The Policies Of My Administration: PonchosPosted: November 30, 2011
The weather is turning cool. People are adjusting their wardrobes to suit the weather. When I hopped out of the car this morning to pick up my breakfast I grabbed my jacket to keep me warm. Once inside, I saw something that jarred me. I realized it was a matter my administration would have to address.
That something was a woman wearing a poncho.
I oppose the poncho. If you own one of these garments and want to be in compliance when my administration comes to power, you should start shopping now for a proper coat.
Please don’t construe this policy to mean that my administration opposes any person named Pancho. Your neighbor, Pancho, is OK by me. I’m sure he is a good guy.
I also don’t mind…
…Pancho, that man who works in the accounting department.
…Pancho, the kid my son went to middle school with.
…your landlord, Pancho.
…any pets named Pancho, but especially dogs. I just like dogs.
I do not have an axe to grind with anyone named Pancho. Not even Pancho Villa. Mr. Villa never did anything to me and we have no gripe, despite what you might have read in the gossip rags.
Why No Ponchos?
The poncho is just a blanket with a hole in it. Blankets are wonderful, but cutting a hole in one and dropping it over your head changes everything.
No one looks good in a poncho. It just hangs on the wearer’s body like, well, a blanket. And if you do anything with your arms, you expose them to the cold weather that the poncho purports to protect you from.
If a person chooses to eat while wearing a poncho, things get worse. Lifting food to the mouth also raises half a blanket worth of fabric up to catch spills and drips. No one wants to see what you had for lunch when you return to the office with it streaked on your poncho.
A Special Note To Camping Guys
I have a lot of friends who are camping guys. Camping guys always have rain ponchos. Not little emergency rain ponchos. They are big heavy ponchos with metal grommets in the corners so they can build stuff out of several ponchos. Camping guys love their ponchos. They are screaming as they read this. They wonder how they will camp in the rain without ponchos.
Camping guys, I don’t expect you to camp in the rain. I think when it is raining you should stay home and do something else. You have a roof. Use it. Yes, I know you had plans to camp this weekend even though it is going to pour. That’s why God invented next weekend.
When I take over, blankets will be blankets. Blankets with holes in them will be trash, not outer wear.
Poncho and Pancho will remain unfortunate homonyms. One of them will still be your neighbor, my administration will ban the other one.
The policy is coming. Plan and conduct yourself accordingly.