and would always order it myself too, so I completely understand being a hot chocolate person. I just was swayed to the dark side of the brew because I drink coffee when I get bored at work, and enjoy people thinking I’m on a caffeine high.

  10. You know what you should try? A pumpkin spice latte. Because you like pumpkin flavor so much 🙂 And being in COFFEE would make it that much better for you! Hee hee hee!

  11. Z.N. Singer says:

    Brother! I hate both too! Coffee is bitter and all tea tastes like hot water with a slight under-taste of whatever flavor is actually claimed on the box (menu). I just don’t do hot drinks in the morning, period. But I’ll often do chocolate milk. Lots of good things to say about milk in the morning, the chocolate is an easily excused sweetener.

    • omawarisan says:

      Love chocolate milk.

      Had it the first time my first boss invited me to have coffee. Wasn’t invited back for a year. Invented the arrive early strategy.

      Still love chocolate milk.

  12. jacquelincangro says:

    Have you ever tried a shot of whiskey in your coffee? That might make it more palatable.

  13. Jane says:

    Relax. You are not what you don’t drink.

  14. I’m a hot chocolate drinker too and we should do something about the gross human rights violations that we are made to suffer! The price of a cup of coffee has increased along with the demand and the number of esoteric coffee brands that have come along (e.g., kopi luwak). Hot chocolate is still hot chocolate but it’s as expensive as coffee. Probably to keep all the coffee drinkers (who are only doing it to show off) from switching to hot chocolate!

  15. Betty says:

    I was in DD the other day to pick up an iced coffee (medium, mocha, just a little bit o’ milk) and I looked down at the counter to find a promotional “placemat” for the pumpkin beverages. I was tempted, but I could see and hear an Oma-devil on my shoulder mocking me.

  16. Amy says:

    A real man can drink hot cocoa with whipped cream out of a dainty glass. Extend that pinky with pride!

  17. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    First the pumpkin, now the coffee. It’s a good thing my devotion to you and your writing is stronger than my offense at your food tastes. But honestly, put a teeny bit of coffee in your chocolate and work your way up. You’ll be eating chocolate covered coffee beans in no time.

  18. Blurt, I love you. I’ve always loved you. I think it started with your dislike of pumpkins post.

    But now that I know you don’t like coffee or tea (I drink strictly hot chocolate as well), I know you’re my soul mate.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you, I felt a vibe.

      If pumpkin starts intruding on chocolate you and I need to start a riot somewhere. Not in a pumpkin field though, because let’s face it, who cares about anything there.

  19. jennygoth says:

    lol cannot believe so much interst in coffee lol but here goes i love coffee but can t drink chocolate or eat it gives me itchy skin so get the coffee pot on and il make you hot choccy lol xxjen

  20. spencercourt says:

    I assume that you have tried “real” coffee, not that coffee-flavored swill which comes from those large tubs on the bottom of the grocery shelf (e.g, Maxwell House, Folegrs et al.) Those beverages are faux coffee.

    Now, when I lived in the Philippines, iced coffee was very big, as you can imagine. It is like iced tea is in the South.

    From that photo, and my own observations, what you call “hot chocolate” is actually “hot cocoa.” Because for those of us who grew up in a Spanish culture, or some European cultures, “hot chocolate” is literally hot, melted chocolate. Now *that* is so wonderful it is a form of culinary orgasm! Especially with churros (Spanish “doughnuts”), which are dunked in the chocolate.

    For a “visual”, check out this place in Madrid where we stopped in almost every morning:

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh no, I’ve tried all the shelves. None of them work for me.

      Iced coffee was that big there? I see a lot of people with it here, but it looks like it’s kind of costly.

      Hot Chocolate and hot cocoa do get used interchangably here. I like them both.

  21. KathiD says:

    Diet Coke. They really serve that in a distinctive cup.

  22. Katybeth says:

    Its hard when everyone does something you don’t. I very seldom cocktail but am surrounded by the “it has to be 5-o-clock” crowd. I learned all kinds of strategies and where the nearest plants were located in the least when it’s coffee nobody assumes you are an alcoholic and talk about you in hushed tones. However, these days I just order my coke and guzzle and burp with the best of them..getting older had its advantages. Hot chocolate without whip cream is kind of sad. . .just saying.

  23. queensgirl says:

    I tried a sip of my mother’s coffee when I was four…it put me off it for life. I’m okay with tea, though, but only with lemon. I think what I’m saying is, can I still attend the meetings?

  24. queensgirl says:

    Oh, and I’ve never eaten pumpkin.

  25. Tony McGurk says:

    You don’t like coffee????
    My boss at work is the same. So that’s 2 of you identified. Just 34 more to find.

  26. Pie says:

    I’m proud to say I’ve drunk neither tea or coffee for several years, save the one time I made the mistake of ordering what I thought was thick hot chocolate at an airport terminal, only to find it was a choco-espresso shot. It left me high as a kite and as jittery as a drug addict going cold turkey for several hours. Not the best day of my life.

    If you think you get the weird eye ordering hot chocolate (special cup and whipped cream, or not) when everyone around you is ordering coffee, try asking for hot water. You’d think I’d suddenly pulled on a balaclava and aimed a gun at the head, such is the reaction I get. There was a time when I had that request refused in some restaurants, even when I offered to pay for the cup. But that was in the bad old eighties. Thankfully that doesn’t happen anymore.

    If you like raspberry in your hot chocolate, you’d love the Chocolate Bar at Harrods, here in London. I had a raspberry hot chocolate there in December last year as a birthday treat. The raspberry coulis and possibly crushed raspberries sits at the bottom of the tall glass of wonderfully rich chocolate. You could die happily knowing you’ve tasted such a delight. Maybe I’ll have The Jolie taste it on your behalf when she comes to visit.

  27. […] to do with the price of fish – or ice cream. Still, I feel the need to share the fact that Oma does not like coffee – Oma drinks hot chocolate. Don’t give him a strange look if you see him drinking his […]

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