When I Am Rich: Opposition Research

The western front of the United States Capitol...

Not a lot of good happening in here. (Image via Wikipedia)

I don’t think well of politicians. I’ve not known many who have given me reason to change my position. The optimist in me insists that I keep my eyes open just in case a good one comes along.

So far, a good one hasn’t come along.

Election season is here in the US, and the airwaves are full of people circulating ideas about their opponents and the nation. I’m about sick of hearing them.  I’m sick of everything about this election except  for the concept of opposition research.

Opposition research is the practice of poking around in an opposing political candidate’s background to find unflattering information on that opponent. That information is doled out to the press and the public to gain an advantage over that rival. While I don’t like politicians, nor how they operate, I do like the idea of having an opposition research staff at my disposal. When this blog makes me rich, I am going to hire people to do opposition research for me.

Who Are My Opponents?

It is natural to wonder who I would have my staff dig up dirt on. After all, who really opposes me? I know, it’s just a silly, trick question. No one would dare oppose me. But my wealth and fame will change some people’s reaction to me. I really should be ready to trash them.

Regular octagon

This is an_____? (Image via Wikipedia)

Someone likely believes that I have yet to provide a quality literary experience. Would it make you more or less likely to listen to someone who said that if I told you that they cheated on a geometry test in 8th grade?  They don’t know what an octagon is, and I occasionally do provide quality. But who has time to trash their opponents like that and maintain a quality literary experience for their readers? I sure don’t. I am going to have to have someone else digging up the dirt on my enemies.

A staff of about five should suit my purposes at the beginning. Hey, look, I am a job creator! Five jobs, right before your eyes. I am a job creator, unlike my opposition, who destroys jobs and does not call his mother.

Why Must Everything Be So Negative?

Someone told me that one of the unofficial corporate mottoes of Google is “First, do no evil”. I don’t know if that is true, because if it is unofficial it probably isn’t written where I can see it. I like that as a motto. I’m going to make it the first part of the motto of my opposition research staff.

The full motto of my research group is going to be “First, do no evil. Do evil second”. This is the philosophy that will make my opposition research different from all the rest. Before they do evil, they will find out something good about or for someone I like. Then they’ll spread the word on how one of my enemies was caught writing another person’s name in wet concrete.

Favorable information regarding my friends will enable me to roam the countryside, dropping happy little tidbits into the ears of people I like:

  • “No, you didn’t tell me you volunteered with Special Olympics. I just heard it around town and I think that’s really cool of you.”
  • “You mentioned your mom’s spaghetti sauce. Check it out, my people found you the recipe!”
  • “I like that you rescued your dog from a shelter.”

But mostly, my opposition research staff will focus right where you’d expect them to, because my enemies will deserve it.

Does anyone know where I can get  some good enemies? Oh, and I’ll need some henchmen too.

Look at that, henchmen. More jobs created.

My opponents outsource their hench activities.


28 Comments on “When I Am Rich: Opposition Research”

  1. Jane says:

    Enemies? That’s easy: Buy a dog. Let the dog out in the back yard around 2:00 am. It is imperative that the dog chooses to bark continuously.

    That’s it. Guaranteed to elicit enemies within earshot of Fido’s sparky barks.

    Let me know if you need more ideas: I’m full of ’em.

  2. weid0089 says:

    Hire me… I love gossiping… I mean, I love doing quality research!

  3. But see, now I can tell all your constituents that you actually stole that spaghetti sauce recipe from Ragu. A total inside job.

    And that dog from the shelter? You trained it to file taxes. Improperly. HA! So there. Like a chihuahua mix could ever keep up with changes to the tax code. You’re going DOWN, mister!

  4. Debbie says:

    Isn’t “do no evil” in the Hippocratic Oath doctors take? No, wait, that’s “do no harm.” Oh, well, same difference, I guess. I’m tired of the political wrangling, too — kinda makes one wonder if anybody is qualified to run for office!

  5. I have a large piece of paper that says I’m a qualified researcher and I work within walking distance of K Street and The White House — you can’t swing a cat around here without hitting a politician/potential enemy.

    Just give the word and I’ll start swinging. (Note to self: test the cat-swinging theory at lunch.)

    • omawarisan says:


      Regarding the large piece of paper, is your diploma outrageously large, like mine? I can sleep comfortably under mine, but when I see people’s diplomas from schools other than ours they are much smaller.

      • Um, yes. I wrote “large piece of paper” because you asked that very same question … I dunno…some other time, so I knew you would know I was referencing my diploma and that I hadn’t just scribbled out QUALIFIED RESEARCHER on a large piece of paper.

        Or maybe I did. Unless your opposition research team can prove it, I deny everything.

        Except swinging cats. That I might have done. You just never know with me.

        The repetition of the question is the perfect set-up for Groundhog’s Day. 🙂

  6. Amy says:

    I’ve always wanted to be a henchperson. I’m great at following orders and I can wring my hands menacingly. Do you need references?

  7. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Would you hire a henchman? Cuz, ya know, my thighs could kill a man…

  8. k8edid says:

    Why settle for mere enemies? You need arch-enemies. And I prefer the term henchwench.

  9. Lenore Diane says:

    Finally, an idea I can feel good about and vote ‘yes’!

  10. planetross says:

    I’ll be a henchman, but only if I get to wear a striped shirt with the word “Henchman” on it.

  11. spencercourt says:

    Let’s not forget calling your opponents something that “sounds” evil…such as: “He is a known,shameless, long-time monogamist!”

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