I Spoke To Your Cat. It’s Not Good News.

Well, I got in touch with your cat.

Contact lens

Contact lens. Part of the plan. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You found my blog by searching “why does my cat like to drink contact lens solution?” I don’t know why that question landed you here. It concerns me more that you didn’t go to your cat with that question.

Well, as it happens, I have some experience in this area. I’ve never owned a cat, but I have visited people who do. Back in the eighties, I wore contacts for about two weeks. Those contacts required solution. Because I am familiar with the solution, I know that some of what your cat said is true.

The cat didn’t want to talk to me when I called. I established a rapport with him by complimenting him. I told him that he was the only cat I knew who could squeeze a bottle of contact solution into his mouth. Flattery got me everywhere with your cat.

Ball-and-stick model of the thiomersal molecul...

Thiomersal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The plan is pretty twisted, but your cat, Mr. Mittens, likes to drink contact lens solution because it contains the antiseptic/preservative thiomersal. He wants the mercury in that preservative. The natural question at this point is “why does my cat want mercury”. You may have a different question in mind. I didn’t get that question answered.

He’s drinking contact lens solution to get the mercury from the thiomersal to get larger. Larger? Yes. Mr. Mittens plans to fill his body with mercury and wait. He’ll wait until the summer. The temperature will rise…70…80…90 degrees, maybe more. The mercury expands as the temperature rises. When that happens, you’ll have a really big cat on your hands. That’s what he expects anyhow.

Why does he want to be so big?

I’m sorry to he the one to give you this news. If you didn’t want it from me, perhaps you shouldn’t have asked. Since you did, I’m going to lay it out for you.

Mr. Mittens wants to kill you.

His plan is to expand to 12 times his normal size by July, when the temperatures will make the mercury (and him) expand. Then, he will do you in.

You know what you did to deserve this. If you don’t, I’ll tell you that Mr. Mittens feels certain that you do know. You might want to ask around about that. Asking your cat might come across as insensitive since he’s sure you’re already aware.

Good luck on resolving this matter. Until you do, perhaps you should wear your glasses.

24 Comments on “I Spoke To Your Cat. It’s Not Good News.”

  1. I really want too Google “why would someone give a cat access to contact lens solution.” But I’m afraid of what might happen.

  2. Wendy says:

    I have long known that cats are mercurial creatures. I just didn’t know why. This also explains why they are so fond of eating fish.
    I had actually noticed that cats are natural thermometers. (Hot = cat stretched waaay out, Cold = cat curled up in a ball.) It all begins to make sense….

  3. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Good one, Wendy! Cats. I have no use for them and I sure wouldn’t go to sleep with one in the room. However, if I ever need an outdoors thermometer…

  4. Todd says:

    See, a lot of people will think you’re kidding, but I know you’re not. Mr. Mittens, and, indeed, all cats, want to kill us. It’s what they do. You know the old wives’ tale about cats sucking the breath out of babies? There’s a lot of truth to that. Cats are evil.

  5. Betty says:

    Once again validation of my belief that cats are the devil’s spies.

  6. It actually comes as no surprise that my cats want to kill me. They think that’s the only way they’ll get the house.

  7. Debbie says:

    Having never liked cats, I can fully appreciate what you’re saying here. I mean, what other species feels a need to hunt and kill just for the sport of it, when they have plenty of free food right at home? Yes, I can see Mr. Mittens engorging himself on mercury so he can kill his owners!

  8. Michelle Gillies says:

    This is why I do not have a cat.

  9. We Found Him Captain! says:

    I was a good friend to a cat named “Larry.” He ran away one day in 1982 while we were discussing a name change. When I insisted that his name would always be “LARRY” to me, he jumped up and took off. He never came back.

  10. Blogdramedy says:

    Then with the pollution in the ocean, you’d think he’d just eat more fish. 😉

  11. Maybe the cat has dry eye, like in those commercials we see all the time.

  12. Thank goodness, my cat is not like Mr. Mittens. Sounds like a good enough reason to get Lasik.

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