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Disney On Ice: After The Thaw

Last week, a show called Disney On Ice came to town. I know that it probably was about ice skating princesses, Mickey Mouse and such. But the title reminded me of the legend that Walt Disney had himself frozen so he could be brought back when a cure for whatever was ailing him was found.

Popscicles I

Walt and friends, chillin' (Image by Matthew S. Cain via Flickr)

The Disney On Ice title conjured up the image in my mind of a weird road show that displayed souls who were frozen on purpose or accidentally. Because of the title, frozen Walt was obviously the star attraction. If such a show really occurred, I’d be much more interested in seeing baseball’s (now frozen) greatest hitter, Ted Williams, or perhaps that Woolly Mammoth they recently found in a glacier.

Pressure

Having yourself frozen brings on a good bit of pressure. I don’t know if Walt, Ted, or anyone else who has had themselves popsiclized has really thought that pressure through.

It is easy to imagine being thawed out and meeting a doctor who says “hey, we’ve got this cancer thing licked. Come get your cancer shot and go back to drawing Mickey.” I don’t think it would be that easy for Walt, or people like you and me.

But what if I were frozen?

What would I say when they thawed me? I’d feel a lot of pressure to have something funny to say. Maybe I’d say “what, no soup?” My fear is that I’d wake up continuing the scream I’d started 125 years earlier when I realized the bus was going to hit me. Letting fly with a ten minute f-bomb is not likely to endear me to my fifth generation relatives. Perhaps if I were Walt Disney it might.

The Novelty Wears Off

Imagine a day, decades from now, when my great, great, great, great, great-granddaughter says something like “it’s costing me how much per year to keep him frozen?” That would be the day that they started thawing frozen me.

At first, I’d be sought after and fawned over. I’d do news interviews.  My relatives would get tales of their predecessors. Then, slowly, the novelty of having me around would wear off.  How much time would they want to spend hearing stories of people they never knew existed? I’d end up being passed from one relative to another.

Chicken soup and toast

What...? (Image via Wikipedia)

Perhaps a few days after being thawed, I would remember that I forgot to say “what, no soup?” I crack me up sometimes, so I’d probably just start saying that to people. They wouldn’t know why I was laughing. It would be awkward.

I’d struggle to name a good part of my life after being frozen. My friends would be gone, the internet can’t make us all rich enough that we’ll be able to pay for our own cold storage. And my knees would still be somewhat suspect. Days would pass, each after another, as fruitless searches for the perfect things that wouldn’t exist as they did in my previous lifetime…like Steve Earle CDs, or pizza cooked just to the point that the cheese browns in spots.

I know how the tale of unfrozen me would end. I’ve thought it through that far.

After a while, my relatives would tire of my prattling on about how they don’t make music like they did when Steve was alive and the other stuff they don’t do right. They’d turn to the only people who truly understood what they were going through with me – the families of the other unfrozen souls. Together, the families would build a big house where I’d live with Walt Disney and Ted Williams. Our pet mammoth would live in the yard out back.

They’d realize they could make some money on this proposition. Before long, a reality TV show would be produced about us. I’d push for them to call it “What, No Soup?”

So Long And Thanks For All The Soup

Stranahan House, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

This house would do just fine for me and the guys. (Image via Wikipedia)

The show would feature the misadventures of Ted, Walt and me as we confronted a new world that we would never quite be able to comprehend. It would be funny, but mixed with the sad reminiscences of a ball player, a cartoonist and a writer. People would be fascinated, season after season.

The final episode would be the highest rated show of them all.

As that last hour approached its end, people would sit, enraptured, wondering where it would all end up. I’d be sitting at dinner with my housemates. Ted would once again be telling the story of how he hit a home run on the very last swing of the bat of his career.  Picking at my Kung Pao Chicken as I listened, I’d spear a water chestnut and a carrot with my fork, and then interrupt Ted.

Pointing with my fork, I’d say “Boys, do you know who was smart enough not to buy into this getting frozen thing?”

They’d stare at me, clueless.

“Women.”

(fade to black)
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24 Comments on “Disney On Ice: After The Thaw”

  1. What they don’t warn you about is freezer burn.

  2. omawarisan says:

    You know, Be, sometimes I don’t feel fresh.

  3. jennygoth says:

    how do you explain the yellow puddle when you thaw out well its a long time to wait isnt it ?xxjen

  4. Laura says:

    How can you joke about that? Being thawed out without soup would be horrible. You should probably have some soup frozen with you, just in case. Your first words could be “where’s the microwave?”, which I’m sure would be hilarious, because by that time, everyone probably uses antimatter ovens or Higgs boson ovens or something.

  5. That pretty much tells it like it would be!

  6. k8edid says:

    “…like Steve Earle CDs, or pizza cooked just to the point that the cheese browns in spots…”
    Delicious writing. Best blurt of the day.

  7. Jane says:

    There is potential for a stunning career as a figure skater, a bob-sledder, a curling champion, or a luge guy. After all, you, Ted, Walt, and the Mammoth will have developed an intimate rapport with ice, unlike any other living being. The four of you could become the solid-water stars of the future.

  8. planetross says:

    Shouldn’t that be 2 waterchestnuts and a carrot? hee hee!

  9. Pie says:

    Great punchline at the end there, Oma. That could well be your best ever.

  10. linlah says:

    Kind of a whole new version of Real World.

  11. KathiD says:

    What if they thawed you out and you were still flat from the bus that ran over you?

  12. Todd Pack says:

    What’s gonna be weird is when they thought out that first guy (not you or Walt or Ted Williams, but just some random guy), and he turns out to be a jerk. They’re gonna be like, “Do you think everyone who had themselves frozen is a jerk?” And someone’s gonna say, “Probably.” And someone’s gonna say, “You really want to thaw the rest of them out? I mean, we’ve got enough jerks.” And someone’s gonna say, “Good point.” No, Oma, rather than investing in cryogenic suspension, you’re better off buying a sports car, or a Weinermobile.

  13. Tony McGurk says:

    One thing that I always wondered about this cryogenics was that when they find a cure for what killed you they still have the problem that when they thaw you can they cure an already dead person???

  14. […] long ago, I wrote of the folly of having oneself frozen. In the more distant past, I have written of the alien we call Larry King. Last week, Larry King […]


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