Let’s Get Beyond the Headlines, Okay?

Jean Calomeni is an artist and writer (among other things) living in Boise, Idaho. She is also kind enough to put all that aside to write a post for me during Guest Post Week . Look, it is right down there! After you read it, go to Snoring Dog Studio and take in more of her thoughts and painting. Thank you, Jean.

It seems to me that reading headlines is a method the majority of us employ to stay informed. We haven’t the time to read further, and, even if we do, we just look at the photos and view the video. I picked some recent headlines out of Google science news, provided the back story and urge you to get informed. You never know when you might be lucky enough to get called for an appearance on NPR’s “What Do You Know?”

Severe Diet Doesn’t Prolong Life, At Least in Monkeys

Really? We’re still running horrible experiments on animals in this country? Oh, yeah, I forgot—in Wisconsin, they are. Some people would consider Governor Scott Walker a horrible experiment, but I won’t comment on that. I was asked not to by the owner of this blog.

I don’t understand why this study was at all necessary. Scientists would only have had to Google “starving people in [insert country name here]” and an abundance of evidence would indicate, even to a first-grader, that near starvation doesn’t make one capable of participating in Dancing with the Stars, much less living for a long time.

I’ve tried Severe Dieting. I gave up alcohol and chocolate for about a week. I lost sleep, lost my patience, my blood pressure skyrocketed and my neighbor’s cat disappeared. I don’t care if it is an n of 1, that’s enough proof that Severe Dieting is a bad idea. And no one had to spend millions of dollars for that study.

Feed Me! Feed Me!

Want to build a space elevator on Earth? Start with the Moon

That’s too long a ride on an elevator for me. My limit is about 6 floors, ALONE. With other passengers, it’s half a floor. If it were an elevator with glass walls, I’d need at least one Valium for each floor, an eye mask, bedding, lots of food, and an iPod with at least a year’s worth of battery power and music loaded.

And am I missing something? I keep hearing about colonies to Mars, dormitories on Pluto, and now this, an elevator to the moon. I don’t remember getting the memo about the End-of-the-Earth as we know it. Certainly, I’ve had my suspicions, for example, when Jersey Shore became a top-rated show, Kardashian became a verb for self-promotion, and corporations became people.

Oh No. Oh, hell no.

Boy Finds a Bonanza in Whale Vomit

Dumpster diving has its perils for sure, but hanging around, waiting for a whale to vomit? Sounds like a hazardous and very messy, very stinky past-time. While this boy’s friends are at the mall trolling for teenage girls or at home playing gory, mindless video games, he’s down at the beach hoping that a whale with indigestion will barf up some cool finds.

Finding treasures and trinkets while I’m out walking or hiking is a huge bonus to forcing myself outside among nature. I’ve pocketed expensive sunglasses, a Leatherman, a tape measure, earrings, dog toys and money, but never have I lurked in the background waiting for a guy with expensive sunglasses, a construction dude, a woman with faulty earlobes, careless dogs and people, to be separated from their belongings.

And if I’m ever, ever, anywhere near a whale who’s about to vomit, I’ll run like hell.

What a score!

Sugar Found in Space: A Sign of Life?

If sugar has been found in space, can a TCBY be far behind? This news doesn’t bode well for the nutrition fanatics among us. Having tried for years to relegate sugar to the part of the food pyramid not on the pyramid but floating above it, the news of extra-terrestrial sugar probably makes them want to weep.

And is it really a sign of life? Because, if what we read is true, sugar is a killer. Next amazing space discovery: We find a planet populated by obese aliens, lugging around their Big Gulps, all suffering from Type 2 diabetes.

I’ve always assumed that finding carbon on other worlds indicated that other two- or four-legged creatures couldn’t be far behind. I’d never imagine sugar could claim that distinction. If I’m any example, when I get all sugared up, I’m barely alive. I’m sluggish, dense and barely breathing.

And if we’re lucky, we’ll find some wrapped in a bun

Climate change and sexual dysfunction; or how the polar bear lost its wiener

If stories about climate change raising sea levels and destroying your basement or crops shriveling on the vine leading to higher grocery bills doesn’t get you riled up, perhaps this headline might.

For lots of climate change deniers, the news might have to hit very close to home—in fact, right under their tighty-whities—before they’ll get worked up about our planet’s demise. Global climate change scientists have done a miserable job convincing people that this impending disaster is upon us. I’m convinced it’s because they’ve failed to make it personal. So, let’s drive this latest wiener news mainstream. Don’t bury it inside some obscure science blog that no one reads. You tell men that their wieners are going to shrink or fall off because of climate change, and we’ll then, finally, get people’s attention. Only then will our world’s decision makers and leaders, 99% of whom are men with wieners, do something serious about climate change.

Do I really need to say it?


33 Comments on “Let’s Get Beyond the Headlines, Okay?”

  1. The Jagged Man says:

    Huhhh huhh, huhhh huhh you said “wiener.” No if’s and Butts about it, this post rises to the occasion!

  2. Um, excuse me, but I believe you have my expensive sunglasses. . .

  3. Blogdramedy says:

    When I got to Kardashian I almost stopped reading…I made a pledge to myself to never click a link to a story when she “arrived” on the “scene.” Thankfully, “that word” wasn’t a link so I was able to read the rest of your post.

    I like the way your mind bends. 🙂

  4. […] art critic and downright funny owner of the blog, Omawarisan, invited me, among other bloggers, to guest post while he’s out of town on some covert operation. I think he’s sitting in his backyard […]

  5. Complete agreement and several chortles. Thanks.

  6. lbwoodgate says:

    “You tell men that their wieners are going to shrink or fall off because of climate change, and we’ll then, finally, get people’s attention.”

    And here I thought it had something to do with aging alone. Man, this is a double whammy for the male baby boomers. No wonder Viagra and Cialis top the sales list for prescription medicine.

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      Yeah, it’s going to be a strange world post-global warming apocalypse. I don’t think pharmas can figure out how to grow a new one – but, hey, doesn’t mean they won’t try!

  7. 40 is the new 13 says:

    The first thing I thought was, “Wow, you decoded the secret to how we used to make TV news. Read the headline, part of the first paragraph… after which run and do the local version with video.” But then your post got even better and more interesting! I should have learned to read the full articles a long time ago…

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      But who has time anymore? It is sad that we do this. I do it once in a while, but I try hard not to quote the headline unless I read the rest. Of course, if the word Kardashian is in the headline, I go disinfect my eyeballs.

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      Wow – I actually had some journalistic talent in me?! All I wanted to do was to give folks a rest from election news. Maybe I’ll start my own newspaper…

  8. Lenore Diane says:

    I scanned the post looking for videos and pictures … alas it was just about the headlines. I actually had to read the post. What?! Huh?!

    I wonder if severe binging prolongs life. I’ve done the research, but I won’t know if my life was prolonged until I die. I’ll get back to you on that … or not.

    How is an elevator even possible, since the earth is spinning constantly? I will have to explore that idea further. It’s inconceivable!!

    The fact that viagra was covered by insurance faster than many meds for women frustrated me to no end. To say I would be beyond thrilled to find global warming leads to sexual dysfunction is an understatement. Is that wrong?

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      I don’t know about severe binging prolonging life, but when I used to binge on Oreos, I did feel that time stopped at least. I don’t believe the elevator thing is possible and I’m not just scoffing at new technologies like the guy who dismissed the computer as something no one would use. That elevator would cost a fortune! I, for one, will never ever get on one. And, “NO” you aren’t wrong about the sexual dysfunction thing. Nothing gets government and pharmaceutical attention like a threat to little Jackson.

  9. Debbie says:

    An elevator to the moon? Seriously? Who dreamed up that one?

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      Crazy people, I’d say. What happens if the elevator stalls at 40,000 miles? What if you have to go to the bathroom before you get there? Nuts, just nuts.

  10. Sherry says:

    Jean you are on a roll. Please do a weekly headline post. This was lovely, sublime, a perfect break in making chile rellenos (which is damn hard I’m finding out. Don’t even ask hour I’m going to coat those suckers all full of cheese in flour and egg wash and fry em without the whole mess falling into a gooey mess!). Anyway, this was a great diversion before the fall of the chile. Have a good labor day. I’m laboring my ass off in solidarity.

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      Brave you for trying the rellenos! I hope they were tasty! I love doing the headline posts, too. A lot of the time I think I live my life as a headline. I get to make up the body of the article – not a bad thing!

  11. robincoyle says:

    So climate change is the real reason for George Costanza’s shrinkage . . . hmmm.

  12. Hilarious. Your last one about climate change was brilliant. I think there’s hope for us yet!

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      Oh, yeah – get ’em where they’ll notice it the most. You know how men whine and whimper when they have a mere cold — imagine the complaining if the pee pee falls off!

  13. writerdood says:

    I ran across a really skinny dude buying low calorie food at Trader Joe’s this weekend, and was about to mention the news that calorie restriction doesn’t increase longevity in monkeys, but then I noticed he wasn’t very hairy, so I figured he wouldn’t care.

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      A skinny person buying low cal food – that is just all wrong. Like a fish with a bicycle. I’d have to fight the urge not to throw a couple of packs of Twinkies and bags of Doritos into his basket.

  14. okjimm says:

    // I gave up alcohol// I tried that …. once…. and then the bartender chided me and told me to drink up because…”there are poor children in China that have to go to bed sober.” Brought me to my senses.

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