The Polices Of My Administration: No Shirtless MenPosted: June 25, 2012
Summer brings a phenomena that my administration will not tolerate – shirtless men in public view.
The motivation for these men to go naked from the waist up varies. Some do it to control their body temperature. Some, because they believe it projects a tougher image. A growing number do it to show off a tattoo. All these men have one thing in common – they are all misguided.
Let’s look at these men. We’ll take that look figuratively. Literally avoiding seeing them is the point of the policy.
Tattoo guy has invested in body art that he feels good about. He is entitled to do so. Things go awry when feeling good about himself is not enough for him.
A tattoo that no one sees is like having no tattoo at all. When he removes his shirt, tattoo guy solves that problem and feels better about himself. Perhaps he has a cool tribal armband tattoo. Maybe he’s got his name tatted across his back. Off comes the shirt and the world is, in his mind, suitably impressed.
What really happens is the opposite. The world sees his trendy tribal armband, but we know he is not an actual tribesman. He is a tribal poseur. Seeing his name in large script across his back only allows us to put a name to the problem this individual presents. For example, we might read a gentleman’s back and then say “Mr. Boudreaux should put on his shirt.”
Tough shirtless guy is certain that revealing his chest makes him seem virile and desirable to women, while simultaneously intimidating other men.
Fifty percent of the people who I know are women. So, while I do not have direct knowledge of the effect a bare chest has on women, I do think that I have a representative sample from which I can draw a conclusion.
When in the company of these women, I have not seen a shirtless man get a positive reaction except in the cases of the most extremely fit men. Even in those exceptional cases, no woman has ever said to me “let me borrow a pen so I can write my phone number on his abs.”
When I see a “tough” shirtless guy, my reaction is not to give him a wide berth because I feel menaced. I give him a little extra room because I don’t want his back sweat on me.
Now we come to our final group of shirtless men, those who take their shirts off because they are too hot.
I’ve never met a widow who said to me “if Ken had only taken his shirt off while he mulched the garden I’d still have him today”. To be fair, I don’t know anyone who’s dearly departed’s name was Ken. However, if you take the name out of it and change the activity to anything you choose, the truth remains that no one has ever died from wearing a t-shirt.
Additionally, I’d point out to these men that:
- Women manage to thrive in hot weather without taking their blouses off.
- Men’s nipples do not turn into miraculous heat exchangers when exposed to the sun.
And Now, The Policy
Shirtless guy, here is how it is going to be.
You are going to wear a shirt.
You are going to conduct yourself like a gentleman.
Staying properly dressed won’t cause you to collapse from heat stroke.
Your unsolicited displays of skin are not impressing anyone.
Cover it up, brother.