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When I Am Rich: Saltines

Most of the ideas I have for spending the money that is going to pour in from writing this blog a mix of decadence and practicality. Some people might think it pure excess to have my own mariachi band and my own blimp. Today, I move to the extreme, with an idea that completely lacks practicality.

Individually, not a big deal. Together, dry, salty decadence. (Image via Wikipedia)

I was reading about saltine crackers, because that’s the kind of wild stuff that I do to get my name in all the gossip magazines. As my eyes fell upon an illustration in my reading, I noted that saltines are usually perforated along the sides. That made me think about the possibility that these crackers exist in large sheets – like a sheet of postage stamps, but much larger.

That is where I am going to throw some of my money – into pure saltine decadence.

Crackers? Decadence?

I know a lot of people have a policy of not mixing saltines with the concept of self indulgent luxury. I know this because I was once one of them. I’ve discovered that, even at my age, a person can change. I’ve decided that these crackers are one of the showy things I will buy to show off my outrageous wealth

An individual saltine is not decadent. A 4 foot by 8 foot perforated sheet of crackers is. Yes, sheets of saltine crackers the size of a sheet of plywood. Do you know anyone else who has those? That’s why I’m going do it.

It’s My Party

English: Cordell, OK, November 6, 2001 -- Anth...

Like this, except made of crackers. (Image via Wikipedia)

Imagine coming out to my place for dinner once I’m rich. It’d be like it would be now – kind of casual, with a simple menu. I’d make some chili while you listen to my mariachi band play their version of Steely Dan‘s classic album, Aja.

When dinner was ready, we’d sit down at the table. The band would join us, because I like to treat the people who work for me well. I am not going to make my mariachi smell my chili cooking while they play, then make them leave. You might want to sit next to the guy who plays the big guitar. Avoid the trumpet player, he’s a bit gassy.

If you could put aside how big my home was, I think you’d be struck by how simply I lived despite my wealth. But then I’d offer you some crackers and everything would change. You’d see my giant sheet saltines and realize that I was living the high life.

My detractors would likely tell you that having four by eight saltines are no big deal. But I’m certain that you, my wise and respected reader(s), know that it really is. It isn’t cheap to ship and store them without breaking them. Do you know anyone who has a special room and people on staff to store and move their crackers around? If you don’t, you soon will, as soon as the money starts pouring in to my pockets.

I’ll be hosting a chili cook off. Get your ladles ready. I’ll provide the crackers.

I am impractical like that.

Behold, the house band for the annual Omawarisan Chili Cook Off. Bring the love for the band.

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37 Comments on “When I Am Rich: Saltines”

  1. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    You, my friend, know how to enjoy Chili in style! I have hosted several chili cookoff events at my place. The last couple have been paired with a Wii bowling tournament. We even have a trophy…

    I always need crackers with soup. I would love to have plywood sheet-sized saltines. That is decadence indeed. I love the mariachi band idea too, but I don’t know that there are that many in Pittsburgh. I may have to sub in a bluegrass band playing Metallica covers.

  2. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I could sleep on a sheet of saltines. During the night, if I got hungry, I’d nibble at the perforated edges. And, saltines and ice cream are a fantastic treat! I’d have to eat fast so that the bed wouldn’t get soggy. You live to make this world a better place, Oma. You ought to be rich if you’re not.

  3. Jason says:

    I think I would hang a sheet of saltines on my wall. That would look great in my house.

  4. shoutabyss says:

    This post is crackers.

    Yeah, saltines are cool, so it stands to reason that a giant sheet of them would be even cooler. After all, more is better. But, how many varieties are there? Original saltines and what? Squid-flavored saltines? That’s it? Gimme a break!

    “In the 21st century a new era dawned for all mankind. Well, at least in the United States. While people all over the world were dying from hunger and one-sixth of the world didn’t have access to clean drinking water, snack-hungry Americans enjoyed their God-given right to the pursuit of 13 different varieties of Wheat Thins.”

    Source: Wheat the Thin People

    I blogged about Wheat Thins and you blogged about saltines. Were we separated at birth?

    You did make one little mistake, though. You went with the wrong Steely Dan album. It, obviously, should have been Pretzel Logic FTW! 🙂

    • omawarisan says:

      Any major dude would agree with you, Pretzel Logic is the stuff.

      I think the lack of variety in saltines are a tribute to their goodness. They don’t mess with them because they are the finest.

  5. Debbie says:

    I hope your sheet crackers are better protected than their smaller cousins. It’s hard to open a package of crackers without ending up with a handful of crumbs! Love your advice to avoid sitting next to the trumpet player (my son is one!).

  6. I love saltines. I like chili, I like Mariachi bands, and I like Steely Dan. But I love saltines. I would like to see how they are made and if they really are made on a big plank. I have this scene in my head of workers carefully removing this humungous saltine from the oven, letting it cool and then CAREFULLY breaking along the lines to make those perfect squares (maybe holding their breath, like jewelers cutting a diamond). I bet that part is hard. Really hard. I bet they have BARRELS of crackers that never make it into the sleeves b/c they got chipped a little bit. Imagine how many times they say: “Oops…Darn!” What a frustrating task that would be — trying to achieve perfectly square crackers. Especially the new itty-bitty ones! 🙂 And what, I imagine, do they do with all those imperfect crackers? There must be oodles — they are so fragile. That’s what I want to know. And that’s the kind of reality TV I want to see. How stuff is made like that.

  7. Laura says:

    This is a great idea, but moving all those crackers around during your party could be a little inconvenient. Why not simply set a giant saltine on top of your dining room table like an edible tablecloth? Or just get rid of the table altogether and replace it with a huge pile of giant saltines?

  8. Linda Sand says:

    When I was a kid our saltines came in sheets of four of those little crackers still stuck together. You had to do your own breaking apart on the dotted lines. It was always a challenge to decide whether to break vertically or horizontally first. That also why my Mom’s recipes don’t work today–they call for two crackers when now you need eight.

  9. k8edid says:

    I will bring my husband – he is a huge Steely Dan fan. Huge fan, that is, he is not, himself, huge. I shall make this chili recipe, which will win your cookoff: http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/katys-kick-ass-chili/ Then I will be one step closer to my dream of world domination

  10. KathiD says:

    Well see, like Linda, I remember Back In The Day when children had to break apart their own saltines before they could crumble them into rehydrated canned chicken noodle soup. We did this soon after walking home from school uphill in the snow.

    Kids today are pussies.

  11. Can you afford the peanut butter for those crackers? That’s the true sign of wealth.

  12. Blogdramedy says:

    I like a man who’s not afraid of dipping his cracker into something hot. Sign me up for that chili cook-off!

  13. planetross says:

    You’d need a big bowl of soup … or a big piece of cheese to do those saltines justice.

    note: I’ve never used crackers in chili. Am I missing out on one of life’s great experiences?

    double note: people in Ecuador put popcorn in soup. … it’s pretty good actually.

  14. Lenore Diane says:

    I read this yesterday, but I was overcome with thirst – from eating too many saltine crackers and thinking about the chili/cracker combo. I’m re-hydrated again, so all is well.
    I second the other mention of peanut butter. Love that with my saltines. And the chili-cookoff …. please, sign me up!

  15. linlah says:

    I too was thinking one needs a big block of cheese because saltines and cheddar are meant to be together.

  16. We Found Him Captain! says:

    I have replaced all the window shades in my house with 4×8 sheets of
    Saltines.


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