The Policies Of My Administration: No Mattresses On Top Of Cars

Man is, by nature, a nomadic creature.

Some of our ancestors moved to follow prey. Some of them moved to where they could gather more nuts and berries. Today we look for better living conditions or to be closer to the ones that we love. Career changes drive many to opt to head for another place. Moving is what we do.

When I take over running the world, I’m going to move somewhere nice. The house won’t be over the top, but the site will be breathtaking.

The other thing that I know is true about my move to greener pastures – I will be in full compliance with my administration’s policy on moving.

They Loaded Up The Truck…

Shows like The Beverly Hillbillies, a single-c...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are many ways for people to get their stuff from their old residence to the new. Companies make a lot of money moving belongings between residents. I’ve given friends pizza and beer to help me move in a rented truck. The Beverly Hillbillies piled all their things on Jed’s old truck and headed off to Beverlyyyyy.

This policy is aimed at the people who insist on following the Hillbillies moving model.

It Is Good To Be Economical

I understand that people want to hang on to their money. Paying someone to box up their belongings and transport them across town is expensive. Loading things into their cars or trucks saves cash.

My administration is in favor of people doing it themselves, of getting help from friends and of sharing beer and pizza with helpful friends.

Yeah, it’s because of people like this. (image via

There is a limit to how much “do it yourself” my administration is going to put up with from movers. That limit is the subject of this policy.

When I take power, it will be illegal to transport a mattress or box spring on top of a car. There will be no exceptions.

I realize that there are some sensible people who strap their bedding securely to their cars before moving it across town. It is, however, dangerous to make any exceptions to this policy. We have all seen people who tie a mattress to the top of their sedan with a single strand of twine. These fools expect the twine to keep their payload in place in the face of the sixty mile per hour headwind generated by their car moving up the road.

Some might ask, “why must we all suffer because of some fools with mattresses and twine?” That is not an unreasonable question. Here is the not unreasonable answer. No one may move a mattress on top of a car because of fools with mattresses and twine AND because there are people who don’t even tie mattresses down – they just try to hold it down with one hand while driving with the other.


When I am in charge, it will be illegal to move a mattress on top of a car or in any vehicle that exposes that mattress to wind resistance. This will make the world a safer place for everyone.

It will also allow entrepreneurial sorts to start mattress moving businesses. Imagine the new jobs that will result! Sure, they are lousy jobs moving stinky, used bedding, but come on, jobs!

I have been nearly hit by flying mattresses far too many times. I am ending it as a problem, before you or I finally get hit.

Safety and jobs, what’s not to like?


25 Comments on “The Policies Of My Administration: No Mattresses On Top Of Cars”

  1. Oh, my gosh! I never understand the folks who are trying to hold the mattress with their hands. My first thought is “Dude, your parents are clearly wasting their money sending you to college. I’m not sure you have what it takes.”

    • omawarisan says:

      The penalty for holding the matress on with your fingers is having thw window rolled up on your fingers.

      Second and further offenses, car door closed on fingers. I am not playing with these people.

  2. I assume your administration would likewise ban throwing cigarettes out the window, especially while participating in a nomadic caravan that includes a mattress-topped car, because you know those folks are traveling together.

    Thank you.

    • omawarisan says:

      My administration would ban that because it is gross and dirty.

      Also, mattress fires stink. You know, I’ve got a lot of stinky memories to get rid of in my next life.

  3. k8edid says:

    I have, sadly, learned from experience that it is best to not break out the pizza and beer for the “help” until the moving job is completed.

    I heartily approve of your administration’s policies. Heartily.

  4. Todd Pack says:

    When strapping mattresses to the tops of cars is illegal, only outlaws will strap mattresses to the tops of cars.

  5. List of X says:

    What would be the position of your administration on strapping a dog to the top of the car? Obviously the dog would not be on the mattress since the mattresses on the car roof would be banned. And also we would not want the dog to get too comfortable up there.

  6. Debbie says:

    I support you totally (unlike those flimsy mattresses strapped to the tops of cars!) I’ve followed one too many cars or trucks trying to haul mattresses and invariably, the things fly off at inopportune times, snarling traffic and angering motorists. Perhaps those morons should be strapped to the roof of a car — to see how the wind resistance feels, you know.

  7. YES! I ran over someone’s mattress once because it flew off their car.

    Me: Huh…that mattress doesn’t look very secure. It looks like its about to take flight. I should change lanes and pass this joker.

    Midlane change it flew off, and I ran over it. Twine-using jerk.

  8. robincoyle says:

    What do you mean “WHEN” you are in charge?

  9. Linda Sand says:

    We strapped our mattress to the top of the pop-up camping trailer we were towing. Had to strap it down because arms weren’t long enough to reach it. Plus, the car worked as a wind break for the mattress. Hey, it got it from central Illinois to Minneapolis, Minnesota, so how bad could it have been? Of course that was back in 1962 when we weren’t traveling on high-speed interstates either.

    Then there was the time we chased down the folks whose suitcase jumped out of their trailer because it wasn’t fastened down. They were speeding, too. Like to never caught up with them.

    • omawarisan says:

      You got the case and then chased them down? You are very kind!

      A wind break is important. We’ve got mattresses on the road because there aren’t enough people like you who get that.

  10. Betty says:

    One can only hope that people who do this will soon be recipients of Darwin Award.

  11. spencercourt says:

    Anyone following a vehicle with a mattress strapped to the top is obviously asking for trouble. I say… give the people what they ask for.

    There is no inconsistency with your policy here. You will prohibit the said transportation of mattresses, which will be grossly ignored as are speed limits, and those behind such vehicles will receive accordingly.

    I own a waterbed. Which means if I were to move, I just drain the mattress, fold it, and put it in my trunk.

  12. Lenore Diane says:

    I am in full agreement with this latest policy. I would also like to add that moving a queen or king sized mattress should be required for all couples (same sex or not) seeking to marry. If they are unable to move the mattress from point A to point B, which includes steps, tight corners, and no air conditioning, without killing each other they will never make it through marriage. (Well, as I type that out, I realize the killing would obviously make the idea of marriage moot. Forget it. I’ll leave the policies up to you.)

  13. tokyo5 says:

    It’s been a number of years since I’ve been in America. I had forgotten about that American “custom” of loading up one’s car to overflowing and driving across the country!

    That’s a sight that isn’t seen in Japan. Here, people hire professional movers when they move…nearly without exception.

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