I Am Working On My Own Evaluation

I do not usually publish on Saturday, but I need your help.

Yesterday, I ended up in the company of one of my supervisors. He’s a decent sort, in fact, I’ll even admit that I like the guy. I’ve known him for years, but we’ve only worked together for a few months.

He came to me and asked when I was working next. I told him that I was working today, because that’s the truth. He asked me to do my yearly performance review and send it to him.

Yes, I am evaluating my own performance for the past year. I think we all know that when I finish writing this thing it will look as if I am responsible for the sun rising every morning. In fact, to get myself in the mood, I’ll say this to you: Welcome to July 28, 2012, brought to you by me.

Yes, clearly I am an exceptional employee. People cried on my days off because they missed me, I haven’t been introduced to most of them yet. Plans are in the works to hire six people to take on my responsibilities when I retire at the end of 2013. Quality of life ratings in the city dropped while I was on vacation and rose by 20% when my plane touched down at the airport.

I need your help. I’d like some outlandish North Korean propaganda quality claims that I can make in this evaluation. The wilder the better.

My newer readers don’t know me as well as some others. Please do not be deterred. The more outrageous the claims of my performance are, the better.

Did I eliminate illiteracy? Perhaps I delivered at least one child each day that I worked, and I’m not even a doctor. Was I responsible for the double rainbow that moved you tears? I am sure that you recall how I fixed the transmission on your car and paid you for the privilege.

George Costanza said “it’s not a lie, if you believe it”. I believe you can help me be the employee of the year. Let me hear from you!


33 Comments on “I Am Working On My Own Evaluation”

  1. Spijder says:

    Perhaps you should youtube some Dos Equiis commercials? For surely you sprang full grown from the space between the Mona Lisa’s smile and The Most Interesting Man In The World’s commanding gaze.

  2. k8edid says:

    “…I have been nominated for the Golden Katydid Award for excellence in film-making…” Nevermind that I haven’t gotten that part of my blog up and running…

    Hell, tell ’em you won the darned thing already.

  3. Todd Pack says:

    You weren’t indicted. That’s gotta count for something!

  4. Wendy says:

    You have written The Great American Novel, one blog at a time, thereby enriching and enlightening countless lives.

    Seriously, though, I had a boss who used to make me review myself. It made me dreadfully uncomfortable.

  5. Rich Crete says:

    You have made me appreciate cinematic nuance again.

  6. Sorry. I got nothin’.

    • That may have sounded a bit harsh. I blame Mercury. To clarify, I am officially on vacation. At 9 p.m. last evening, the few remaining faculties in my brain shut down.

      That said, quite frankly, you think you’re really hovering just around the “Above Average” range on your stick figures. The introduction of color was a nice improvement. You’d like to see a little more effort in that area before you can give yourself a “Superior” in stick-figures.

      Gotta jet…there’s a margarita calling…

      • I’m back:
        • successfully negotiated the release of Katie Holmes
        • used his scuba-diving skills to broker a peace between warring shark gangs off the island of Fiji
        • won the Masters for the fifth consecutive year
        • declined Mitt Romney’s desperate pleas to be VP nominee (sources say Mitt refused to get on board with the shirtless policy)
        • had a starring role or directorial credit in five Super Bowl commercials, performed live at half-time without wardrobe malfunction, AND served as stand-in for Eli Manning
        • every morning in February completed the Big Eats Challenge and Jackalope Jack’s: 5 pounds of pulled pork sliders and french fries, setting a new record time each day
        • helpfully suggested the name Blue Ivy to Jay-Z and Beyonce (at their request)
        • asked Higgs and Boson to leave his name out of it even though he did all the work
        • ran the Marine Corps Marathon, the New York Marathon, and the Boston Marathon in the same day
        • those new sporks in the break room? His idea!

  7. Oma can kick Chuck Norris’s ass with one arm tied to one leg. Blindfolded.

  8. Laura says:

    Is there a section for areas that need improvement? If so, be sure to mention the pennies-at-the-bagel-shop thing.

  9. We Found Him Captain! says:

    Tell your evaluator that you are the originator of the “Chico and the Man” crime series back in the 60’s when you were in the second grade. During the robbery you kept your cool and were able to correctly describe your assailants by name and other identifying features. You have several witnesses to prove that the perpetrator(s) were identified, confronted and confessed within a week.

    As a result of your good conduct and demeanor, the “March of Dimes” program at your school was modified to incorporate additional security and crime prevention measures. No other students have been assaulted since.

    You have been fighting crime since then with a “superior” or higher rate of success.

  10. robincoyle says:

    You leap tall building? No? Catch speeding bullets? No? Run faster than a freight train? No? I’m out of ideas. Oh, oh, oh! Here is one. You love Robin Coyle’s blog. Bingo!

  11. Pie says:

    Your wit is such that Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain would love to be you.

  12. Anita Neuman says:

    Discovered a new constellation and named it after your boss.

  13. pryan51 says:

    I personally focused the power of the sun to power the building, and proximity to my aura uncovered and destroyed several viruses and worms on our server – tracking down and raising the consciousness of their creators so they never do such a thing again. I made all foods in the building no-calorie and super nutritious and filling. All this while I was brilliantly completing all my work and solving my coworkers’ problems and creating millions of jobs worldwide.

  14. Wasn’t it you who invented the internet?
    Go with that. I’ll back you up.

  15. Beat them at their own game. Say that your literary agent has said that due to your imminent retirement, a performance review now might prove too much of a spoiler for your soon to be released memoirs and therefore you must remain silent for now.

  16. I’m pretty sure you were the one who convinced publishers to take a chance on a little book called “Harry Potter.”

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