I’ll Just Have to Try and Make DoPosted: September 8, 2012
Laura ventured into the back room of Blurt to help keep Guest Blog Week going with this post. As everyone who has guest posted this week has seen, there are things back there that are hard to explain. Things like why so many people find my blog while searching for nude pictures of Flo from Progressive insurance.
Speaking of explanation, stop by Unlikely Explanations for more Laura.
Guest-blogging is hard.
At home, I’ve settled into a comfortable writing routine. I stroll into the Unlikely Explanations blogging parlour, pour myself a glass of red wine, set it on the table next to the vase of freshly cut flowers, pick up a stack of blank perfumed stationery and my BIC Crystal For Her Ball Pen, sit down on the fainting couch, and write my first draft. Before I know it, I’ve got a few decent paragraphs about some food I like, or a popular romance novel, or my cats.
Things are completely different here at the Blurt Blogging Cave. There’s no wine, just a cooler full of beer. Instead of flowers, there are auto parts, tools, and sports equipment everywhere. And there’s no perfumed stationery or fancy lady pens; I have to make do with lined notebook paper and one of those really heavy, unwieldy regular pens.
I feel like I’ve spent my entire day struggling with products that were designed for men. This morning, I cut myself — well, technically, my cat stabbed me — and as I struggled to stem the tide of blood gushing from my vein, I started to wonder why there isn’t a “Band-Aid for Women” product line with useful features like these:
- Smaller size, perfect for cuts made by manicure scissors or sewing needles.
- Comes in an assortment of colors that coordinate with any outfit or nail polish shade.
- Rosewater or lavender scent.
Another product that could really use a ladies’ version is contact lens solution. I don’t wear contact lenses — it turns out they only work if you put them in your eyes, which sounds kind of horrifying — but I might change my mind if I could find a contact lens solution with these features:
- Carefully balanced for a woman’s eye chemistry.
- Petite bottle shaped to fit a woman’s hand.
- Delicate floral scent leaves your eyes smelling great all day.
And then there’s my alarm clock. What I really want is one with a combination snooze button / time machine that lets you get a few extra hours of sleep in the morning. It should also make coffee and feed the cats (but it shouldn’t feed coffee to the cats). An alarm clock marketed to women probably wouldn’t have those features; it would work like this instead:
- A soothing voice wakes you and conveys all the news you need to get ready for the day, starting with a hair-oriented weather report: 80% humidity today, so expect moderate-to-severe frizz!
- The voice goes on to explain the latest “say something cryptic on Facebook to somehow cure breast cancer” meme.
- To encourage you to get up, the voice becomes progressively less soothing and the news more alarming each time you hit the snooze button.
- If you’re still not out of bed after an hour, it just plays screaming baby noises.
- And of course it’s pink, for extra breast cancer awareness.
Getting through the day without any of these products is exhausting. I need to go drink some red wine and lie down on my fainting couch. If only I could figure out how the corkscrew works.