I Am Working On My Own EvaluationPosted: July 28, 2012
I do not usually publish on Saturday, but I need your help.
Yesterday, I ended up in the company of one of my supervisors. He’s a decent sort, in fact, I’ll even admit that I like the guy. I’ve known him for years, but we’ve only worked together for a few months.
He came to me and asked when I was working next. I told him that I was working today, because that’s the truth. He asked me to do my yearly performance review and send it to him.
Yes, I am evaluating my own performance for the past year. I think we all know that when I finish writing this thing it will look as if I am responsible for the sun rising every morning. In fact, to get myself in the mood, I’ll say this to you: Welcome to July 28, 2012, brought to you by me.
Yes, clearly I am an exceptional employee. People cried on my days off because they missed me, I haven’t been introduced to most of them yet. Plans are in the works to hire six people to take on my responsibilities when I retire at the end of 2013. Quality of life ratings in the city dropped while I was on vacation and rose by 20% when my plane touched down at the airport.
I need your help. I’d like some outlandish North Korean propaganda quality claims that I can make in this evaluation. The wilder the better.
My newer readers don’t know me as well as some others. Please do not be deterred. The more outrageous the claims of my performance are, the better.
Did I eliminate illiteracy? Perhaps I delivered at least one child each day that I worked, and I’m not even a doctor. Was I responsible for the double rainbow that moved you tears? I am sure that you recall how I fixed the transmission on your car and paid you for the privilege.
George Costanza said “it’s not a lie, if you believe it”. I believe you can help me be the employee of the year. Let me hear from you!