Pineapple Puts Pumpkin In Its PlacePosted: October 14, 2011
I asked you nicely to stay out of food. You didn’t follow through on that.
So then I told you that I would see to it that you would never again find work as a jack-o-lantern at my house. I followed through on that.
Pineapple has taken your job.
It Didn’t Have To Come To This
Pumpkin, we were once friends. We all make choices. You made yours. As I said, we were once friends.
We were once friends. Do you remember that scuba diving trip at the end of October, about ten years ago? Think back, do you remember who the underwater pumpkin carving champion was? Yup, we were friends.
Think back farther. Remember being the friend who appeared every fall and reminded me that bags of candy deliciousness were on their way to little me? You were always there on the front porch of my closest neighbors, smiling while they went and got the special bowl they had for kids on the block…the one that had the big chocolate bars, not the “fun size” ones everyone else got.
Every year, they’d warn us in school about how strangers would put dangerous stuff in candy on Halloween. But you’d smile on Halloween night and everything would be fine. Making everything fine wasn’t enough for you, was it?
Don’t Let The Door Hit You In The Butt, Pumpkin
Before you leave, take a moment and meet your replacement, Pineapple.
Pineapple is delicious, nutritious, can be carved, and most importantly, does not come with all the ego problems that you seemed to have developed. Pineapple was content being food. It wasn’t looking to break out of being food and get into decoration in the same way that you tried to get out of being decoration and penetrate the food stream. Pineapple is deliciously humble.
I found Pineapple easy to work with. I set it on its side and cut a section out of its back. I was then able to remove its delicious sweetness, leaving just the shell of the fruit. Do you know what Pumpkin? The Pineapple shell was very easy to cut a face into. And because I cut and hollowed out the back of the Pineapple, I was able to leave the top intact, giving my Jack-O-Lantern a sort of tousled hair effect. No one does that with your stem, do they Pumpkin?
A Moment Of Honesty
Pumpkin, the part of me that I’m not proud of…no Pumpkin, not that, I’m speaking metaphorically. Anyhow, part of me was tempted to say here that I took what I removed from the Pineapple’s shell and made a really good pineapple upside down cake. I knew that would hurt you. But that isn’t what happened.
What happened is that I ate the pineapple. It was delicious and rich in manganese. In all the years I carved you, I never ate what was inside you. Why? Because I don’t like gook.
And Now, The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For
Pumpkin, behold, the fruit that put you out of a job.
Pretty good, huh? Yeah I think so, and I’m not the least bit artistic. Imagine what someone who was artistic could make of Pineapple.
And do you know what’s going to happen on Halloween? People will walk right past all the neighbors carved pumpkins, because you are a dime a dozen. But they will rave about my Pineapple Jack-O-Lantern. They will wish they’d thought of it.
Next year, they will think of it. They won’t buy you.
It could have been avoided. If only you weren’t greedy.
If you’d just stayed out of beer.