Damn You, Pumpkin!Posted: October 7, 2011
I am a patient man. There are schools of thought that differ from mine. I can accept that. I can find common ground with those who differ, when I see a glimmer of concern from across the breach. I don’t see that from you.
You have found the end of my patience. I reached out to you with a piece that urged you to pursue the things you were best suited to succeed in. You turned your back when I came to you. Now, it is on between us.
I am a relentless man. I have matched wits in life or death situations with people whose capacities far exceeded yours. People whose head contained more than seed and gook. I didn’t fail in those situations, I wont fail here.
I am now boycotting you, even as seasonal decor.
When I wrote you before, I spoke respectfully of your talents as fall seasonal decor and ammunition for catapults. I urged you then to get and stay out of food and beverages. My request, and the case to support it, were quite reasonable.
It would be wrong of me to say you have been unresponsive. Your response has been, it seems, to redouble your efforts to get in to food.
Latte, Beer, And The Last Straw
Since I reposted my request for you to get out of food, my Facebook and Twitter accounts have been lousy with references to your annual appearance in a latte at Starbucks.
Oh, how unexpected! Imagine Starbucks grabbing on to something perceived as hot and trendy. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Do you know what happens to hot and trendy, Pumpkin? It ends up cool and tossed aside in a used up heap.
Doubt me? When’s the last time you saw Paris Hilton? What about Lindsay Lohan? Hot and trendy finds its way to the down hill slide pretty quickly. Sure, Starbucks is all over you now. What happens after that? October is only 31 days long,
The other day when I was shopping, I thought I’d pick up a six-pack of beer to have on hand. The cooler in the beer aisle is currently loaded with orange packaging. Everywhere I looked, Pumpkin Beer. I thought we agreed – no beer. You have to get your greedy little stem into everything, don’t you?
Do you think those brew masters care? No
Lindsay Pumpkin, they don’t. Even now, they are moving on, adding other ingredients. They’re preparing for when you’re on your way down while you’re you are on top!
And then it happened. Wednesday morning. The last straw. You know what happened, but let’s review.
I went to get my morning bagel. My one simple pleasure at the start of my work day. Breakfast to go. A pretzel bagel. I love pretzel bagels. But I could not have my Pretzel Bagel. You know why. You were there. The shop needed room for their two seasonal bagels – Pumpkin and Pumpkin Crunch.
Pumpkin Crunch? That’s redundant, we all know you crunch without assistance. You are Pumpkin. Pumpkins crunch. You just wanted more attention. Nice job, I’m about to give you that attention.
Pumpkin, if you are Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, Pretzel is Meryl Streep or even Katharine Hepburn. Where you are gauche and flashy, Pretzel is classy and skilled. Pretzel has range and doesn’t exceed it. You don’t replace Hepburn with Hilton. You are no replacement for Pretzel.
You have gone too far this time.
I think it was Don Henley who said “I will not go quietly, I will not lie down”. To that, I say, “yeah, what he said”. I am asking my friends to help teach you a lesson you will never forget.
I am now boycotting the thing you are best at. I will not hollow you out, cut a face in you and display you on my porch for Halloween. I am asking my friends to do the same.
You’re smug, aren’t you? I’m not even looking and I know that you are. You think you’re the only thing that can be hollowed out, don’t you? Your friend, Paris, thought she was the only empty-headed celebrity drunk in town. And along came Jersey Shore. Now there’s a new empty head that it is trendy for people to watch, Snookie. Paris who?
Pumpkin, let me introduce you to your Snookie. The stores are full of them because they are, at least temporarily, deadly. Pumpkin, meet Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe is ready to be hollowed out and made into a top-notch jack-o-lantern. I am going to make one and post it here. I’m going to make a jack-o-lantern out of a pepper and post it here. I’ll post every jack-o-lantern photo that people send me that is made out of something that isn’t you.
The net will rise against you.
I am a patient man.
I am a relentless man.
Game over, Pumpkin.