Reconfiguring Spider-Man


Image by Joe Shlabotnik via Flickr

Sometimes I think a lot about important things. Sometimes I move on to less critical matters.  I was thinking about Spider-Man not long ago. I will leave it to you to assign a level of importance to this thought.


I’ve put some time in to considering how Spider-Man could become more spider-like.

It isn’t a good idea for him to have eight limbs.  The cost of having all his clothes custom-made with 4 legs and 4 sleeves would be prohibitive.

Having him use venom, like a real spider would, to turn the innards of captured criminals into a liquid which he would then consume isn’t a good idea. I think that would make him a less likeable character. And can you imagine the legal and ethical considerations of that? What if he drinks the insides out of the wrong guy?

Comics, cartoons and movies show Spider-Man shooting webs from a device on his wrist. This seems very practical. Spider-Man displayed some impressive range and accuracy with this arrangement. While I have never had to try to make a living while wearing spandex, I think range and accuracy would be good things to have if I were ever forced to do so

My Conclusion And Its Effects On The Character

I’ve concluded that if Spider-Man is allowed to continue to exist, he should have to produce webs in a way closer to the way actual spiders do. Spiders produce their silk from spinnerets on the underside lower rear portion of their abdomen. As best I can tell, the underside lower rear portion of the abdomen on a person would be their buttocks.

some rubber grommets

I'm not sure if rubber or metal grommets would be best (Image via Wikipedia)

Spider-Man shooting webs out of the back of his tights brings a new level of difficulties he must overcome in his struggle for justice.

How will he deal with knowing that the people he saves with his webs would be simultaneously grateful for and repulsed by his life saving act? Will there be a trap door in his uniform, or simply a reinforced grommet? Could he be accurate enough to get the job done?

The rest of us have had to win people over in spite of our personal oddities. Why shouldn’t Spider-Man?

Yeah, I know. Silly. Lightweight. It happens.

Since you’re here for this lightweight moment, let me tell you that Blurt has a new address. All the rudeness and intolerance you’ve come to expect here at Blurt is available with a new, easy to remember address –

Nothing will change, you can still come here and get a dose of whatever words have to come out of me. Your subscriptions, bookmarks and feeds should still work. The big difference is that when you’re far from home, you can use someones computer, easily find, and leave  a bookmark on their machine.


23 Comments on “Reconfiguring Spider-Man”

  1. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I loathe spiders. And if Spiderman shot webs out of his hiney, I think I’d rather be at the mercies of the bad guy. True, we all have personal quirks that we hope others will forgive us for, but my friend’s love of onions isn’t wrapped around me in a spidery, sticky mess. I back away long before that happens. Frankly, I’ve never considered superheroes like Spiderman to be that super. None of the stuff that comes out of him is supernatural, is it? It’s all man-made, like the combustion engine and spoilers on cars. That’s why I like superheroes like the Hulk. It’s all him, man, no engineered muscles there.

    • omawarisan says:

      That’s what I’m talking about, throw some ambivalence in on the victims, make the hero conflicted about the very thing that makes him heroic – gold.

      If my life ever came down to being saved by Slugman or not, I’d choose not.

  2. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    Spider-Man’s biggest advantage besides the enhanced strength is his “Spider Sense”, which seems to have nothing to do with actual spiders.

    I’m not sure about the web spewing forth from the abdomen. I mean, it better not share any existing holes…

  3. Spectra says:

    I definately agree: lets make Spiderman more accurate. If he shot webbing out of his butt, the little kids wold love him even more. They’d become super-inspired. They’d stick cans of mom’s hairspray down their pants, poke a tiny hole in the crack and fit the nozzle through. Some would even perfect the art of squeezing cheeks together, forcing a stream of sticky spray from their backsides at their “prey”. I see hours of fun here. Costumes sold, already fitted with spray cans of their own. Were I to manufacture this new costume, I’d commision a new formula, a mix between hairspray and silly string, for kids to squirt all over their intended victims.

    sigh. Makes me wish I were a kid again. I’d revel in being the first Spider Man/Person at the school costume contest. I’d spin around, bend over, and squirt a massive wad of my sticky stuff all over the Principle. Detention would be soooo worth it 😉

  4. KathiD says:

    I myself shoot webs out of my butt.

  5. This is one of the reasons I’ve always thought Spiderman was a fairly lame superhero.

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    I’m trying to block out the image of Spider-Man shooting a web from his hind end.

    P.S. I will travel all over and use many various laptops and computers to bookmark your new website. I will spread all things Blurt. (Even though you’ve cursed me with the image of Spider-Man shooting a web from his hind end.)

  7. Tony McGurk says:

    Ha Ha love this. Especially the rear ejection web portal. He mostly used his web to shoot at bad guys so it would reinforce the lesson that crime doesn’t pay. I have seen your comments regularly on Ross’ blog but never thought to come for a look. Now I’m glad I did. Funny stuff you got here so I’ll RSS you.

  8. Maxim says:

    Well if he’s shooting webbing out of his buttox, he should at least be allowed to propel himself like a rocket with it. I don’t know how that would work, but it would be very endearing.

  9. Spectra says:

    Oma, I sent you 2 emails with attatchments of a re-worked entry for Your Header Art Contest. Unfortunately, I got an email saying my send was a failure. Fearing that might happen, I posted my art on my blog, under the page heading “STUFF”. SO if you want to show it in your finals post of all the entries, I hope you can just grab it, copy it. I don’t know how else to get it to you?

    Hope you like it. (I really like Hippies Scrabble set up (tho it won’t fit the format, probably) and the blocks with the colorful balloons ;D

  10. Todd Pack says:

    Hopefully, in a couple years, when they reboot the Spider-man franchise yet again, they’ll incorporate your ideas.

  11. planetross says:

    Did Spiderman ever do battle with a villain called “Little Miss Muffet”?
    … or was that Richie Rich?

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