I Spoke To Your Cat. It’s Not Good News.Posted: October 24, 2012
Well, I got in touch with your cat.
You found my blog by searching “why does my cat like to drink contact lens solution?” I don’t know why that question landed you here. It concerns me more that you didn’t go to your cat with that question.
Well, as it happens, I have some experience in this area. I’ve never owned a cat, but I have visited people who do. Back in the eighties, I wore contacts for about two weeks. Those contacts required solution. Because I am familiar with the solution, I know that some of what your cat said is true.
The cat didn’t want to talk to me when I called. I established a rapport with him by complimenting him. I told him that he was the only cat I knew who could squeeze a bottle of contact solution into his mouth. Flattery got me everywhere with your cat.
The plan is pretty twisted, but your cat, Mr. Mittens, likes to drink contact lens solution because it contains the antiseptic/preservative thiomersal. He wants the mercury in that preservative. The natural question at this point is “why does my cat want mercury”. You may have a different question in mind. I didn’t get that question answered.
He’s drinking contact lens solution to get the mercury from the thiomersal to get larger. Larger? Yes. Mr. Mittens plans to fill his body with mercury and wait. He’ll wait until the summer. The temperature will rise…70…80…90 degrees, maybe more. The mercury expands as the temperature rises. When that happens, you’ll have a really big cat on your hands. That’s what he expects anyhow.
Why does he want to be so big?
I’m sorry to he the one to give you this news. If you didn’t want it from me, perhaps you shouldn’t have asked. Since you did, I’m going to lay it out for you.
Mr. Mittens wants to kill you.
His plan is to expand to 12 times his normal size by July, when the temperatures will make the mercury (and him) expand. Then, he will do you in.
You know what you did to deserve this. If you don’t, I’ll tell you that Mr. Mittens feels certain that you do know. You might want to ask around about that. Asking your cat might come across as insensitive since he’s sure you’re already aware.
Good luck on resolving this matter. Until you do, perhaps you should wear your glasses.