The Man Who Would Be Pope

The Pope announced last week that he is stepping down. Pope Benedict XVI is the first man to give up the job in over 600 years.

There’s been much said and written about Pope Benedict’s resignation, but I’ve seen no good wishes expressed for the man as he goes forward. So, let me be the first to wish The Pope good luck in whatever he chooses to take on next.

"Pope Benedict XVI waves from the Pope-mo...

Not how I’d roll. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It can’t be a coincidence that the first pope to leave the job in six centuries chooses to pull the rip cord as I am bringing my first career to an end. At first, I didn’t think much about it. Then I got the news that changed everything.

Qualified? An Unqualified Yes.

You see, I thought that my background disqualified me from becoming pope. I was wrong. There is no need to have the title “Priest” on my résumé to become The Pope.

All I (or anyone) has to be is a man who was baptized and is in good standing with the church. Yes, I know the man part isn’t fair. It excludes half the population over a matter of genetic chance. I don’t make the rules, I only read about them on CNN. If I get the Pope gig, I will make the rules. I’ll change the rule that excludes women first, then move on to some others.

As to the baptized and in good standing part of the requirements, I have reliable witnesses as to my baptism. My age at the time keeps me from testifying to it myself. I’m confident that it happened

I’m in good standing. No one has told me I am not. An organization as large as the Catholic Church must have some procedure for letting someone know if they’ve messed things up. No one has said a word to me about what the church thinks of me, so I must be in good standing.

A Word Or Two On My Papacy.

So, what would an Omawarisan papacy be like? In a word, divine. Wait, heavenly. Two words.

Media outlets would declare me The People’s Pope. That will happen mostly because I’m going to keep being that kind of guy, but a little because I’d have my PR firm put the word out that it would be a good idea to call me that.

Lupie’s Chili. The Official Chili of The People’s Pope, once I get the job.

All popes belong to the people, I suppose. I’ll just be the most approachable. Here is a sample of the kind of conversations people will have about Pope Me:

“I went out to lunch today. The Pope was there.”

“He was? What was he doing?”

“Eating chili. Well, actually, he was eating his cornbread when I saw him.”

“Did he say anything?”

“Hello? Mouth full of cornbread?”

“Good point. So what happened?”

“I said “hey Pope.” He fist bumped me and did that “Issac, Your Bartender” pointing thing.”

“That guy is our Pope.”

“Our Pope? Oh, yeah, like us people, right?”


Round, Round, I Get Around

My hat.

Since I will be The People’s Pope, I won’t need a Popemobile. I’m just going to keep my Miata. That’ll save my flock some money, especially when I travel around the world. The Miata is going to be a lot cheaper to ship. I’ll still let them close down the streets when I go places, but only so there is no traffic and I can quickly get where I’m going.

My theory is that a lot of people find the robes that Popes wear off-putting because they are so different from what everyone else wears. I won’t be too good to dress down a bit.  In my day-to-day activities, I’ll be in shorts or jeans. I’ll also forgo the usual headgear for a baseball cap. If I do wear a traditional robe, it will be on occasions where the expectations are high that I’ll wear a robe.

I’ll talk to the people when I’m among them. I’ll listen to their concerns. I’ll answer their questions, even “what’s under the robe?” I’ll make changes to the church based on what I hear from them.

I’m still not going to wear anything under my robe, even if that’s what I hear from the people. I’ll be The People’s Pope, but I won’t be pushed around.

This job is mine to lose.


39 Comments on “The Man Who Would Be Pope”

  1. List of X says:

    Pope Omawarisan the First… that has a certain ring to it. Have you given a though to how we should refer to you when you begin your papacy? Would it be “Your Blurtness”?

  2. I think the time is right for a Peoples’ Pope. I also think that letting women into the game is overdue and you’ll only get resistance to that one from the old guard – offer them early retirement if they wanna bust your chops on the issue.. I’m not sure how well chili with beans in it will go over with the purists though. I’m sure it’s quite tasty, but there are some traditions which people have no flexibility on.

    • omawarisan says:

      That’s the beauty of Lupie’s. All that stuff is add on. The base is just beefy goodness. Killer banana pudding too.

      • I’m on it! I personally prefer my chili – which is pretty damn good – with beans, but I’ve had some hard-core chili folk dismiss it out of hand just because of the frijoles negros. Snobs!

        Good luck with your papacy. If you need any pointers, I think a new season of “The Borgias” is starting on Showtime soon.

  3. I wonder what Mrs. Omawarisan thinks about this.

    There’s going to be a lot of pressure being the first First Papal Lady. Fashion critics scrutinizing her every long, flowing robe. Gossip journalists wondering if she’s had work done or if her youthful appearance is courtesy of insider miracle trading. That awkward moment when hostesses realize they forgot to add a table setting for the Pope’s plus one . . .

    On the up side, she’s going to have a fantastic decorating budget.

  4. Blogdramedy says:

    And you get to live in the Vatican and practice exorcisms on pumpkins. There is no bad here.

  5. lbwoodgate says:

    I hear Father Guido Sarducci is available to serve in some advisory role for the next pope.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Being from Indy, I have thought the Popemobile would make a rockin’ pace car !! Could you arrange that ?

    • omawarisan says:

      Sounds like it would be a money maker. We could raffle off the spot in the glass box.

      • Anonymous says:

        It’s typically some kind of celebrity, but I’m pretty sure they would pay us for such an opportunity !! I think we would have to carefully screen them. You wouldn’t want just any old celebrity in there.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Oh, and I owe you some REAL Cincinnati Chili !!!!

  8. Debbie says:

    Have you talked with Green Wuf about this? Would that make him the First Papal Son, or something like that? Lots of pressure for a kid in college. Still, might be fun for him to bring his buddies home to the Vatican!

  9. Lenore Diane says:

    Blah, blah, blah, blah… The Varsity hat? You’ve got my vote.

    • omawarisan says:

      Whattayahave, whattayahave, whattayahave? Two with mustard and an order of fries for The Pope.

      Bought that hat when I brought my son down to see the Orioles play the Braves in Cal Ripken’s last season – 2001.

  10. You as Pope would be dope!

  11. robincoyle says:

    When you become Pope, I might start going to church again. But, I’ll expect monthly chili cook-offs after mass.

  12. “I won’t need a Popemobile.”— Allow yourself some perks…and the opportunity to say, “To the Popemobile!”

  13. When you become Pope I may have to consider becoming Catholic. I’ve always really admired that whole confessional – clean slate thing.

  14. Dude. Those are a lot of radical changes. The craziest of which, of course, is allowing women equal power. But there is definitely a movie in here… Starring Jim Carrey as the People’s Pope.

    No wait, he was already God in that other thing. Tom Hanks because he’s been getting into comedy lately and, even if you think he’s wrong for the part, he has enough money to buy your silence.

    Casting: done.

    Now we just need a title: “Saved”. No, that’s an upcoming sitcom and maybe already a movie. “Pope Dude”. Done. Let’s get our agents on the phone.

  15. planetross says:

    It must be nice to know you have the job for as long as you want it when you become Pope.
    I guess that’s why they don’t elect young Popes … it wouldn’t sit well with masses. (no pun intended)
    I guess old Popes are closer to God … or will see him sooner … or something like that.

  16. Laura says:

    Maybe the Popemobile works like Air Force One — it’s whatever vehicle the Pope happens to be riding in at the time, whether it’s the famous glass-enclosed vehicle, the Papal Miata, or the Papal Zamboni.

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