Dear Canada
Posted: September 28, 2012 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: Canada, Canada Goose, Celine Dion, comedy, humor, postaweek, practical jokes 44 Comments
Love ya, mean it. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Dear Canada,
We are friends, you and I, right? Sure, you’re a justifiably proud nation and I am just some guy in the U.S.. You don’t know I exist and I can’t help or hurt you in any way.
I consider us friends. We’re certainly not enemies. We don’t stir things up about each other, we don’t fight. I can sing your anthem. It isn’t a problem that you can’t sing a song about me. There aren’t many of them out there, so I won’t hold it against you.
Remember that time I pretended to be from you? No one could believe I got away with it, especially me. Get away with it, I did, Canada. Getting away with it tells me something, we’re good together. We’re different from one another, but we’re good. So good, that I’m just going to come out and ask you to do something for me.
Look, they’re making more. That’s not funny. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Come get your geese. Yes, the Canada Geese, come get them. Every one of them.
I love practical jokes. Practical jokes involving nature are especially good. I once lured hundreds of Japanese beetles into someones car, that was so great. Some day I’ll tell you how to do it. Today is not that day. Today we’re talking about your well executed practical joke.
My stunt involved hundreds of bugs. Yours is so much better and on such a grand scale. Millions of giant, aggressive geese everywhere we turn. If we happen to find a part of the U.S. that doesn’t have a Canada Goose on it, there is almost certainly goose poop left from the last time the flock stopped by that spot.
Oh god, the poop. Do you have any idea how long that stuff lasts? Of course you do, that’s part of the joke! If there were an Olympic medal for practical jokes, you’d be on the top platform singing Oh Canada with gold hanging around your neck. I respect your work.
Ha ha ha ha, I get it! Come get your geese. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Unfortunately, the joke has gone beyond being funny.
Now, when I say it isn’t funny, I’m not even bringing up the time your geese brought down that airliner in New York. We probably agree that was scary and that there’s no way you could have foreseen your feathered poop machines would do that. It all worked out in the end.
But – the first few years, funny. Now, not funny. It seems like this joke will never end. It is unavoidable. Don’t get me wrong, sending Celine Dion down here was pretty funny too. Funny, but we can avoid her by changing radio stations. Also she doesn’t just squat and drop a deuce anywhere she wants. We can’t escape the geese or their poo. Please come get them.
We’ll clean up the poop, just come get your geese. Don’t make me come up there and put balloons on all your tailpipes. Come get the geese.
It is the right thing to do.
Love you all,
Oma
I have reliable information that a certain Blurt reader and fellow blogger had a big part in sending geese across the Canadian border to visit the U.S.. I am giving her a pass on this offense because she featured Blurt as one of her Blogs Of Other Bloggers (BOOBS).
A lot of people already think I am a boob, but it is nice to have it in writing. Stop up and see her sometimes.
Blurt 
As a Canadian I can tell you that we don’t want them either…Someone else played a joke on us when they gave them that name, it should have been flying rats
Hmmm. I wonder who we can pass the joke on to? Maybe Colombia?
sounds good to me…just keep them moving.
Now, that’s funny!
Thank you very much, and welcome!
I am once again glad I was not drinking milk when reading your words of wisdom. Because if I were I am sure I it would have shot out my nose! Well done and in the words of a couple of the worlds biggest boobs “Huh huh huh huh, He said poop”.
Huh. Huh huh. Poop.
These supposedly Canadian geese don’t behave as Canadians at all. I bet if you ask them for Canadian passports or birth certificates, none of these fraudster geese could produce it.
They don’t! I’ve never seen a Canadian relieve themselves in a park. I don’t think so anyhow.
You think that’s bad. You live in the part of the country where I do where hundreds of species pass through on their migratory paths from Canada to Mexico each year, you taklin’ ’bout a lot a bird shit.
I hear tell that a speckled color car design is in the works for this region so that it will allow all the bird poop your car gets hit with not to be so noticeable.
So they’re going with a sort of bird camo thing?
There is a small pond adjacent to a grocery store on a fairly busy strip-mall type stretch of road. Naturally, it has attracted dozens of the aggressive poop-machines. During the busiest travel times of the day, packs of them (or is this where the word gaggle applies?) will line up and leisurely cross the road backing up traffic for a mile. It’s such a common problem that signs are posted informing drivers that it’s illegal to hit them (really? there should be a prize for it.) But from time to time, a driver will snap out with impatience and mow through the line.
I think that is a top notch application of gaggle.
At one time I heard they were a protected species. I think it made them cocky.
I grew up in Rockland County New York where you couldn’t swing a cat without hitting a family of aggressive, entitled Canadian Geese. While that whole case scenario may seem like a heinous act of animal abuse, it pales in comparison to the thousands of miles I ran in my childhood while one of those disgruntled birds chased me.
Now I live in Washington DC, and I’m happy to report that I have yet to encounter one of these pests.
I’m wondering if the sharpshooters on the roof of the White House have orders to aim and fire when they see them flying in formation:)
What? They aren’t in DC? Another reason it’s just a great area
We don’t want them back! But if all of the offended Americans would opt to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving (in addition to your regularly-scheduled Thanksgiving, of course), and each family snagged one goose for dinner, the problem would quickly be solved. What an awesome new tradition that would be: Canada goose for Canada’s Thanksgiving. Do it!
Not a bad idea. Eventually they’d figure out what we’re doing and decide to leave. They’re bright, I’m sure. They come from a country with top notch schools.
Wait, why the hell are they raising kids here?
Oh, don’t even get me started!! When I lived in Minnesota, I blamed Canada for our cold weather but that’s nothing compared to the GEESE problem. You Canadians come down here and clean up the poop, too, cuz my dogs will eat it if you don’t! Damn your hides!
I’m cool with us just getting rid of the poop because I respect the joke so much. I mean they live everywhere except dc, they’re aggressive, they’re making more AND they are all in gastric distress! The joke just kept unfolding. I love them for coming up with it, but enough!
If they don’t want them back, maybe they can fashion some diapers or something. There are a few (thousand) that hang out where I used to enjoy a nice walk. Those birds are evil.
Diapers! Embarrass them until they pack up and move on.
I’m amending my BOOBS! post on you to include the term: “Honk if you love Oma then drive out of town!” That should distract the geese and led them astray. You’re welcome. 🙂
“Led them astray.” That will teach me to comment on Blurt before my morning espresso. Obviously, I meant to write “lead them astray.” Or “get them killed.” You pick.
Thanks for agreeing to help. I’m open to getting the killed or just leading astray.
No one does a joke better than this one. But if they don’t leave soon I’m shipping every slug in the US north.
I don’t know what you are talking about. I have never seen them before in my life. I will apologize on behalf of my country for both Celine Dion and Justin Bieber however, we have a strict no return policy.
And I have to say that it all hasn’t been practical jokes like Bieber, Dion and geese.
I mean Kids In The Hall, you sent them and took them back.
That was a mistake. We never meant to send them.
You know, France gave us a statue. Would it have killed you to let us keep them?
Priceless!
Thank you. Sorry it took a while to answer, I found you in spam. Sorry, I know it was kind of slimy in there.
That’s happened before! I might get a complex!
We’ve got ’em here, too. Fortunately, to date they’re hanging around bodies of water (although, with the drought and all, those are becoming scarce). Maybe that’s why you’ve got so many — they’re geese from Illinois, not Canada. Hmmm, just don’t send ’em back, okay?!
We’re going to need to rehydrate you, they’re killing us here.
Hilarious prank. Then the US retaliated with the all Kardashian TV network.
Good point.
Perhaps we’re dirtying their airwaves like the geese are soiling our parks.
I’m Canadian and I’m completely terrified of geese. Is that unpatriotic? Seriously, if you get too close and invade their territory or whatever, they hiss at you. I heard that if you don’t run away after they hiss, then they bite you in the butt.
So good luck with that.
That happened to the secretary at my office.
In defense of your geese, she’d heard that they were afraid of shiny things and she undertook a mission to stick something shiny in the middle of a nest in our parking lot. Not really a good choice on her part.
Geese – 1 Secretary – 0
If I was a goose, I would totally bite her too. She seems like a crap disturber
We tried to warn her to stay away.
My partner at the office saw it happen. He was laughing so hard when he called to tell me that he was gasping for air. I thought he was having some sort of attack.
Canadian geese a least look nice, unlike Muscovy ducks! Exterminate those Bolshevik commies!
But the nice only goes skin deep, or feather deep.
I hate birds…especially geese. I don’t like the honking.
The honking is almost as bad as the poop. It would be worse, but you can’t step in honk.
[…] written of Canada’s big joke on the United States – sending their geese across our border. More recently, I documented an incident where I nearly hit a mallard duck with my […]