An Open Letter From The US To Kim Jong Un

Dear Kim Jong-un,

Kim Jong-Un clapping

Hi, it’s us, the US… (Photo credit: petersnoopy)

Hey, we wanted to drop you a note about your country’s threat to “…exercise the right to a preĆ«mptive nuclear attack.”

You know, we’re all down with countries looking after their own interests and borders. It’s cool that your country does that. Maybe you’ll be upset by us saying this, but we do that sort of thing too. Our methods are a little different, but our nations are alike in that general respect.

Ah, respect. That’s pretty important to us both as well. Do you know why we respect you? Because of your choice of Dennis Rodman as your friend and favorite basketball player.

You see, if you’re going to pick a favorite player from those Detroit Pistons teams of the 1980’s, you’ve got to avoid Bill Laimbeer. If Laimbeer came to see you last week, we can assure you that you’d have gotten no respect from us. Laimbeer was a dirty player and a flopper. Either one of those things should disqualify him from anyone’s list. We honor your decision to exclude Bill Laimbeer.

Rodman was a great defender and never a flopper. But, well, we aren’t telling you anything you don’t already know by saying that the man has issues. We know you and he are friends, and you’ve got to stand up for your boy. All of us get that, and we respect that you will. But you know he’s a mess. You hung with him, you have to know it. No one is asking you to call him on it, but you know it is true, and so do we.

We have a saying here, “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose”. You picked Dennis Rodman, and we’re happy for you both. But you made a big mistake. Your mistake is even bigger than picking Dennis’ nose.

English: Chicago Bulls Dennis Rodman 1995 - 19...

Human Shield (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You see, after Rodman came to visit you last week, he came back here. You could have kept him there in North Korea, with you. That would be completely within your powers as the man in charge, but you let him go and he flew right back here. Here, to the United States. The same United States that you now want to bomb.

You’re a bright guy, Kim Jong Un. We think you see where we’re going with this. Step back from the rocket launcher. Do it nice and slow and no one has to get hurt.

We’ve got Rodman. Bomb us, bomb your best friend. It is as simple as that. You might say that your buddy is a human shield. If you did, we might say that you’re right.

We respect people who think things through carefully. We’re sure you’ll carefully consider the meaning of what we’ve told you, then make the right decision.

Have a nice day.


The United States


28 Comments on “An Open Letter From The US To Kim Jong Un”

  1. shoutabyss says:

    Let me know if there is ever an opening for sub-human shield. I feel me and the Rodman could work well together.

    My best guess is that Kimmy Boy just craves attention. That plus he’s 100% batshit insane.

  2. I was hoping to write about Rodman as Ambassador, but I’ve been too busy stock piling food and munitions for the end of days which surely can’t be far away now. If Kim sends for Carrot Top and anyone named Kardashian, it’s time to get in the bunker.

  3. kerbey says:

    i wanted to see a little P.S. Suck It.

  4. Such a common sense approach. We should have exercised our right, controlled our boarder and told North Korea—you like him…you keep him…unless of-course you think the powers to be were already considering the human shield possibility. I met Rodman years ago, and I still remember him as a complete an utter jerk who thought he was oh so cute. Not. Someone should have sent him to North Korea on the end of their foot years ago.

    • omawarisan says:

      I think that people who make an effort to be “out there” usually turn out kind of jerky. They’re trying to hard.

      I wonder if we can ship people to North Korea as part of their UN sanctions: “you can’t access your bank accounts, and we’re parachuting Joan Rivers in.”

  5. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    So, now we have to keep Rodman in the country forever?

  6. I wonder if they were having an affair.

  7. writerdood says:

    What a dumb ass. Hello! We’ve invaded HOW many countries with the propensity to cause significant issues to our population? Go ahead, play your game with the paranoid tiger. But if you’re determine as a threat. If we even THINK you might be a threat, then we’ll see who’s talking smack. There’s a serious game here, and NK is long due for a wart removal. Too long have we sat and watched the torment of so many people. It isn’t about who’s conservative and who’s liberal. It’s getting to the point of being just plain sick of having this THING on the fabric of reality – this… blot on what should be. This HELL on earth. Toleration wears thin.

    Too long. The claws are already sharp. I disdain this threat. So do many others. It’s almost time for the NK train to derail. You watch. History will repeat itself here. Others will see it too.

    The NK people will be liberated, by fire and by blood. And like all others we have liberated, the will rise. We will reconstruct them.

    Damn… but I’m full of cuss and vinegar tonight! But then I’ve been reading about this shit for WAY too long! And I’m sick of it. NK needs change. It would have been a better investment than Iraq. Or so the world has witnessed. We shall see.

  8. Laura says:

    So, you’re saying we should hold Dennis Rodman hostage? I’m surprised that you, of all people, would suggest that.

  9. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    The U.S. should have refused to take Rodman back. Leave him in North Korea and he’d be such a huge distraction, perhaps the chubby leader might stop with the grandstanding and saber rattling. There are millions of hours of reality TV left in Rodman. And chubby needs to get some exercise – his new friend could have been his basketball buddy, too.

  10. Yes! I knew that guy would come in handy if we just waited long enough.

  11. robincoyle says:

    Finally! A use for Dennis Rodman.

  12. Does anyone know where Rodman is at this moment? Someone should get one of those GPS ankle bracelets on him stat.

  13. planetross says:

    Probably The Harlem Globetrotters went because they wanted to check off the last country in the world to visit to make them truly globe trotters.

    • planetross says:

      on a lighter note: I think the saying is “you can pick your friends; you can pick your nose; but you can’t pick your friend’s nose”
      … at least that’s what it says under my blog header.

  14. audreyhipbone says:

    KJI – “Dennis Rodman is my hostage!”
    US – “I see. Do you have any more relevant hostages?”

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