The Polices Of My Administration: No Shirtless Men

Summer brings a phenomena that my administration will not tolerate – shirtless men in public view.

The motivation for these men to go naked from the waist up varies. Some do it to control their body temperature. Some, because they believe it projects a tougher image. A growing number do it to show off a tattoo. All these men have one thing in common – they are all misguided.

Let’s look at these men. We’ll take that look figuratively. Literally avoiding seeing them is the point of the policy.

Tattoo Guy

Tribal tattoo by Keith Killingsworth

Impressive, Bro, really. Now put a shirt on. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tattoo guy has invested in body art that he feels good about. He is entitled to do so. Things go awry when feeling good about himself is not enough for him.

A tattoo that no one sees is like having no tattoo at all. When he removes his shirt, tattoo guy solves that problem and feels better about himself. Perhaps he has a cool tribal armband tattoo. Maybe he’s got his name tatted across his back. Off comes the shirt and the world is, in his mind, suitably impressed.

What really happens is the opposite. The world sees his trendy tribal armband, but we know he is not an actual tribesman. He is a tribal poseur. Seeing his name in large script across his back only allows us to put a name to the problem this individual presents. For example, we might read a gentleman’s back and then say “Mr. Boudreaux should put on his shirt.”

Tough Guy

Tough shirtless guy is certain that revealing his chest makes him seem virile and desirable to women, while simultaneously intimidating other men.

Fifty percent of the people who I know are women. So, while I do not have direct knowledge of the effect a bare chest has on women, I do think that I have a representative sample from which I can draw a conclusion.

When in the company of these women, I have not seen a shirtless man get a positive reaction except in the cases of the most extremely fit men. Even in those exceptional cases, no woman has ever said to me “let me borrow a pen so I can write my phone number on his abs.”

English: Basic pattern of a polo shirt, henley...

Shirts are not killers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I see a “tough” shirtless guy, my reaction is not to give him a wide berth because I feel menaced. I give him a little extra room because I don’t want his back sweat on me.

Hot Guy

Now we come to our final group of shirtless men, those who take their shirts off because they are too hot.

I’ve never met a widow who said to me “if Ken had only taken his shirt off while he mulched the garden I’d still have him today”. To be fair, I don’t know anyone who’s dearly departed’s name was Ken. However, if you take the name out of it and change the activity to anything you choose, the truth remains that no one has ever died from wearing a t-shirt.

Additionally, I’d point out to these men that:

  • Women manage to thrive in hot weather without taking their blouses off.
  • Men’s nipples do not turn into miraculous heat exchangers when exposed to the sun.

And Now, The Policy

Shirtless guy, here is how it is going to be.

You are going to wear a shirt.

You are going to conduct yourself like a gentleman.

Staying properly dressed won’t cause you to collapse from heat stroke.

Your unsolicited displays of skin are not impressing anyone.

Cover it up, brother.


32 Comments on “The Polices Of My Administration: No Shirtless Men”

  1. Betty says:

    An exception MUST be made for David Beckham. Please? Furthermore, your policy should dictate that he wear nothing besides his boxer briefs.

  2. Pie says:

    A brilliant policy, Oma!

    London has its fair share of the shameless shirtless man when the sun (rarely) comes out and it really is a sight to behold. Only once have I seen a shirtless man so beautiful and fit that it quite literally took my breath away. Shirtless man is usually flabby and pale, or lobster red from the sunburn. They take my breath away for different reasons…

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you ma’am!

      They don’t realize that pale reflects, do they?

      Are you ready for a visit from the Jolie? She’s recently returned from the Carribean.

      • Pie says:

        Ooh, yes! She could arrive just in time for the Olympics. Alas I won’t be anywhere near the action, even though it’s fairly close to where I live, so it’ll be TV viewing only I’m afraid. If, on the other hand, I feel brave enough to try and circumnavigate security, I’ll give it a go. She may be accompanied by a couple of friends. One French, the other Japanese. Both plastic/metal.

  3. Lenore Diane says:

    So funny. Recently, the boys were playing baseball in the driveway. Charlie had his shirt off, and I cringed. “I’ve raised a redneck.” I said to myself. I hope the shirtless 6yr old gets a pass in your administration. I promise his shirt will remain on when he gets older.

    In other news, I feared the picture of the tattooed back belonged to you. I was getting ready to unfollow you. Not that I’m judgmental or discriminatory.

  4. Debbie says:

    You’ve addressed a timely topic today, Oma. Now that hot weather is here, it seems that too many men are shedding their shirts like snakes and walking/biking/etc. around bare-chested. I’m glad your administration will ban this (except for beach-wear, ok?) It seems rampant among the pale-colored, flabby, pot-bellied set, as well as the pierced, tattooed, droopy-shorts set — and as a woman, I’ve gotta say, it just ain’t pretty!

  5. I don’t know if this happened to anyone else, but the random ad video that appeared at the end of your post as I was reading had this picture :

    • Oh, rats. Inserting it didn’t work.

      Anyway…once I was wandering around an outdoor festival with a friend who has a Ph.D. in comparative literature. I say that not to impress you with the fact that I have smart friends. I mean smart friends in real life. I have lots of smart friends here.

      Stop interrupting me.

      Her thesis required her knowledge of written Chinese. She would not allow her son to have a henna tattoo because the so-called Chinese philosophies were actually Chinese jibberish. I always wonder about that when I see a tattoo that’s supposed to have some deep spiritual meaning. What if the tattoo artist just made it up?

      It only seems like that’s beside the point. Bottom line: cover up your Chinese jibberish.

      • omawarisan says:

        I’ve always had the theory that those were jibberish,or that the people who had them would be mocked if they ever went to China.

        On the other hand, most people who have them wouldn’t go to China.

        Cover it up!

  6. Thank you for your public service. To me, shirtless is a look that says “I am lonely. Please look at me.”

  7. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    I keep my shirt on for the good of the people. We all need to do our part.

  8. What “moobed” you to establish this policy?

  9. Linda Sand says:

    Actually, keeping your shirt on can make you cooler since it absorbs the sweat which then evaporates providing a swamp cooler effect. How redneck is that? 🙂

    The exception to the rule is when you are actually in the water at the beach or pool. Poolside you still need to wear your shirt, please. No, we don’t care if that keeps you from getting your chest tanned; no one is supposed to see that part of your tan, anyway, except the person who loves you too much to care.

  10. robincoyle says:

    What is your policy on women and shirts?

  11. The Jagged Man says:

    Well said! I am guessing this Policy comes from years of encountering the shiftless….er shirtless of society at their best , no?

  12. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    If I’ve got to break a bead in 90 degree weather, then so should all men. I don’t care how ripped he is. Yes, pit stains aren’t attractive, but there’s antiperspirant for that. Men with back hair should also never wear t-shirts – always something with a sizable collar or a scarf.

  13. We Found Him Captain! says:

    I think men who go shirtless should be issued a citation by the shirt police. They should pay a $50. fine and be compelled to wear those light blue long sleeved coveralls with the gold buckle at the waist for a period of 30 days for the first offense. May I have the position of Shirt Police Commissioner in your administration?

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