At The Mall With OmaPosted: November 26, 2012
Conventional wisdom says that you should avoid the mall on Black Friday. That’s probably true. Since this was the first time in recent memory that I wasn’t working the day after Thanksgiving, I thought I would see what conventional wisdom was so concerned with.
Things were not as scary as I’d been led to believe. There were more people and fewer open parking spots, but those weren’t big problems. I didn’t see anything that struck me as a wonderful bargain. I left the mall empty-handed. All was not lost though. The movie that is real life provided many interesting scenes to watch.
Don’t You Want Something To Drink With That?
Come the day after Thanksgiving, Hickory Farms has an outlet in every mall in the US. By the end of January, they’re gone. Where is Hickory Farms the rest of the year? No one knows; no one cares.
Why doesn’t anyone care? Because you don’t buy a gift at Hickory Farms for someone you value. A gift from Hickory Farms says “I felt obligated to get you a gift, but I didn’t care to put effort into it.”
With that in mind, I created a new marketing slogan for the company – Hickory Farms: Where America shops when they’re indifferent about the people they’re shopping for. (copyright – me, 2012.)
I’ve never given, nor received a Hickory Farms gift. I think that means that people know what they think about me, good or bad.
On Black Friday, I saw a man walking down the mall eating a Hickory Farms sausage like it was a meat banana. He had peeled back the plastic and was chomping away at the big sausage as he strolled. It was pretty disgusting.
After I thought about it, I was able to reach a conclusion that explained his behavior.
Once, or maybe more than that, someone had concluded that while they felt no connection to him, there was some obligation to give him a gift. He received the gift graciously, despite knowing it was the ultimate indicator of indifference. He became addicted to the indifference because it required nothing from him in return. The Hickory Farms sausage that he could only get his hands on once a year became associated with his need to be someone society was indifferent to.
Hickory Farms, call me. Indifference sells.
Do you know who loves pink? Women.
I’ve never had a woman tell me she loved pink. At the mall, there were lots of women wearing clothes that said that they loved pink.
On second thought, is Love Pink an instruction? Perhaps it is directed at the reader, not the wearer. Even if it is an instruction, it seems that women still must love pink. For them to take the time to command others to like it, they must feel some bond with pink.
The Apple Store
Apple is a money-making machine. I love their stuff, but I’m amazed at how many people pack into their stores to give them more money.
I don’t think there are specific appearance rules involved in hiring Apple Store employees. However, if you want to work a the Apple Store, here are some looks and accessories that you might want to consider adopting before you apply. They might not get you hired, but they won’t hurt –
- A fedora. All the coolest guys have one.
- Funky older woman. This look isn’t good to combine with being a fedora guy. But if you are an AARP eligible woman, don’t care that your hair is gray and prove it by wearing it short and spiky, you are hired.
- Cool glasses. Cool specs go with any Apple Store employee look. It is especially good if your glasses are a primary color like red, or blue.
- Tattoos and piercings. Goodness. Hipness. Hired(ness).
- Facial hair. The right facial hair is important. There are no Apple Store employees with a Fu Manchu. There are plenty with goatees.
- Dreadlocks in a pony tail or shaved head. Opposite ends of the spectrum, united in their acceptability.
On my way out, I noticed that a fedora guy with tattoos joined the funky older woman who’d greeted me when I walked in. Fedora and tattoos. I think he was management.
Doesn’t a food court seem like where a person would go when they’re accused of dining related infractions?
“How does your client plead to the charge of taking far more food at the buffet than he could consume?”
“Guilty your honor. We’d ask that the court consider, before imposing a sentence, that my client was raised in a home where he was told to eat because there were children in China who didn’t have enough to eat.”
It is my ambition to become a judge in food court. Apparently that isn’t going to happen. I’ll put my food court dream aside and tell you about the woman at the Haagen Dasz ice cream counter.
When I went through the mall food court, it was lunch time, but not time for lunch dessert. There were lines at all the other food counters, but the Haagen Dasz counter was desolate. The woman who worked there was motionless at the register, staring blankly into the distance.
She caught my eye because of her stare. Then, I saw her t-shirt. It said “I’ve never felt more alive.”
I watched for several minutes. She was nearly catatonic, but had never felt more alive. She still had not moved by the time I walked off. If she’s never felt more alive than what I saw, I’ve got concerns about her future progress.
Maybe she had a lot on her mind. Perhaps someone gave her the gift of a beef stick.