I’ll Just Have to Try and Make Do

Laura ventured into the back room of Blurt to help keep Guest Blog Week going with this post. As everyone who has guest posted this week has seen, there are things back there that are hard to explain. Things like why so many people find my blog while searching for nude pictures of  Flo from Progressive insurance.

Speaking of explanation, stop by Unlikely Explanations for more Laura.

Guest-blogging is hard.

At home, I’ve settled into a comfortable writing routine. I stroll into the Unlikely Explanations blogging parlour, pour myself a glass of red wine, set it on the table next to the vase of freshly cut flowers, pick up a stack of blank perfumed stationery and my BIC Crystal For Her Ball Pen, sit down on the fainting couch, and write my first draft. Before I know it, I’ve got a few decent paragraphs about some food I like, or a popular romance novel, or my cats.

Things are completely different here at the Blurt Blogging Cave. There’s no wine, just a cooler full of beer. Instead of flowers, there are auto parts, tools, and sports equipment everywhere. And there’s no perfumed stationery or fancy lady pens; I have to make do with lined notebook paper and one of those really heavy, unwieldy regular pens.

I feel like I’ve spent my entire day struggling with products that were designed for men. This morning, I cut myself — well, technically, my cat stabbed me — and as I struggled to stem the tide of blood gushing from my vein, I started to wonder why there isn’t a “Band-Aid for Women” product line with useful features like these:

  • Smaller size, perfect for cuts made by manicure scissors or sewing needles.
  • Comes in an assortment of colors that coordinate with any outfit or nail polish shade.
  • Rosewater or lavender scent.

Another product that could really use a ladies’ version is contact lens solution. I don’t wear contact lenses — it turns out they only work if you put them in your eyes, which sounds kind of horrifying — but I might change my mind if I could find a contact lens solution with these features:

  • Carefully balanced for a woman’s eye chemistry.
  • Petite bottle shaped to fit a woman’s hand.
  • Delicate floral scent leaves your eyes smelling great all day.

And then there’s my alarm clock. What I really want is one with a combination snooze button / time machine that lets you get a few extra hours of sleep in the morning. It should also make coffee and feed the cats (but it shouldn’t feed coffee to the cats). An alarm clock marketed to women probably wouldn’t have those features; it would work like this instead:

  • A soothing voice wakes you and conveys all the news you need to get ready for the day, starting with a hair-oriented weather report: 80% humidity today, so expect moderate-to-severe frizz!
  • The voice goes on to explain the latest “say something cryptic on Facebook to somehow cure breast cancer” meme.
  • To encourage you to get up, the voice becomes progressively less soothing and the news more alarming each time you hit the snooze button.
  • If you’re still not out of bed after an hour, it just plays screaming baby noises.
  • And of course it’s pink, for extra breast cancer awareness.

Getting through the day without any of these products is exhausting. I need to go drink some red wine and lie down on my fainting couch. If only I could figure out how the corkscrew works.


23 Comments on “I’ll Just Have to Try and Make Do”

  1. […] have a guest post at Blurt today — go check it out! Blurt has been running guest posts all week, so the last few posts […]

  2. k8edid says:

    One of my nursing students was just talking about this sort of thing the other day. Not only is she dainty/tiny, but she is left handed. She said everything in the world feels made for giant right-handed people. I guess she will just have to make do…

    And why do we say “make do”?

  3. Thank you for this most eloquent expression of the universal longings of women, especially the floral scented eyeballs. I hope Blogher is reading.

  4. My new cryptic Facebook response will here forward be “I like it on the fainting couch.” And then I need to get a fainting couch. I am prone to swoons when coupons come in the mail.

    • Laura says:

      Be sure to have a friend around to spot you the first few times you swoon onto the fainting couch. There’s a certain amount of skill involved in fainting in just the right direction.

  5. The Jagged Man says:

    You had me at cats and lost me at screaming babies but awesome post none the less! Just one question: How can one know if they have an eyeball odor problem?

    • Laura says:

      It’s a really sensitive topic, so no one’s going to come right out and tell you. But you can learn a lot from body language. Do people tend to point their noses away from your eyeballs when talking to you? If so, you may have a problem.

      • The Jagged Man says:

        I am relieved because I thought they just didn’t like me. Since I am about five foot nothing I tend to see eyeball to nose on most people.

  6. Debbie says:

    Ladies-sized Band-Aids? Wonder why no one has come up with that?? Surely there’s a sizable market for them!

    • Laura says:

      You know what else is crazy? They make pink Kleenex, but they’re the same size as the regular kind — they don’t make them smaller to fit our dainty lady-noses.

  7. Blogdramedy says:

    You made do just fine! I’m sure you’ve given Oma something to think about for the next time he asks a woman blogger to blogsit. Like things petite and oh, so neat. 🙂

    • Laura says:

      In Oma’s defense, though, he is an equal-opportunity bloghost. I happened to see some personnel files that, um, accidentally fell out of a file cabinet, and I can confirm that male and female blogsitters are getting equal pay.

  8. emmycooks says:

    This little post has such a lovely floral scent.

  9. “Comes in an assortment of colors that coordinate with any outfit or nail polish shade.”—I recently bought Tinkerbell Band-Aids for exactly this reason.

    And on the corkscrew thing, whenever people come over, I always ask, “Can I get you some wine?” When they say yes, I hand the bottle and corkscrew to Kiefer.

  10. Safety first, Laura – pen-related injuries are no laughing matter!
    Stay properly hydrated, don’t forget to do some stretching first, and please, please… lift with your legs, NOT with your back!

  11. So that’s why the contact lenses I’ve been carrying in my pocket haven’t helped.

    • Laura says:

      Pro tip: before you stick them in your eyes, take a moment to check that what you’ve taken out of your pocket is your contact lenses and not your car keys.

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