Blowing Up The Moon – Proof We Kind Of Dug The Soviets

The Cold War. It’s been over for a while now. That’s not news to you. You’re all bright people. You know things. But today, I’m going to pass on a revelation that will change what you think you know about The Cold War.

This image was selected as a picture of the we...

Hey baby, what’s up? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You might want to sit down for this. Ready? The Cold War didn’t happen. Historians misread what they saw. The truth is, the United States secretly was really into the U.S.S.R. I’m serious, major international crush.

It’s a shock. Take a minute, then read on. When I lay this on you, you’re going to want to call your freshman history teacher and get that midterm exam re-graded.

The Behavior Of Thirteen Year Old Boys

Think back a few years to when you were thirteen. You either knew a lot of boys your age, or you were one.

Boys that age are a lot of noise and bluster. Rarely does the noise and bluster mean anything of significance. They haven’t learned how to express themselves in other ways. The result is a lot of bragging, early experiments with cursing, some one-upmanship and displays meant to draw attention.

Attention, that’s the thing. And whose attention does a young man of that age need most? That would be the attention of whatever young woman is the object of his affection. Because our boy doesn’t know any other way to get that attention (and warn off other suitors), we see lots of that noise and bluster when he’s near that girl.

118, 119. Whatever It Takes.

Project A119? (public domain image via wikipedia)

Do you know about Project A119? I just learned that A119 was a 1950’s U.S. Government plan to detonate an atomic bomb on the moon to intimidate the Soviets and boost the esteem of the United States. Concerns with the danger to people here on earth in case of a mission failure scrapped the plan.

Is there anything that generates more noise and bluster than an atomic bomb? Not really.

So, if we had a more reliable missile in the 1950’s, we would have detonated an atomic bomb on the moon. Then we’d have looked at Russia and said “hey, did you see that?” Russia would have said yes and we’d have been so cocky for the rest of the day.

Russia would have been impressed. When other countries like China and Finland saw our big detonation they’d have felt completely one-upped. That would make them think twice about calling and asking Russia to the dance on Friday.

The Cold War Was No War At All

The U.S. had a huge crush on the U.S.S.R.. We were so convinced the Russians hung the moon we were willing to blow it up to get their attention. The Russians kind of liked us back. Both countries were newly minted superpowers. Their developing atomic stockpiles and changing places in the world community caused them to have feelings they didn’t understand how to express.

There was a lot of yelling, drama and tears. It looked like a kind of war, but most countries at war don’t fire weapons out into space. We couldn’t shoot at each other.  Deep down, we kinda dug each other.


24 Comments on “Blowing Up The Moon – Proof We Kind Of Dug The Soviets”

  1. Laura says:

    “We come in peace for all mankind. Or blow you to pieces. One of those.”

  2. Oma this is Brilliant! You stripped the elements of the “conflict” ( I really did not need to use quotations marks but I am just “cool” that way) down its very core: Passive-aggressive / teenage boys=Cold War. Great post!

  3. Wendy says:

    I am glad we did not follow through. Russia would have rolled her eyes and declared us “so immature”.

  4. History class would’ve been so much better, and puberty so much worse, had these facts been known by the masses. It would have made jumping off the high dive or lighting a cherry bomb seem so insignificant – 13 year old boys would have had to really up their games.

  5. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    And instead, we blew up a chocolate chip cookie, which impressed no one. Therefore, the Cold War and then the Lukewarm War, followed by the Tepid War. You’d have to have attended a private school to get that extra learning.

  6. It would have been so much easier to just send Kissinger with a note that said I like you. Do you like me? Circle one. Yes. No.

  7. writerdood says:

    If we sent enough of the bombs, we might have been able to make a big “USA” on the moon visible from earth. Now THAT would have really pissed them off!

    • omawarisan says:

      You know what would have been cool? If we did that, but wrote Russia. It would be like writing their name on a highway overpass,without having to work upside down and backward.

  8. Was that a nod to Mr. Mom?

    Why didn’t we just resort to pushing the USSR down and pulling her pigtails? Or make her a giant fortune teller that always predicted her marrying the grand ol’ US of A?

  9. robincoyle says:

    My neighbor, who has a 13-year-old son, calls it the “scratching, belching, and grunting phase.” Sure ways to win a 13-year-old girls heart.

  10. T E Stazyk says:

    Maybe Plan A119 was really executed but the bomb went off on a new moon night and no one saw?

  11. bryan says:

    So what were we do? What is the Cold War equivalent to second base?

    • omawarisan says:

      Hey Bryan!

      We were trying to get Russia’s attention. By my calculations, knocking down the Berlin Wall was 2nd base. Her dad found out and wouldn’t let us come over anymore.

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