When I Am Rich: SaltinesPosted: February 15, 2012
Most of the ideas I have for spending the money that is going to pour in from writing this blog a mix of decadence and practicality. Some people might think it pure excess to have my own mariachi band and my own blimp. Today, I move to the extreme, with an idea that completely lacks practicality.
I was reading about saltine crackers, because that’s the kind of wild stuff that I do to get my name in all the gossip magazines. As my eyes fell upon an illustration in my reading, I noted that saltines are usually perforated along the sides. That made me think about the possibility that these crackers exist in large sheets – like a sheet of postage stamps, but much larger.
That is where I am going to throw some of my money – into pure saltine decadence.
I know a lot of people have a policy of not mixing saltines with the concept of self indulgent luxury. I know this because I was once one of them. I’ve discovered that, even at my age, a person can change. I’ve decided that these crackers are one of the showy things I will buy to show off my outrageous wealth
An individual saltine is not decadent. A 4 foot by 8 foot perforated sheet of crackers is. Yes, sheets of saltine crackers the size of a sheet of plywood. Do you know anyone else who has those? That’s why I’m going do it.
It’s My Party
Imagine coming out to my place for dinner once I’m rich. It’d be like it would be now – kind of casual, with a simple menu. I’d make some chili while you listen to my mariachi band play their version of Steely Dan‘s classic album, Aja.
When dinner was ready, we’d sit down at the table. The band would join us, because I like to treat the people who work for me well. I am not going to make my mariachi smell my chili cooking while they play, then make them leave. You might want to sit next to the guy who plays the big guitar. Avoid the trumpet player, he’s a bit gassy.
If you could put aside how big my home was, I think you’d be struck by how simply I lived despite my wealth. But then I’d offer you some crackers and everything would change. You’d see my giant sheet saltines and realize that I was living the high life.
My detractors would likely tell you that having four by eight saltines are no big deal. But I’m certain that you, my wise and respected reader(s), know that it really is. It isn’t cheap to ship and store them without breaking them. Do you know anyone who has a special room and people on staff to store and move their crackers around? If you don’t, you soon will, as soon as the money starts pouring in to my pockets.
I’ll be hosting a chili cook off. Get your ladles ready. I’ll provide the crackers.
I am impractical like that.
Behold, the house band for the annual Omawarisan Chili Cook Off. Bring the love for the band.