Famous Last Words (I Have But One)Posted: May 16, 2012 (the first part of this story is back here)
We hopped into the car and I aimed it south toward home. In three hours, I’d be rid of Pickles. He’d go off to make someone else miserable. I’d have two glorious days off. Two days off to savor the little victory I’d won by restraining myself from snapping at him.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Pickles and I didn’t know it, but we were about to come face to face with Fate. Yes, I met Fate on Interstate 40 West. I can tell you that he looks horrific.
I was driving, Pickles was in the passenger seat. I was eager to get home and be rid of him. If I were to guess, I’d say that he felt the same way about me. I was at the limit of my tolerance for him. He had exceeded his quota of “well, actually” lectures. He was also at his limit for telling me what to do. Admittedly, two weeks of not expressing my irritation with him had made me unpleasant company.
Maybe I’m the only one that does this, maybe not. Sometimes, when I’m driving, I see a truck transporting something very large and I think about how bad it would be if that big thing fell off the truck. But that never happens, does it?
Well it happened to me and Pickles.
On Interstate 40 West, we came up on a truck with a flatbed trailer. On the trailer was a bulldozer. It was brand new, with bright yellow paint and not a speck of dirt on it. We approached it from behind, it was going slow and I was driving at a speed commensurate with my desire to rid myself of Pickles.
Pickles and I had just a radio battle. I was driving and listening to music. He reached over and changed the station. No discussion, no “do you mind?” Click, new station in mid song. Civilized persons will recognize this as a clear violation of natural law. I changed it back to the station I’d been listening to. He started to reach again. I looked at him, he pulled his hand back.
It was at that point that we came up on the truck. I looked at the bulldozer and had my little “what if” moment. I can report to you that if a bulldozer falls off a truck at 55 mph it bounces.
Yes, it happened. I saw the bulldozer fall off the left side of the trailer. There was no traffic between our car and the truck, just open road and not much of that. The big machine bounced and when it hit the pavement for the second time it came apart into a blizzard of yellow metal parts. I’ve seen a lot. I have been scared. I have never seen anything that scared me more than the bouncing bulldozer.
Why Deny The Obvious, Child?
Pickles and I did not die that day, though I think that we were both certain we were going to. If we had, these would have been our last words:
- Pickles: STTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPP!
- Me: SHUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUP!
I remember being terrified of the bulldozer, yet infuriated. I wasn’t mad at the truck driver, as I jerked the steering wheel to the left and hit the brakes. I was furious at Pickles, as the bulk of the machine slid by to our right. I knew that I should stop. I did not need any help with that decision. Nor did I want to be under the bulldozer. Once again, he was telling me what to do. I couldn’t stand for it and out came the word.
So, at the moment that I was sure I would be leaving this life, I had a last word that I am not proud of. I was raised better to tell anyone to shut up. Yet, on the day The Grim Reaper dressed as a flying bulldozer, not only did I say shut up, I screamed it at the top of my lungs.
I’m not proud of my last word, but I deny responsibility for it. Pickles made me say it. Every man has his limit. Mine is two weeks of that guy and one flying bulldozer.
Since I know that a bulldozer can fall off a truck, I have prepared a suggested script. I’d like each of you to rehearse this in the event we encounter a tumbling bulldozer while I’m driving you somewhere.
Please practice your line at top volume.
- You: Hey O, you’ve got this!
- Me: I appreciate the affirmation!
- Famous Last Words (And Mine) (blurtblog.net)