Dear CanadaPosted: September 28, 2012
We are friends, you and I, right? Sure, you’re a justifiably proud nation and I am just some guy in the U.S.. You don’t know I exist and I can’t help or hurt you in any way.
I consider us friends. We’re certainly not enemies. We don’t stir things up about each other, we don’t fight. I can sing your anthem. It isn’t a problem that you can’t sing a song about me. There aren’t many of them out there, so I won’t hold it against you.
Remember that time I pretended to be from you? No one could believe I got away with it, especially me. Get away with it, I did, Canada. Getting away with it tells me something, we’re good together. We’re different from one another, but we’re good. So good, that I’m just going to come out and ask you to do something for me.
Come get your geese. Yes, the Canada Geese, come get them. Every one of them.
I love practical jokes. Practical jokes involving nature are especially good. I once lured hundreds of Japanese beetles into someones car, that was so great. Some day I’ll tell you how to do it. Today is not that day. Today we’re talking about your well executed practical joke.
My stunt involved hundreds of bugs. Yours is so much better and on such a grand scale. Millions of giant, aggressive geese everywhere we turn. If we happen to find a part of the U.S. that doesn’t have a Canada Goose on it, there is almost certainly goose poop left from the last time the flock stopped by that spot.
Oh god, the poop. Do you have any idea how long that stuff lasts? Of course you do, that’s part of the joke! If there were an Olympic medal for practical jokes, you’d be on the top platform singing Oh Canada with gold hanging around your neck. I respect your work.
Unfortunately, the joke has gone beyond being funny.
Now, when I say it isn’t funny, I’m not even bringing up the time your geese brought down that airliner in New York. We probably agree that was scary and that there’s no way you could have foreseen your feathered poop machines would do that. It all worked out in the end.
But – the first few years, funny. Now, not funny. It seems like this joke will never end. It is unavoidable. Don’t get me wrong, sending Celine Dion down here was pretty funny too. Funny, but we can avoid her by changing radio stations. Also she doesn’t just squat and drop a deuce anywhere she wants. We can’t escape the geese or their poo. Please come get them.
We’ll clean up the poop, just come get your geese. Don’t make me come up there and put balloons on all your tailpipes. Come get the geese.
It is the right thing to do.
Love you all,
I have reliable information that a certain Blurt reader and fellow blogger had a big part in sending geese across the Canadian border to visit the U.S.. I am giving her a pass on this offense because she featured Blurt as one of her Blogs Of Other Bloggers (BOOBS).
A lot of people already think I am a boob, but it is nice to have it in writing. Stop up and see her sometimes.