Five Routine Minutes: Five Minutes I Wish My Boss Didn’t Spend Shopping For Art.

I used to walk past the worst painting in the world on my way to my morning roll call meeting. My old boss hung the painting just outside the meeting room. I know he intended it to be inspirational. It wasn’t.

At least once a week, I would open the meeting with a reference to that awful painting.

Some mornings, the people I supervise would hear me coming and yell to me to remind me not to look at the painting.

The day after that boss transferred to another assignment, there was a buzz in the office before the meeting. Then, it got quiet. Quiet in my office means someone is up to something. It did this time.

I’d threatened to get that painting off the wall as soon as the boss was gone. They beat me to it. But they propped it up facing my chair, so I had to do the meeting with the painting right in front of me. We all had a great laugh.

I put the painting aside. I was off for a few days. When I came back, the painting was on my desk in place of my computer monitor. Next, it turned up in the back of the meeting room. Everyone but me faces the front of the room, it was placed so only I could see it.

Every time the painting has reappeared, I’ve taken it down and put it aside. They’ve found it each time and put it back up where I can see it.

Now, it is gone. I haven’t been able to find it in weeks. I am pretty sure it has found its way into someone’s garage. That isn’t to say I’m not going to see it again. I’ve gotten hints about when I might see that awful thing again – at my retirement party.

If they give me that monstrosity I will unretire for a day.

I know that some of you will wonder what the worst painting ever looks like. I will show you, but I want to warn you – it is crushingly depressing and depicts a member of my occupation being born aloft by an angel. I tried to warn you. Here it is, the first picture on this page.


54 Comments on “Five Routine Minutes: Five Minutes I Wish My Boss Didn’t Spend Shopping For Art.”

  1. Wendi says:

    Oma Dude, that is beyond dreadful. I am utterly unable to comprehend 1) why anyone would paint such a thing; 2) why anyone would spend good money on it.

  2. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    NO, NO, for the love of all that’s good and holy, NOOO! You made me look. I couldn’t resist it. That’s the thing about goddawful paintings – they will you to look at them. When I was working back in Minneapolis, there was one painting on the wall that gathered all the derision we could muster. We didn’t know the name of it, but the artist’s name was prominently featured on the bottom. It was a Ferrante. The word became part of our lexicon to describe anything that was particularly inept and poorly executed.

    The painting you speak of must be destroyed. Destroyed. Take it as your spiritual mission to rid the world of evil, one bad painting at a time. I’m going to seek out all the Thomas Kinkade paintings in all hotels and businesses and do the deed.

  3. I had to look at that painting. I can’t believe you tempted me like that. At least there’s not a pumpkin in it.

  4. Oh my heavens to betsy. I cannot believe you had to walk past that thing every morning. I love your staff, though. They sound awesome 🙂

  5. I clicked the link. I am dragging myself off to die now.

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    Is that Thor? I’m scared.

  7. Christy says:

    What I want to know is how they got Fabio to pose as the sucky angel? Although I have to admit, Fabio as the angel does fit the cheese factor of this particular piece.

  8. Jason says:

    Sometimes, when something that I think I hate disappears, I start to miss it. Don’t you miss the painting a little?

  9. It is bad. Your artist’s rendering of it is uncanny, though.

    Absolutely true story:

    I am being held against my will in an office building somewhere in the heart of DC, where I was forced earlier this week, again against my will, to go to a meeting in a room located just beyond what, until I read this post, I thought was the most soul-crushing painting I’d ever seen.

    When I passed that painting on the way to the meeting, I tried to avert my eyes. And then I realized I had my next blog post topic: the world’s most depressing painting hangs in my office building.

    And then I read this.

    Ok, the part about being held against my will isn’t entirely true, but the rest is. Sometimes I think we lead parallel lives. Except yours is better because you get to retire. 🙂

  10. Todd Pack says:

    Wow. That painting is … wow. What were they thinking? Also, who is the guy in the armor supposed to be? Seriously, I have no idea.

    • omawarisan says:

      The guy in the armor is St. Michael, patron saint of police. Based on this painting, it seems to me that he is clearly not the patron saint of timely intervention.

      I still haven’t made sense of the goal of the painting. I’m just glad I don’t know the artist. It would be so awkward for him to say “hey man, look what I made for you”.

  11. Laura says:

    That angel is really bad at his job. I’m pretty sure he’s supposed to bring the soul to Heaven and leave the body behind, but he seems to be doing the opposite.

  12. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    My friend, your sketches are absolute genius, and all infinitely more awesome than that painting. I know you warned me, but I had to click. Vigo from Ghostbusters II was a better painting, and he tried to destroy a city (planet?).

    I hope you can chuckle when the painting reappears. My wife & I have a similar game with a creepy little Mrs. Claus salt or pepper shaker…

  13. Holly says:

    How is that inspirational, its just plain creepy

    • omawarisan says:

      It is. It was put up after I had gone home one day. The first time I saw it was at 6 am, walking into the meeting. There was sort of a loud WTF and I called my group out to look at it. Everyone was awestruck by the depressing badness.

  14. OHMYGOD It’s actually scary!!!! Ick! I’m worried you’ll see it on an overpass when you’re driving home. That’s where I’d put it.

    • omawarisan says:

      Hmmm….put it on the roof of my car, late at night. Oh how unfortunate, it blew onto th interstate and got run over by a truck!

      On the one that was in my office, even the frame was awful.

  15. I don’t blame you for not liking that painting. I much prefer your artistic style!

  16. Katybeth says:

    Truly awful!! Angel Fail. I’m pretty sure even St. Michael objects…What about one of the paintings where St. Michael is killing the dragon? With a big sword! Now that is inspirational. The dragon would be the archetype for evil! Or not….

  17. queensgirl says:

    You should have found a parakeet to “take care” of it.

  18. duckofindeed says:

    Oh, no! I hope it was your coworkers moving the painting around, and it simply doesn’t just have a mind of its own…

  19. omawarisan says:

    I thought I should point out that according to the stats I’m seeing, better than half of the people who’ve read this post have gone on to look at the dreaded painting despite my warning.

    Many of you are disturbed. I like that.

  20. k8edid says:

    Gack…..that is repugnant. And yes, I did have to look.

  21. spencercourt says:

    I’ve seen worse….but I don’t have the photo evidence.

  22. Maxim says:

    What do you have against sexy angels!? That’s all I like to paint.

  23. […] Oma as Art Connoisseur 21 Nov     The Oma Critiques The World’s Second-Most Soul-Crushing Painting   Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

  24. planetross says:

    Maybe that painting would look better as a blacklight velvet poster … with some dogs playing poker in it … and not so much policeman being carried by the guy from X-Men 3.

  25. Pie says:

    St. Michael Bolton circa 1991. That painting is beyond awful and I’m still traumatised. Your profession needs to get a different saint, because this one certainly isn’t doing you any favours.

    I’m confident you’ll receive that painting upon your retirement, along with a pumpkin (in its natural form, or as a pie, latte, or beer) and a year’s supply of tea and coffee. I hope you’re good at smiling through disappointment.

  26. […] a two-week illness, The Oma emerges full of vim and vigor  to  critique The World’s Second-Most Soul-Crushing Painting. Share The Oma's excellent adventures with others. . […]

  27. […] You may recall a post I did a few years ago about an awful painting that hung in my office. The day before the party, my troops gave me a t-shirt with the painting on it. It was funny, and one example of the many reasons I will miss them terribly. […]

  28. oh at first I didn’t understand the fuss then I saw the painting, my heart goes out to you.
    What is that thing?? 😯
    It is not a painting, it is a torture device, you should have practiced darts on it

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