Whose Cuisine Reigns Supreme?Posted: June 4, 2012
On Saturday night, I was watching television. That is the kind of wild life I lead. It wasn’t so bad, I was watching Iron Chef.
So it was Saturday and I’m watching Iron Chef. It wasn’t even the exceedingly cool Japanese version. Perhaps it was so bad.
Until that night, if you’d asked me if I could envision myself as a competitor on Iron Chef, I would have had to tell you that I could not. But then came Saturday night and things changed. Perhaps it wasn’t so bad after all.
What My Concern Was
Most of the times that I’ve watched the show, the secret ingredient has been something that falls into the category of “I’m not going to eat that.” “I don’t know how to cook that” is very closely connected to “I’m not going to eat that”. So when I thought about how cool it would be to battle one of the great chefs, I envisioned a very short show:
- The Chairman: Which Iron Chef do you select?
- Me: I will battle Iron Chef Michael Symon.
- The Chairman: Are you ready to see the secret ingredient?
- Me: Time’s a wastin’
- The Chairman: It is chicken combs!
- Me: Yeah. I forfeit.
My confidence in myself as a potential competitor shot up the other night. For the first time, the secret ingredient was something I can work with – hot dogs.
I’m Not Afraid Of Any Iron Chefs
I’m confident I’d give a good account of myself if I went on Iron Chef and the ingredient was hot dogs. I might even sneak up on an Iron Chef and win our battle.
I’d wow the judges with a dizzying array of hot dog preparations and presentations. A few of my dishes would show some daring, but I’d finish strong with a classic grilled dog on a bun with kraut and mustard. I’d present it in the traditional style, on a paper plate, next to some ripple cut potato chips and slaw. You’ll have to wait until the show airs to see what my hot dog dessert idea is.
There’s only one conclusion I can draw from the fact that with this notable exception, Iron Chef has tended to choose ingredients like manta ray or hen cheese.
By choosing ingredients that only someone who works in the swankiest kitchens has access to, they are trying to discourage me from competing. I’m no longer afraid to go spatula to spatula with them now that I’ve realized that they’re more afraid of me than I am of them.
I’m issuing a challenge to the producers of Iron Chef. Stop hiding your cooks behind obscure ingredients like poison ivy, latex, and wicker. Bring on some other ingredients like peanut butter, corn on the cob, bacon, or marshmallow. Once you get that done, come find me. I’ll be right here, sharpening my knives and getting ready for my battle with an Iron Chef.
I pity the chef that ends up taking me on in a breakfast cereal battle.