When I Am Rich: A Donation With Strings Attatched.Posted: November 25, 2011
They say that there is no such thing as bad publicity. I’m guessing that there are certain notorious types who might differ with that concept. Still, that’s what they say and when have “they” led us astray before? I kept what “they say” in mind when I decided on the next outlandish expenditure I am going to make when the money from this blog starts rolling in.
I am aware that if I do not keep my name in front of the public after my big break, I’ll be overtaken by irrelevance. Without publicity, the words on the blog will not be enough to keep the cash pouring in. I’ve already told you that I’ll be making some wild investments like blimps and locomotives. I will need cash pouring in to keep my fleet going. That is why I will have to invest some of my money into something to keep my name in the public’s ear, even when they are not talking about my words.
I Get The Flu
Every year, one strain of the flu is chosen to go around making everyone miserable. It is anyone’s guess how the decision is made on which flu gets the job from year to year. Some believe there is a pageant. Others have pushed the theory that there is some sort of application process where interested viruses submit resumes and a few are interviewed by a panel of physicians.
As an aside, it is nice that all the viruses respect the selection process. You don’t see monkey flu or Taiwan flu pushing their way into the game if the process determines that it is dog flu’s year.
Despite what some people who I’ve had fallings out with might tell you, I am not a virus. While this precludes me from being the actual flu, I think I can do the next best thing. I will have a strain of the flu named for me. By doing that, I will keep my name on everyone’s mind, thus increasing attention for the blog and income for me.
How This Will Work
I will invest a portion of my blog income into a donation to the Centers For Disease Control (CDC). This donation will come with a string attached. Lots of rich people make donations with strings attached. Buildings on a college campus aren’t named for great scholars, they’re named for rich people with lots of stringy money. I don’t want anything as ostentatious as a brick building on a prestigious campus, I just want a germ. I’ll throw some money at the CDC with the stipulation that a flu be named Omawarisan Flu.
Once I have a flu named after me, you’ll hear and see my name everywhere. “Did you get your shot for the Omawarisan Flu?” “We’re really shorthanded at work; the Omawarisan is tearing through the office.” People who don’t know me will learn my name. People who do will remember me, and that will be a good thing to at least some of them. Those memories and the increased name recognition will equal blog traffic and money for me.
Taiwan, birds, swine, monkeys and all manner of other entities will object to my plan. I don’t care. Birds, swine and the rest have been riding the gravy train of free flu publicity for so long now. It is time for someone else to reap the benefits of other people’s feverish nausea. That someone is me.
I’m going to be so rich. I’m just going to keep getting richer after I invest in the flu.
Remember – starve a cold, feed The Omawarisan.