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Let’s Play Doctor

I got a CD from my doctor with some x-rays of me to deliver to another physician.

They made it hard to find the actual x-rays, which of course made me look harder. After about forty-five minutes, I located the photos of some of the bones that hold me up and keep me from being a floppy bag of skin. I’m going to post them here and analyze what I see, with your help.

Let’s move on to the first x-ray, shall we doctors? Take a moment and put on your lab coats so we all look cool.

X-Ray #1

Doctors, we’ll begin with the first x-ray because that’s just a sensible place to start. As you can see, it depicts my bone structure from the front.

My first observation is that the image reveals that I have a very long neck. This is quite surprising to me. On the outside, my neck appears completely normal. Inside, my neck is extremely long. I can only surmise that I may have evolved in this way to help me reach the tender new growth on tall plants and small trees.

It also seems that under the skin on my chin there is some sort of structure shaped like the mustache on the guy on a can of Pringle’s potato chips. I’m not completely sure what function this mustache gland might have. I don’t really feel anything going on under there, but clearly there is something there. I’d appreciate hearing from any of you who have seen patients in your practice with a mustache gland inside their chin region.

X-Ray #2

Our second image is a profile shot.

As you examine the picture, please take note of the rib on the right side of the frame just above the 160 mm marker. This seems to indicate that I have a rib that doesn’t really connect to anything on one end. I am not really a rib specialist. I like ribs a lot, but cuisine choices and treatment options shouldn’t really affect one another.

My neck looks a little more normal in terms of length in this shot.

And can we talk about that jaw line? Obviously I am the product of a really top-notch gene pool.

X-Ray #3

Doctors, I think we can all agree there is something to be concerned about on this final x-ray. I’m glad to have you and your lab coats here to help me through this discovery.

As you can see, I have what we in the medical profession call a bunch of triangle things growing out of the back of my neck. I’ve indicated a few of the triangle things with red arrows. I think we can all agree that red arrows are usually a bad sign.

The triangle things are not visible in the x-rays unless the technician takes a close up shot like this one. They are still small, but well formed. When I write that sentence it sounds to me like it should be followed with something like “they will continue to grow until I have bony triangular protrusions projecting from my spine.”

Doctors, this concerns me. I know it does you too. Many of you are thinking about how you’re going to tell me that I can no longer ride in your car or sit on your couch. I don’t hold that against you, you work hard to get those things. I don’t want to punch a bunch of slits in your upholstery with my bony triangular protrusions.

There is a bigger problem, doctors. One that I hesitate to even talk about.  I have seen these protrusions somewhere else.

Godzilla

Yes, Godzilla. Destroyer of Tokyo and subject of that Blue Oyster Cult song. Fate has dealt me a cruel hand, my physician friends. I am turning into Godzilla.

At some point I am going to experience explosive growth and develop an anger management problem. I will want to break things.

When I become Godzilla, I do not want to break stuff that belongs to my friends. Actually, I would also not like to break my friends. Doctors/Friends, please follow these two steps to protect yourselves and your property as soon as you see coverage of my destructive rampages on the TV news. Waiting until you hear my terrible roar will be too late.

  1. Don’t ride in trains. Godzilla always attacks trains and power lines. I don’t think I have to tell any of you to stay away from power lines.

    A. note the triangular bony protrusions B. hiding on power lines is a bad idea (image via thecj.glogster.com)

  2. Paint the phrase “Hi Oma” on your roof and on top of your car. Since I am currently semi-literate I hope to still be able to read short phrases when I am Godzilla. Do not go around telling people to paint “Hi Oma” on their roof tops. If I come to town and that is on all the roofs, all bets are off. I’ll be Godzilla, stuff will have to get broken.

Doctors, thank you for your time and help with reading my x-rays. I am certain you’ll all want to head out to purchase paint and some good brushes. I’m going to go grab some Japanese for lunch.

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45 Comments on “Let’s Play Doctor”

  1. Lenore Diane says:

    Please read these words quickly and in a different accent. Stop reading but keep moving your mouth now.
    Again, start moving your mouth while reading these words. Again, please continue to moving your mouth though stop reading here.

    Something tells me the effect is lost via a blog comment. Oh well. I had to try.

    Your Godzilla like spine looks like it hurts. I hope you are OK. Your sense of humor is certainly intact.

  2. planetross says:

    Are X-ray technicians called a skeleton crew … no matter how many are working?

  3. Todd Pack says:

    If I were you, I’d start looking over my shoulder for Megalon, Mechagodzilla, various and sundry Power Rangers and/or Big Man Japan.

  4. madtante says:

    Honestly, they look more like those of a triceratops. I’m wondering why you failed to share x-rays of the frontal lobe protrusion…

    Not actually being a doctor, I could be wrong. Have you been radiating lately? Farting out streams of flame? If not, I’m sticking with the triceratops transmutation prognosis.

    • omawarisan says:

      I thought about triceratops, but I’m prone to looking at vegetables as a necessary evil as opposed to my complete diet. Also, it’s tough to get a ball cap on.

      I radiate constantly, but I try not to make noise when I do it.

  5. patty punker says:

    stop making laugh about your bony protrusions! i’m genuinely concerned. *tags top of car with hi oma*

  6. Spectra says:

    I say we cut you open, grab a huge metal file from the trunk of the car, and chisel down those bony triangular protrusions! This is what I, as a Blogger/Doctor would do. We’ve got to nip this Godzilla in the disk-bud!

  7. As an amateur physician with absolutely no training whatsoever, I think that you need to amputate at the 160mm marker. Those arrows could be contagious.

  8. Has anyone mentioned your breath lately?

  9. Pie says:

    Love your jawline, Oma, but those Godzilla spikes really have to go. They’re not a good look. But I’ll be painting “Hi, Oma” on my roof. Just in case.

  10. spencercourt says:

    Perhaps you are a new species….the Omawarisanus Rex!

  11. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    How did that little nativity scene get inside your body? Cool, Oma.

  12. Amy says:

    This year, with my various back problems and my exploding gall bladder, I have seen more of my insides than I ever thought possible. I believe this makes me qualified to analyze your x-rays and declare that you have Trianglenosis of your Necular Bone Buds. It’s not terminal, but you may want to avoid turtlenecks.

  13. Laura says:

    Are you sure that’s a rib in #2? It looks more like a wishbone.

  14. KathiD says:

    I see you were evaluated by some kind of pediatrician. There’s your problem. Babies haven’t had a chance to grow triangles yet. Once they find out you are eleventy-seven years old, the red arrows will turn to green. And everything will be fine and dandy.

    Whether that is true or not, it makes me feel better. And what’s more important?

  15. Betty says:

    It’s October and those vile candy corns are in stores. I think aliens have implanted them in your neck.

  16. Jason says:

    I can’t look at my own x-rays, I get too creeped out. Looking at the outside of this mess is good enough for me, I don’t need to see it in anymore detail.

  17. Maxim says:

    You’re not really Godzilla….you’re just a baby.

  18. Tony McGurk says:

    The Moustache gland & the triangles are a worry. Maybe you need some surgical process. I have a circular saw & can do a really good price for you

  19. […] I was at a spine specialist. It was nice to go to a doctor and keep my pants on. He looked at some x-rays my primary doctor had ordered and pointed out where a disc in my neck looked like a problem. Something the doctor […]


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