Kaleidoscope? No Thanks. I Have Something Better.

Kaleidoscopes suck. Unless you have chugged an enormous amount of medication, they remain entertaining for about five minutes.

A multi-colored view of a kaleidoscope

Ooooh, symmetry! Alright, Grandma, I’m done. Next?! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let me tell you a story to illustrate what a lousy toy the kaleidoscope is. I was in a gift shop the other day. There’s no need for you to get all hung up on what I was doing in a gift shop. I was there. I was there when a woman asked her granddaughter if she wanted a kaleidoscope. Do you know what the little girl said?

She said no. This was a rare event. No child ever says no to a gift from Grandma. Even a box of socks from Grammy might have cash at the bottom. No way any child on top of her game turns down the Grandma gift. Yet this girl said no to the gift of a kaleidoscope.

It is a fact that, under normal circumstances, a child who is on top of her game does not turn down the Grandma gift. The phrase “under normal circumstances” implies there is an exception. The only exception to the Grandma gift rule is if the gift is at the top of the lousiness rankings, no is an acceptable answer. The girl did not seem to be a rule breaking desperado. She wasn’t turning down just any gift, just the worst one.

And Then I Heard Angels Sing As I Had A Brilliant Idea

I had a revelation in that gift shop. It doesn’t matter why I was in the gift shop. I’m telling you that I had a revelation about how I’d improve the kaleidoscope. I’d change it to a collideoscope.

The mechanics of how my collideoscope will work is not important. Like so many other things, what will be important is that I have it and other people don’t. I’ll go to great lengths to make sure that other people know that I have it. You see, when it comes to the collideoscope, their knowledge is my power.

Once someone knows I have a collideoscope, I will be able to bend them to my will. I’ll take the device out and start to raise it to my eye. Knowing what it is, they’ll say something like “hey, don’t look at me through that thing”. I’ll say what I want, like “I want you to rent a beach house for my use”. They’ll comply out of fear that I’ll look at them through my magic scope and envision their eventual collision with someone or something.

As soon as I use up my next roll of paper towels, I will get a marker and write COLLIDEOSCOPE on it in big bold letters. Lightning bolts before and after the word might make it scarier. I might add drawings of car crashes and of people bumping their heads on open cabinet doors. Even people who I haven’t explained it to will gather the impression that bad stuff happens to those who fall under the gaze of me and my collideoscope. This will be the first version of the device. If you see me whip it out on someone, play along…unless you just don’t like beach houses.


17 Comments on “Kaleidoscope? No Thanks. I Have Something Better.”

  1. The Hipster says:

    I can’t help but wonder why you were in a gift shop. Ordinarily, I would assume you were in a gift shop for the same general reasons anyone would be in a gift shop. Did you make me wonder why you were in a gift shop through the magical, lightning bolt powers of your collideoscope? Man, that thing’s good.

  2. Todd Pack says:

    A kaleidoscope is like that toy you see in movies that’s just a big hoop, and a kid is running beside it, pushing it with a stick. It’s a toy whose time has come and gone.

  3. Debbie says:

    Your collideoscope sounds like an object whose time has come. If even little kids are no longer interested in kaleidoscopes, that company must know its popularity has fizzled. Move over, kaleidoscope. Make way for Oma’s collideoscope!

  4. Lenore Diane says:

    This is another ploy to sharpen your mind control skills isn’t it? Well, I know why you were in the gift shop, and I am not going to tell you how I know. So … did you use all the paper towels yet?

  5. Katybeth says:

    I have a beautiful Kaleidoscope that I adore from a very upscale gift store. A Kaleidoscope is not boring if you point it at different things and allow it to absorb the color. No one could accuse you of a lack of imagination or artistic abilities so I can only assume you have been looking through cheap Kaleidoscope. As for the child–she has her eye on a different gift. Perhaps pink crocs. I am intrigued by your idea of a collideoscope and would love to see a prototype as described with lightening bolts. It sounds really groovy.

  6. Robin Coyle says:

    So why the heck were you in the gift shop? Buying a little something for me?

  7. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    That’s what I need! A collideoscope! I’ve been using a sledgehammer and it doesn’t appear to be doing the trick. I’m still not vacationing at a beach house.

  8. Laura says:

    Whatever you do, don’t take a collideoscope to the airport.

So, what's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s