When I Am Rich: My Giant Straw Christmas GoatPosted: December 17, 2012
As my vast blog wealth starts to come in, I am still planning how to spend it. Planning is the responsible thing to do, even for someone like me who plans to spend it irresponsibly.
The other day I read an article about a town in Sweden. A headline about how the town’s giant straw Christmas goat keeps getting burned made it a must read. Just as I think many of you would, I thought “well of course it does.”
So, If You Don’t Want It Burned…
The giant straw goat is a Christmas tradition in this Swedish town. Inexplicably, the goat is not intended to be burned. This begs the question “hey Bjorn, have you thought about a plaster goat?” It seems that Bjorn and his friends have not, because the goat typically burns down before Christmas.
If you have connections to the great nation of Sweden, I hope you’ll encourage them to include fire in their tradition or exclude straw as a building material.
I intend to replicate the tradition here. I will spend part of my blog fortune commissioning the construction of a straw goat. The year after that initial test goat, I’ll commission goats all across North America.
Every one of my giant straw goats will be burned. The primary reason for this is because they are straw goats. It just wouldn’t be right for something like this to be built and meet its end in any other fashion. The other reason is charity.
Goat Arson For A Good Cause
In each of the towns where I have a goat built, I will hold charity events surrounding the construction and destruction of the animal. Local residents will help build the goat. I’ll have a program similar to a walk-a-thon where people can ask their friends to sponsor them as they work on the goat. Two bucks for every hour each person puts in to goat building will add up quickly.
A torch raffle will be the biggest fund-raiser of these projects. The winner of the torch raffle will set the goat ablaze. I’ll even throw in the ignition method of the winner’s choice. Fireworks, electricity, gasoline, flaming arrows or anything else the winner chooses as their implement of inferno will be theirs.
There will be merchandise for sale at all my goat burning events. Attendees will be able to purchase t-shirts, mugs and gasoline cans with the logo and name of the event – “Get My Goat” – emblazoned upon them. There will also be items with the event motto – “Hay! Be careful with that match!” – for sale. All proceeds from the raffle, build-a-thon and merchandise will go to a charity particular to the town where the event is held.
Loving Sweden, Even Though They’re Silly
Sweden, even though I think it is very silly to build anything out of straw and expect that no one will burn it, I love you. You gave us vikings, Saab, Volvo and Dag Hammarskjold. I’m especially thankful for that girl I dated in high school. Seriously, thank you.
You’ve given me a new reason to thank you. While I still think a straw goat is very silly, it is a tradition that will help me raise millions for charity… as soon as my blog makes me fabulously wealthy.
Here’s a video of this year’s goat doing what it did best.