Pineapple Puts Pumpkin In Its Place


I asked you nicely to stay out of food. You didn’t follow through on that.

A ripe pineapple (Ananas comosus)

Pumpkin, remember that James Taylor song - Ananas? It isn't about you. (Image via Wikipedia)

So then I told you that I would see to it that you would never again find work as a jack-o-lantern at my house. I followed through on that.

Pineapple has taken your job.

It Didn’t Have To Come To This

Pumpkin, we were once friends. We all make choices. You made yours. As I said, we were once friends.

We were once friends. Do you remember that scuba diving trip at the end of October, about ten years ago? Think back, do you remember who the underwater pumpkin carving champion was? Yup, we were friends.

Think back farther. Remember being the friend who appeared every fall and reminded me that bags of candy deliciousness were on their way to little me? You were always there on the front porch of my closest neighbors, smiling while they went and got the special bowl they had for kids on the block…the one that had the big chocolate bars, not the “fun size” ones everyone else got.

Every year, they’d warn us in school about how strangers would put dangerous stuff in candy on Halloween. But you’d smile on Halloween night and everything would be fine. Making everything fine wasn’t enough for you, was it?

Don’t Let The Door Hit You In The Butt, Pumpkin

Before you leave, take a moment and meet your replacement, Pineapple.

Pineapple is delicious, nutritious, can be carved, and most importantly, does not come with all the ego problems that you seemed to have developed. Pineapple was content being food. It wasn’t looking to break out of being food and get into decoration in the same way that you tried to get out of being decoration and penetrate the food stream. Pineapple is deliciously humble.

I found Pineapple easy to work with. I set it on its side and cut a section out of its back. I was then able to remove its delicious sweetness, leaving just the shell of the fruit. Do you know what Pumpkin? The Pineapple shell was very easy to cut a face into. And because I cut and hollowed out the back of the Pineapple, I was able to leave the top intact, giving my Jack-O-Lantern a sort of tousled hair effect. No one does that with your stem, do they Pumpkin?

A Moment Of Honesty

Pumpkin, the part of me that I’m not proud of…no Pumpkin, not that, I’m speaking metaphorically. Anyhow, part of me was tempted to say here that I took what I removed from the Pineapple’s shell and made a really good pineapple upside down cake. I knew that would hurt you. But that isn’t what happened.

One little tea light candle and Pineapple is all aglow. Smells good too.

What happened is that I ate the pineapple. It was delicious and rich in manganese. In all the years I carved you, I never ate what was inside you. Why? Because I don’t like gook.

And Now, The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For

Pumpkin, behold, the fruit that put you out of a job.

Pretty good, huh? Yeah I think so, and I’m not the least bit artistic. Imagine what someone who was artistic could make of Pineapple.

And do you know what’s going to happen on Halloween? People will walk right past all the neighbors carved pumpkins, because you are a dime a dozen. But they will rave about my Pineapple Jack-O-Lantern. They will wish they’d thought of it.

Next year, they will think of it. They won’t buy you.

It could have been avoided. If only you weren’t greedy.

If you’d just stayed out of beer.


57 Comments on “Pineapple Puts Pumpkin In Its Place”

  1. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    F’ gawd’s sake, OMA! What’s next? Replacing the Christmas pine tree with a potted plant? The Easter Bunny with a jackaloupe? Santa Claus with Billy Bob Thornton? The Thanksgiving Turkey with one of the Angry Birds? Have you no shame? Arrrrgggggh! My eyes, my eyes!!

  2. Lenore Diane says:

    Oh my stars!!! I never thought I’d say this … I love it!!! I really do love it, Oma. You did a fantastic job. Wow. Mind if I copy you? I see a new trend starting. Behold the Great Pineapple!

    Meanwhile, watch your back. Something tells me the pumpkin is going to seek you out …

  3. Katybeth says:

    The pineapple is very clever..but can never replace the pumpkin…what about the seeds? Roasted pumpkin seeds!! And for kids it would be OMG sticky to carve. The tousled hair is cool but there is a lot to be said for a nice clean staight forward stem.
    Original? Thinking out of the box? You win. Again.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Nice out of the box thinking… but I think this pumpkin hating stuff is taking over your life. By the way why blame the pumpkin for plopping back into beer? It was the fault of the craft brew movement in the 1980’s. Pumpkin tired to back away read…but no they bullied it back in…(

  5. Jennifer says:

    I think that is a brilliant idea.. I think that I might emulate you since pumpkin has indeed gone too far this year! Thank you for the idea and let’s see if we can get others to come along with us!

  6. Spectra says:

    Brilliant solution! That’ll teach Ol’ Pumkin a lesson! (this time next year, he’ll be beggin’ you to go underwater carving with him again. Begging!

  7. Omawarison says:

    …and Bagels! In my support, I’ll do an apple. It’ll have to do because I have no source of tropical fruit and I’m limited on room and carving utensils.

  8. Amy says:

    This would be great for a tiki-themed Halloween party! And, I bet it does smell good once the candle warms up the pineappley insides.

  9. Laura says:

    I was skeptical at first, but then I was won over by the lovely horrible-skin-disease effect that you get from the pineapple rind.

  10. In the interests of diversity, I now feel obligated to have a carved pumpkin, cantaloupe and pineapple on my front porch.

    Just keep the pineapple chunks well away from pizza!

  11. k8edid says:

    Absolutely brilliant. And no doubt, tasty.

  12. Pie says:

    That was brilliantly done, Oma. It’ll wind up Pumpkin good and proper. And it will serve it right for trying to diversify into beer and latte.

    I have a plastic pineapple ice bucket, but I’m not going to cut into that!

  13. queensgirl says:

    I’m a bit in awe of you.

  14. Hmmmm…good idea, but I’m concerned about handling the spiky exterior of the pineapple. Have any issues with that during this whole process? I love pineapple and don’t really care for pumpkins, so I’m definitely biased in this debate; yet, despite the fact that pineapple ranks near the top of my fruit hierarchy, I avoid whole pineapple. I almost always purchase pre-cut pineapple, because I’m just too worried about my clumsy hands getting cut up from that abrasive rind.

    • omawarisan says:

      It really wasn’t bad. I had it on its side on a plate and had no problems. Once I got the golden deliciousness cut and scooped out with a spoon the skin was very easy to cut.

      When the pineapple is cut open it worked well to cut sort of a grid, like I wanted the fruit in cubes. It was still attached to the skin, so I jus dug at it with a teaspoon. Very easy.

  15. Blogdramedy says:

    Finally. A Halloween symbol with hair. The bald gourd is so over. 🙂

  16. linlah says:

    Did you hear that pumpkin is getting it’s own tv show and pineapple is its first guest. The show premieres on the 31st.

  17. I looked it up and guess what? There is pineapple beer. In China. So are you adverse to all beer flavorings or just pumpkin beer? Somebody told me pumpkin beer has been around since colonial times…

    • omawarisan says:

      Yeah, yeah, they burned witches in colonial times too.

      Sure, that’s not strictly accurate. But in today’s climate, accuracy isn’t important. I just had to say it while shaking my head at you to make it a valid argument.

      OK, how about this. China has a history of wise choices…no, wait, there’s that whole Cultural Revolution/Gang Of Four scene that wasn’t really all that good.

      How about…I think a large part of the issue is pumpkin’s attitude. Pumpkin gets into everything, and expects to be welcomed. Pineapple wanders a little and accepts people’s reactions. Pineapple got into pizza, but it doesn’t act like you’re required to like it there.

  18. spencercourt says:

    Beautiful carved pineapple!

    Pumpkin beer….? Yecch! I like pina coladas….

  19. Jane says:

    This is hilarious, tempting, and unique. Now, this is what Saturday night is all about! Thanks Oma and pass the beer, please!

    • omawarisan says:

      Jane, it is all those things and it smells good too. In fact, if you had a coconut scented candle, you could make a pina colada scent come out of your pineapple jack-o-lantern.

      Your home would be so popular on Halloween you could give out Necco Wafers and no one would mind.

      • Pie says:

        I like that song…

        I googled Necco Wafers to see what you were talking about. Are they really that bad? The colours certainly make the eyes water. They have smoothies now, according to Wikipedia. One of the flavours is… tropical pineapple/coconut.

  20. Tony McGurk says:

    Awesome Pineapple carving. I see pumpkins the world over being replaced once word of this gets around. Although I don’t know how pineapple soup would go. I do like pumpkin soup.

  21. We need to keep the pressure on pumpkins; we can’t let them start thinking Halloween belongs to them and we have no say in the matter.

  22. Awww…that’s good. Real good. I don’t know if I can send you my cantaloupe pic now.

  23. Jason says:

    This is a great idea. As you can see from the pumpkin that I carved recently, I could definitely use some kind of alternative.

  24. Betty says:

    I do love your carved pineapple. There is a device that I use to core & slice pineapples that will give you a perfect shell. You cut off the top of pineapple and then kind of twist this thing into the pineapple, almost like a cork screw. When you pull it out, you get the pineapple sliced in rings, the core comes out too, and you’re left with the pineapple shell. I think that will help your carving efforts nicely.

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