Let’s Play DoctorPosted: October 12, 2011
I got a CD from my doctor with some x-rays of me to deliver to another physician.
They made it hard to find the actual x-rays, which of course made me look harder. After about forty-five minutes, I located the photos of some of the bones that hold me up and keep me from being a floppy bag of skin. I’m going to post them here and analyze what I see, with your help.
Let’s move on to the first x-ray, shall we doctors? Take a moment and put on your lab coats so we all look cool.
My first observation is that the image reveals that I have a very long neck. This is quite surprising to me. On the outside, my neck appears completely normal. Inside, my neck is extremely long. I can only surmise that I may have evolved in this way to help me reach the tender new growth on tall plants and small trees.
It also seems that under the skin on my chin there is some sort of structure shaped like the mustache on the guy on a can of Pringle’s potato chips. I’m not completely sure what function this mustache gland might have. I don’t really feel anything going on under there, but clearly there is something there. I’d appreciate hearing from any of you who have seen patients in your practice with a mustache gland inside their chin region.
As you examine the picture, please take note of the rib on the right side of the frame just above the 160 mm marker. This seems to indicate that I have a rib that doesn’t really connect to anything on one end. I am not really a rib specialist. I like ribs a lot, but cuisine choices and treatment options shouldn’t really affect one another.
My neck looks a little more normal in terms of length in this shot.
And can we talk about that jaw line? Obviously I am the product of a really top-notch gene pool.
As you can see, I have what we in the medical profession call a bunch of triangle things growing out of the back of my neck. I’ve indicated a few of the triangle things with red arrows. I think we can all agree that red arrows are usually a bad sign.
The triangle things are not visible in the x-rays unless the technician takes a close up shot like this one. They are still small, but well formed. When I write that sentence it sounds to me like it should be followed with something like “they will continue to grow until I have bony triangular protrusions projecting from my spine.”
Doctors, this concerns me. I know it does you too. Many of you are thinking about how you’re going to tell me that I can no longer ride in your car or sit on your couch. I don’t hold that against you, you work hard to get those things. I don’t want to punch a bunch of slits in your upholstery with my bony triangular protrusions.
There is a bigger problem, doctors. One that I hesitate to even talk about. I have seen these protrusions somewhere else.
Yes, Godzilla. Destroyer of Tokyo and subject of that Blue Oyster Cult song. Fate has dealt me a cruel hand, my physician friends. I am turning into Godzilla.
At some point I am going to experience explosive growth and develop an anger management problem. I will want to break things.
When I become Godzilla, I do not want to break stuff that belongs to my friends. Actually, I would also not like to break my friends. Doctors/Friends, please follow these two steps to protect yourselves and your property as soon as you see coverage of my destructive rampages on the TV news. Waiting until you hear my terrible roar will be too late.
- Don’t ride in trains. Godzilla always attacks trains and power lines. I don’t think I have to tell any of you to stay away from power lines.
- Paint the phrase “Hi Oma” on your roof and on top of your car. Since I am currently semi-literate I hope to still be able to read short phrases when I am Godzilla. Do not go around telling people to paint “Hi Oma” on their roof tops. If I come to town and that is on all the roofs, all bets are off. I’ll be Godzilla, stuff will have to get broken.
Doctors, thank you for your time and help with reading my x-rays. I am certain you’ll all want to head out to purchase paint and some good brushes. I’m going to go grab some Japanese for lunch.