The Man Who Would Be PopePosted: February 18, 2013
The Pope announced last week that he is stepping down. Pope Benedict XVI is the first man to give up the job in over 600 years.
There’s been much said and written about Pope Benedict’s resignation, but I’ve seen no good wishes expressed for the man as he goes forward. So, let me be the first to wish The Pope good luck in whatever he chooses to take on next.
It can’t be a coincidence that the first pope to leave the job in six centuries chooses to pull the rip cord as I am bringing my first career to an end. At first, I didn’t think much about it. Then I got the news that changed everything.
Qualified? An Unqualified Yes.
You see, I thought that my background disqualified me from becoming pope. I was wrong. There is no need to have the title “Priest” on my résumé to become The Pope.
All I (or anyone) has to be is a man who was baptized and is in good standing with the church. Yes, I know the man part isn’t fair. It excludes half the population over a matter of genetic chance. I don’t make the rules, I only read about them on CNN. If I get the Pope gig, I will make the rules. I’ll change the rule that excludes women first, then move on to some others.
As to the baptized and in good standing part of the requirements, I have reliable witnesses as to my baptism. My age at the time keeps me from testifying to it myself. I’m confident that it happened
I’m in good standing. No one has told me I am not. An organization as large as the Catholic Church must have some procedure for letting someone know if they’ve messed things up. No one has said a word to me about what the church thinks of me, so I must be in good standing.
A Word Or Two On My Papacy.
So, what would an Omawarisan papacy be like? In a word, divine. Wait, heavenly. Two words.
Media outlets would declare me The People’s Pope. That will happen mostly because I’m going to keep being that kind of guy, but a little because I’d have my PR firm put the word out that it would be a good idea to call me that.
All popes belong to the people, I suppose. I’ll just be the most approachable. Here is a sample of the kind of conversations people will have about Pope Me:
“I went out to lunch today. The Pope was there.”
“He was? What was he doing?”
“Eating chili. Well, actually, he was eating his cornbread when I saw him.”
“Did he say anything?”
“Hello? Mouth full of cornbread?”
“Good point. So what happened?”
“I said “hey Pope.” He fist bumped me and did that “Issac, Your Bartender” pointing thing.”
“That guy is our Pope.”
“Our Pope? Oh, yeah, like us people, right?”
Round, Round, I Get Around
Since I will be The People’s Pope, I won’t need a Popemobile. I’m just going to keep my Miata. That’ll save my flock some money, especially when I travel around the world. The Miata is going to be a lot cheaper to ship. I’ll still let them close down the streets when I go places, but only so there is no traffic and I can quickly get where I’m going.
My theory is that a lot of people find the robes that Popes wear off-putting because they are so different from what everyone else wears. I won’t be too good to dress down a bit. In my day-to-day activities, I’ll be in shorts or jeans. I’ll also forgo the usual headgear for a baseball cap. If I do wear a traditional robe, it will be on occasions where the expectations are high that I’ll wear a robe.
I’ll talk to the people when I’m among them. I’ll listen to their concerns. I’ll answer their questions, even “what’s under the robe?” I’ll make changes to the church based on what I hear from them.
I’m still not going to wear anything under my robe, even if that’s what I hear from the people. I’ll be The People’s Pope, but I won’t be pushed around.
This job is mine to lose.