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When I Get Rich: My Zamboni

I like to get out in the world and I love to drive. I suppose that might be why so many of the things that I plan to buy with my vast (and still impending) blog wealth are vehicles. I’ve decided to add to my fleet by purchasing another unconventional mode of transportation.

I’m going to buy a¬†Zamboni. Yes, one of those machines that we see at ice rinks and hockey arenas.

Zamboni

See! They don’t have to live inside.(Photo credit: agaumont)

You might wonder why a man like me would need a Zamboni. Most of my blog wealth selections aren’t about needs, they’re about wants. I want to travel and arrive in style. Nothing says style like a vehicle with a sheet of ice trailing behind it.

Yes, I Know

Some folks are going to hang up on technical details here. I am aware that these machines do not shoot out a sheet of ice. What these sticklers for what they call truth are not taking into account is that the money I’ll spend to buy my Zamboni is not their money. Since the cash will be mine, I can spend as much of it as I choose. I choose to spend until my research and development department produces a machine that will lay down a layer of ice wherever I go.

And going is what I will do on my Zamboni. The decision on whether I will make ice as I go will depend on how big a hurry I am in to arrive. Arriving on a Zamboni, ice or no ice, is always arriving in style. Of course when I arrive as I am making ice, I will arrive in even more style.

Making ice will allow me to be a more relaxed driver. I’ll have time to acknowledge all the Blurt fans who spot me on my plaid Zamboni. My relaxation will come from not being tailgated. Only a fool would tailgate me on an inch of fresh ice. I won’t even look in the rear view mirror except when I’m changing lanes or parallel parking.

I’m Sure They’re Nice, I Just Don’t Like What They Do

If I were going to have one hockey player with my Zamboni it would be Rod Langway (image via blogs.thescore.com)

If I did look behind me, I would see the figure skaters I hired to follow in my icy wake. Where there is ice, there should be skaters of some sort. I don’t like figure skating. I suppose the people who do it are probably nice enough. I’ll bring them along because I don’t think I’ll have wide enough ice for more than one hockey player.¬† Arriving without skaters leaves me open to ridicule. I do not choose to spend and be ridiculed.

Like so many of the purchases I will make with my blog wealth, the Zamboni will be fun. It will also help promote the blog, thus increasing my disposable income. Imagine the news coverage my arrival in your town’s center (throwing Blurt t-shirts into the crowd) will garner for my blog. For me, it is a win-win situation and I am the twice the winner.

And as a bonus, a video I shot on Friday while watching a game with my son..

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33 Comments on “When I Get Rich: My Zamboni”

  1. While all the so-called-fans were standing in line for over-priced beer and/or access to free urinals, you were making art. When the blog riches start pouring in, and they will, you can take credit for sacrificing cold beverages and bladder comfort for the sake of your craft. Kudos!

  2. Wendy says:

    This is a valid expenditure, if only because it gives you the opportunity to frequently say “Zamboni”. That is just plain fun.

  3. Betty says:

    As a long time hockey fan, I would love to see you realize this dream. Also, I like your choice of going old school with the NHL player photo. Rod was one of the last players to go helmet-less, along with Ron Dugay whose hair probably couldn’t fit under a helmet.

    • omawarisan says:

      Langway is the man. I saw him in a minor league hockey game after he retired from the NHL. Had no idea he was a player/coach for the visiting team. He came out, no helmet, and schooled those kids. He still had the ‘stache. I started cheering for the visitors, I was so happy to see him.

  4. There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire and a plaid Zamboni driven by a megalomaniac ruler of the world. . . Charlie Brown.

  5. Todd says:

    I just found a used Zamboni on eBay for $23,900. You’re a good negotiator. I’ll bet you could talk him down.

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      Todd is so funny!!!

      • omawarisan says:

        Look, the path to you selling this Zamboni goes through me. I’m not going over $19,500 and we both know that I’ve been straight up with you the whole time. When I test drove it, I came right back. When you were worried about my friends in the black suits, I told you I’d keep them out of the picture as long as you and I were cool, I did that. I even brought pizza when i came back. It is time for you to settle this the smart way…

  6. Pie says:

    You’ll make a good purchase Oma.

    I love Zambonis. While most people rush to the canteen to hoover up some burgers and chips after a skating session, I watch the Zamboni go round and round and round. I’m particularly impressed with the way the drivers casually turn the wheel, making movements like the Karate Kid: wax on, wax off. I’d give it go myself, but being a non-driver may be a major (and dangerous) disadvantage.

    Your time lapse video was mesmerising. It looked like the Zambonis were doing a figure skating routine. That rink must be massive if there are usually two on the ice. Or maybe two are put on to save time.

    • omawarisan says:

      I think the two Zamboni thing is becoming common here. Our minor league hockey team uses two as well.

      A lot of hockey teams have a second chair on their machines now and let people ride along. Come on over.

  7. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    You would rise in my esteem even more so if your Zamboni could lay down some tasty popsicles while driving down the road. Just trying to maximize your eBay investment. Thank you, Todd.

  8. robincoyle says:

    Arriving in a limo is so last year. Zamboni says understated elegance . . .

  9. I have to admit I was questioning your choice right up until you mentioned it woud be plaid. That definitely seals the deal and puts it into a much higher level of awesomeness.

  10. We Found Him Captain! says:

    Why does the name Zamboni make me hungry for a submarine sandwich? I’m thinking of ordering “one large foot long Zamboni with fried onions and Swiss cheese to go”.

  11. omawarisan says:

    I had to look. Todd wasn’t kidding, there is a Zamboni on eBay for $23,900.

    Bidding ends in three days. I’m going to need this blog to take off, fast.

  12. benzeknees says:

    I thought perhaps you loved to skate & that’s why you wanted a zamboni, so you could get out & skate whenever you want. I understand why you want to arrive in style but you do know zambonis don’t go very fast don’t you? It would take you 2 days to cross town on a zamboni. But to each his own I guess.

    • omawarisan says:

      I think that lack of speed is part of the Zamboni’s stateliness. I will just leave early, because late is never good.

      No, no. No skating for me. Took a spill and knocked myself out when I was in high school. Maybe I was just sleepy. Anyhow, I was on my back on the ice, time passed.

      • Pie says:

        You know, the main character in The Straight Story used a motorised lawnmower to go across town and see his ailing brother. It didn’t do him any harm.

  13. I volunteer to be a skater!

  14. Debbie says:

    I’m a firm believer in You make the money, you get to choose how to spend it. Now, if you can just avoid things like taxes and insurance…why, you’ll be good to go!

  15. planetross says:

    Forget the figure skaters … I want to bumpershine behind the zamboni.
    I could dress in a costume that looks like a shooting flame!
    … or as Captain Marvel, and say “Shazamboni!” a lot.


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