Seven questions James Lipton would ask me if he knew who I was

One of the places I go to maintain the proper amount of snark in my diet is Blogdramedy. She does not disappoint on her blog, or in her contribution to Guest Post Week. Thanks B!

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I say if you show up at an award ceremony wearing the same dress that I have draped over my voluptuous curves, you better have flame-retardant dainties on ’cause I carry a blowtorch in my clutch.

I have top billing in the film that is my life. And if James Lipton would just pick up the phone and call me to book me on his show, Inside the Actors’ Studio, I’d tell him all about it.

You know James. The urban and oh so laid back bon vivant who somehow manages to book the top celebrities and show biz illuminati for his television show. He leads them on a fun-filled reminisce about their rise to fame and fortune and they, when he gives them a chance to get a word in edgewise, pretty much agree with all he has to say. The show ends with James inviting some of the acting students to ask questions of the guest and then he gets down and dirty with seven questions that are very predictable but who doesn’t want to know Meryl Streep’s favorite curse word? I know I was hanging over the edge of my ottoman waiting for the answer.

It’s all a bit of a love-fest fiesta and I want me some of that. Now if he’d only have his people call my people…

In the meantime, to prepare for when that call comes, I thought I’d share with you my philosophy on life. Along with the answers to all James’ questions.

Brief detour.

Did you know that James used to write for the soaps? This guy wrote for some prime afternoon shows like Another World and Guiding Light. I was never much of a soaps girl but I do remember something about Susan Lucci from All My Children getting the most nominations for the Daytime Emmys. I think the total was 21. She got the nod once. She’s plucky, I’ll give her that. I think I would have found another creative outlet by the time I hit…oh, I don’t know. Five? Six? An even dozen?

She’s now writing her autobiography, All My Life. Isn’t that a unique title. Wonder where she got the idea? (Oops. Sorry. Bit of snark crept in there while I wasn’t paying attention.)

Okay. detour ended. I’m in the chair. Ice water is poured. Is the camera on? Here we go.

I have a philosophy. Want to know my philosophy?

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

As a philosophy goes, this is not as bad as some and better than most. And when it comes in a package like this…well. So as you continue reading, picture me in this dress…wearing sunglasses and with a chilled martini glass in hand.

1. What sound do you love?

Whoa, James. Starting out with the tough love question! Wow…there are so many sounds I love. If you asked people who know me best, they’d say it’s the sound of my own voice. But…buzzzz! Wrong answer…which come to think of it means my people don’t know my person very well.

(pause to chew on that one for a moment)

I mean my voice is nice and everything but is that the sound I love most? Let me ponder.

(slightly longer pause)

Okay. They’re kinda right. So let me think of something inanimate.

I got one. Champagne cork. I mean, what’s not to love? You got a cork popping it means there’s something to celebrate. Weddings, babies, getting fired from a really lousy job. All good things to celebrate. Plus, drinking Champagne is like drinking giggles. And it tickles going down.

2. What sound do you hate?

You know the sound a car makes when someone who doesn’t know how to drive a manual transmission tries to drive a manual transmission? That grinding noise just before the engine quits with a shudder and a shake? It’s the sound of the engine begging and pleading for mercy. I hate that sound. It’s like death to me. I learned to drive on a stick shift. My fondest memory of those early days of me and my little red Mustang hatchback is when my best friend told me I drive like a seventeen-year-old Italian boy. I took it as a huge compliment. Still do.

3. What is your favorite word?

Splendiferous. I once had a boss (a former English teacher) who accused me of making up this word when I used it in a client presentation. The pleasure I took in whipping out a dictionary, flipping the pages and pointing was almost criminal. It was a very good day.

4. What is your least favorite word?

Nouns that get morphed into verbs by the use of a straight jacket and a hammer. The word dialogue comes to mind. How’s that word usage for an audience of aspiring actors? When people say “let’s dialogue” when what they really mean is talk…it drives me completely insane!

5. What is your favorite curse word?

Well…actually I have two that I interchange depending on the severity of the infraction. One is a British slang term for a part of the male anatomy. Usually of the beast variety. Can I say this on television? Okay…bollucks.

The other one? I can’t say it out loud. There may be Moms watching.

6. What turns you on?

Oh, this is so easy. And a bit personal, James. I’m not sure we know each other well enough to be sharing secrets like this.

However, if it helps fellow thespians I’ll spill. What turns me on is the same thing that turns every blogger on…being mistaken for a really popular, award-winning blogger only with better hair and a proper grasp of the English language. Oh! Oh! I heard those gasps. Please! Can’t people take a joke? This is why we bloggers need a sarcasm font.

7. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

It’s been a bumper year. You’ll have to bunk with Karl Urban.

We’re gonna have a good time tonight. It’s alright. Everyyy-one a-rrrround the world, come on! It’s a celebration! (Sorry, Madonna.)

See? I would so totally rock that interview. Mine would be the tape they’d use to show future celebs and up-and-comings stars and starlets how it’s done. I can see the promos now!

Wait a second. Did you hear that? I think it’s my phone…

I hope you got a giggle out of this one. I had a blast writing it, and having it appear on Omawarisan’s blog, Blurt, was a dream come true.

Thanks, Oma! You will soon be a member of Blogdramedy’s Blogs of Other Bloggers alumni. (I didn’t use my usual acronym because your Mom reads this blog. *grin*)


24 Comments on “Seven questions James Lipton would ask me if he knew who I was”

  1. I don’t have cable, so I have never heard of this guy. My life feels so empty now. Since you’re the only interview with him I’ve ever experienced, pretend or otherwise, I am in awe of your fame and stuff. I like bollucks, too. It’s an under appreciated exclamation.

    • Blogdramedy says:

      I used to have cable and now that I’m living AC (After Cable) I can’t say I miss it much. Except for when I get booked for interviews like this. So if James ever does call, I’ll have to come over to Oma’s to watch. 🙂

  2. […] of Blurt fame asked me if I’d man the barricades help blogsit while he was off doing his serve & […]

  3. When I saw the title, I wanted to skip right to #5 to see how you were going to pull that off in a family-friendly way. Not only did you do that, you managed to work Karl Urban into your post. Well done! I’ll bet you’re not drinking ice water, though. ::insert blogger sarcasm font::

    • Blogdramedy says:

      I think I kept it clean enough for Oma. It was a serious challenge but no one needs to upset anyone’s Mom. 🙂

      Karl travels with me everywhere. It’s a hardship. *sigh* *grin* And well done you for deducing that I was sipping on vodka. And here I thought Stoli has no smell… 😉

  4. So freakin’ great. And I think I’ll use Marilyn’s quote with hubby the next time we are quarreling. You are truly splendiferous.

  5. omawarisan says:

    Writing here was a dream come true? I don’t think you’re getting enough REM sleep!

    Thank you so much for helping out this week!

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*
    Renee beat me to the punch … This is a splendiferous post, BD.
    *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*

  7. shoutabyss says:

    I love blogs that dialogue directly with the reader. And imagining you in that dress is one of my favorite sounds. Curse you, Lipton!

  8. kimpugliano says:

    Dude. I’m heading over to your joint right now. Please please don’t let me down. Please have stuff just as good as this. And please tell me the word. I’m a mom. I’m 41 years old. I probably used it yesterday. On my own kid. Okay not on my kid but on a stupid person driving/walking/on tv. Just whisper it to me. Email me I don’t think I could focus on my day of…well…nothing, it’s my day off…okay napping if I didn’t know the word. I’m so stressed out now. (sigh)

  9. Blogdramedy says:

    The doors open…come on in. It’s kind of messy and sarcasm has free rein but the drinks are always free. I think you can come up with the word all on your own. You’re a mother and someone did the nasty with you to get those kids so… *wicked grin*

  10. Debbie says:

    Oma chose well in selecting you to guest post!

    • Blogdramedy says:

      Thank you!

      When it came to today’s guest post, he put names into a hat and selected one. What he didn’t know is that yesterday’s blogsitter left me the back door key and I kind of skewed things my way. 😉

  11. The Jagged Man says:

    Why do they always have seven questions? Why not three, eleven or six ? Loved the post but one other thing: Can you shift gears without using the clutch? Now that would be the only thing cooler the you “drive like a seventeen-year-old Italian boy”!

    • Blogdramedy says:

      I like odd numbers so I was cool with the seven questions.

      Then I guess I’m cooler because…yes, I can shift gears without using the clutch. I enjoyed some interesting teen years. *grin*

  12. Very well done! Loved the questions, they seemed perfect for you. I imagine you considering your bunk mate in heaven carefully, for half a minute.

  13. […] man of many faces and he’s my bosom buddy. He’s been a guest here on Blogdramedy and I recently set up house in his hood…just to help keep down the criminal element. Used without […]

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