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Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Is Awful. Gee, Who Saw That Coming?

The film, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, has been released. The reviews are what you might call “not good”.

Shocking.

Here’s a trailer for the movie. I love Johnny Cash, but who thought it was a good idea to make Abraham Lincoln sound like him?

Abraham Lincoln

What’s he looking at? I know this much, it ain’t a vampire, Sparky. (Photo credit: paukrus)

Who could have foreseen that this film would be such a disaster? Surely not someone who thinks a book of the policies of his yet to be established administration is a good idea. But, yes, I did. I announced over a year ago that I would not work on this film.

Hollywood, call me. The Policies Of My Administration is a blockbuster waiting to happen.

If you don’t call me, call my friend, Pie. Her idea of Winston Churchill as a werewolf is bound to be the feel good hit of next summer. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat”, doesn’t it?

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22 Comments on “Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Is Awful. Gee, Who Saw That Coming?”

  1. robincoyle says:

    I’m adding a vampire to my novel’s storyline so it is sure to be a best seller.

  2. I shudder to think of the untapped demographics that they might make vampire movies for in order to get, no pun intended, the last drop of blood out of the vampire movie turnip.

    Michael Jackson fans, having had a taste of whats to come from the Thriller video will expect to see MJ Vampire Hunter.

    Elvis–of course.

    Why not the Beatles.

    Beethoven–Deaf Vampire Hunter

    Shakespeare now we know where he got his inspiration

    Gandhi

    Mao

    Jackie O

    Breast feeding Mother vampire hunters

    Stay at home dad vampire hunters

    Old people with catheter vampire hunters

    I think we should get the rights to this franchise and retire!

    • omawarisan says:

      That makes a lot of sense.

      There are so many potential vampire hunters –

      Muhammad Ali

      Reddy Kilowatt

      That old Zip Code guy…

      • I thought Reddy Kilowat was only in Cleveland! But yeah, him, the Zip Code guy and Mr. Peanut could team up and have a vampire, werewolf, zombie extravaganza. And maybe Spiro Agnew would put in a guest appearance in a Professor Van Helsing kind of role. I’m telling you Oma, we’re sitting on a goldmine!

  3. My Odd Family says:

    If it’s summer and your sixteen year boy, it’s a fun movie. Cole explained about the “symbolism” and told me he learned a lot of American History. That’s his story and his is sticking to it. Works for me because I really don’t want him to tell me the real story.

  4. The Jagged Man says:

    Man I am bummed, they took two (real) people I admire and respect and turned them into cotton candy. Dang your eyes Hollywood!
    I am sorry Oma, with their lack of imagination and of taste, there is not much chance they will have the will to make The Policies Of My Administration into a film. Their lose and ours as well.

  5. The Policies of your administration would make much, much, much better movie. I know someone will call you soon.

  6. Laura says:

    It may not be a good movie, but it’s a great title.

  7. Pie says:

    The Policies of My Administration: now that’s a movie title. It makes me think of those heavyweight movies of the 70s which often featured Gene Hackman, Robert Shaw, Robert De Niro or Al Pacino. Faye Dunaway was always the female lead.

    As an addition to the Vampire hunter list, you mustn’t forget Bruce Lee. Or the Dalai Lama.

    • omawarisan says:

      In a world where men roam shirtless in the street and mascots go unregulated, one man fights for what’s right… Or something like that.

      We will need someone much lower key than those guys to play me.

  8. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Writers and producers in Hollywood still have jobs? I thought a computer program was coming up with these ideas. Random movie plot generator programs, you know. I’ve got one right now waiting to launch on the masses. It involves a Boston Terrier. And zombies. And some vampires and a car chase.

  9. dufmanno says:

    Silly people. The only former President equipped to properly dispose of mythical & magical beings was Jimmy Carter.


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