Five Routine Minutes: Why There Won’t Ever Be Zombie Hawks

I made a quick trip to visit my son on campus last week.

We were walking toward his dorm and saw something a little startling. A squirrel. Well, not so much a squirrel, as a squirrel’s head. Nothing more.

The squirrel had a shocked look on his face.

I reacted as you might expect:

The squirrel looked like he had been saying the same thing at the moment he went to squirrel heaven.

My son had an idea of what had happened.

He majors in environmental stuff and since high school he’s worked at a rehab center for birds of prey. I feel sure he knew what he was talking about.

When I say rehab for birds of prey, I’m talking helping injured birds…

The squirrel certainly wasn’t going to say much to contest his point of view.

But the disembodied squirrel head left me with a question.

My son is so smart his words leak out of his balloon

Well there you have it. And that answer leads me to a very logical and reassuring conclusion.

Zombies eat brains.
Hawks don’t. So…

I am reassured.

He did look really shocked.


39 Comments on “Five Routine Minutes: Why There Won’t Ever Be Zombie Hawks”

  1. I KNEW I left that thing somewhere. Glad you found it. Can I have it back?

  2. robincoyle says:

    Words leak out of my bubble all the time too.

  3. mikegee64 says:

    So, how do hawks know the nutritional values of a squirrel’s brain? I’ve never gotten close enough to a squirrel to see if there is a nutritional label on the side of his head… Not that I’ve tried, at least not for that purpose, I have no need for that information.

    But do hawks discuss this stuff? Are they sitting around chatting… “Hey Kenny, you alright? You are looking kinda peaked lately.”

    “I don’t know what it is Arturo, I just don’t have any energy and I just feel kind of washed out you know?”

    “Are you getting enough squirrels?”

    “Yeah, like three a day, but I have to force myself to finish them.”

    “You aren’t eating the brains, right?”

    “Sure I am, aren’t you supposed to?”

    “Well, you can, but they don’t have much iron or fat… It’s just empty calories, man. You are better off just eating two squirrels without the heads than one with.”

    “I hate to waste food like that though, you know”

    “It’s not wasting it… Raccoons come by later and… You know what? Just shut the £*<¥ up and eat something, wouldja Kenny? Jeez we sound like a couple of owls over here…"

  4. Omawarison says:

    Actually, looking back on the incident, I feel like I should have been a little shocked too. I guess I’ve gotten used to squirrel heads. That should feel odd to say as well. I think.

  5. Your logic is unassailable.


    How do you know that the brains were in fact intact? Did you inspect the head? Maybe hawks have developed some terrifying way of extracting brains while making it look like they didn’t. I’m very worried.

  6. An alternative explanation–have the Jolie’s whereabouts been confirmed?

  7. All I can say is whenever you’re around, squirrels and chipmunks seem to meet with an untimely demise. I suppose the good news is you’re probably not a zombie.

    The trip seems to have brought about some bonding, as Ol’ Blue Eyes is now calling you “Dad” instead of “Old Man.” Or was that just a formatting issue?

  8. We ffffffound him Captain! says:

    I think the victim squirrel was walking with his mate and made the mistake of checking out a real “foxy” looking squirrel. His mate got p.o.’d and took his head off then they “made up” and walked off together. I estimate you missed the altercation by 5-10 minutes. Squirrels fight and make up real fast.

  9. Laura says:

    There’s just one thing bothering me — human brains are bigger than squirrel brains, and (I assume) provide more nutrients. So I’m not entirely sure we’re safe.

  10. spencercourt says:

    That’s it…blame the hawk, an easy “usual suspect.” I pose this question to you: what if you had come upon a gecko head? Your prime suspect would have been….? I raise this thorny question because in my twisted youth, I had a mini-guillotine which I used to decapitate geckos. Perhaps there is another twisted type out there doing the same thing to squirrels…? Muhahaha!

  11. The Jagged Man says:

    Reason number two why hawks won’t be zombies: They do not shamble, fly like the wind yes but they just do not shamble. They would make great ninjas though. Sorry, just a stray thought but they would be…….
    Loved the post Oma and I am trying to figure where I can use the line about rehab for birds of prey!

  12. My Odd Family says:

    That last picture is SO sad. Poor squirrel–I know Hawks have to eat too but it’s still sad. Poor headless Squirrel.

  13. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    This was a difficult and painful read. I love LOVE squirrels. I realize nature is unfriendly, even hostile, but this hurt.

    One time I was driving down the road and I saw a flattened squirrel on the pavement. It’s tail was sticking straight up as though it grew out of the pavement. I think I laughed. And then immediately regretted it.

    Your son is so wise!

  14. Lenore Diane says:

    “My son is so smart his words leak out of his balloon.” Makes me chuckle, Oma. Good stuff.

    The paranoid soul in me wonders if there is a cult on campus or something. A squirrel’s head and nothing else? Weird. So very weird.

  15. Debbie says:

    Oma, that poor squirrel lived on the wrong campus. At ND, squirrels are fat and friendly. Why, they’ll eat right out of your hand! Never would you find a squirrel-less head just lying on campus looking stunned. Nope, wouldn’t happen. Poor, sad little thing.

  16. […] Five Routine Minutes: Why There Won’t Ever Be Zombie Hawks ( […]

  17. Betty says:

    While walking the wiener dog, I often see hawks circling over. Apparently mini dachshunds look like rats from the air.

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