An Interview With The Man Eating Tree Of MadagascarPosted: November 14, 2012
It has been a long time since I posted an interview with a legendary creature. When I realized that, I called the Director Of The Office Of Interview Services here at the spacious Blurt World Headquarters. I was a little surprised at the attitude he took with me when I called.
“Look, if you want me booking interviews for you, you’re going to have to get someone else to do your laundry.”
At that moment, I realized something very important. If you hire someone and give them a fancy title, they get all fussy and too good to do the things you need them to do, like laundry. My next step became clear to me.
I called my Director of Human Resources and told her that from now on, grandiose titles in the Blurt organization would be reserved for me, and the Director of Human Resources.
I’m no fool. You’ve got to be tight with HR.
The now re-titled and motivated Laundry Assistant managed to find time to arrange an interview between folding my t-shirts. Here is my interview with the Man Eating Tree Of Madagascar. We hooked up online on Skype for our chat.
Omawarisan – Good morning Tree. May I call you Tree? I guess it’s not morning there, is it?
Man Eating Tree Of Madagascar – Sure, I’m good with Tree, Oma. It isn’t morning here, it is tomorrow, or yesterday. Do you understand that whole International Date Line thing?
O – I thought the international date line was one of those telephone numbers they advertise really late on TV.
Tree – Whatever, man.
O – So Tree, how did you become man-eating?
Tree – It was out of a bit of frustration. I got sick of eating the same stuff every day. Another day, another three square meals of minerals sucked out of the dirt. I wanted variety. I figured that I’m bigger than people soooo…
O – So why not? I get that. The description I read of how you eat was pretty bad. All sorts of tentacles and some boa constrictor like crushing stuff was happening.
Tree – I’m a tree, I’m evolving into the meat-eating thing. I think I’m due a pass on the table manners, don’t you?
O – Agreed, but you can see how that sort of thing might be not so attractive to people, can’t you?
Tree – Oh yeah. I just don’t need their judgmental attitudes.
O – Now, the description I read is of members of the Mkodo tribe sacrificing a woman to you. How do you go about demanding sacrifices?
Tree – See, that’s the thing. I don’t. They just do it. It kind of pisses me off, actually.
O – Pisses you off?
Tree – Yeah, when someone decides there has to be a sacrifice, who gets sacrificed? Women. They get thrown in volcanoes and all kinds of other nasty stuff. Ever watch King Kong?
O – Yeah, oh my God, I see it. They sacrifice the native woman to Kong, then kidnap Fay Wray and sacrifice her next. Wait, I’m confused. Did you, or did you not eat that woman as described.
Tree – Oh, dude, yeah, I did. But I felt bad about it. That was actually the last one I ate. I saw the pattern and the injustice of the system.
O – So you stopped the sacrifices?
Tree – I didn’t ask for them. But no, I didn’t stop them. The way I see it, if I’m not menacing anymore, I’m going to end up as firewood.
O – What is the solution?
Tree – The tribe still does the sacrifices. I pretend to eat the woman, but I just hide her until the ceremony is over, then I send her out of the country. I’m not going to get behind these dudes oppressing women.
O – Very cool of you, bro.
Tree – Thanks, man.
O – So what do you do for food?
Tree – (laughing) Well, the day after the ceremony, one of the guys who helps with the sacrifice comes out. Y’know, they like to tidy the place up a bit after the party.
O – Sure, I get that.
Tree – I eat those guys. Ha ha ha!
O – Dude!
Tree – I know, right?
O – Righteous.
Tree – The funny part is, they haven’t figured it out. Every milk carton in Madagascar has a picture of a missing high priest on it. No one ever says “I wonder if the tree got him?”
O – They think you’re full of women.
Tree – Yup.
My thanks to the Tree for a great chat. I’m making a note to myself to pat my laundry assistant on the back for lining up a great interview the next time I’m at headquarters.