When Is Easter?Posted: March 11, 2013
Because my current occupation requires that I work holidays, I tend to lose track of when most of them are coming up. There have been times when I wasn’t even sure when the 4th of July was held. Let me give you an example of my job-induced holiday ineptitude.
One spring day, I ran into a friend who worked in a church. “I’m so busy this time of year” he said, “things will settle down again once I get through Sunday.” My steel trap of a mind snapped into action and came up with…nothing. Yes, I had no idea why someone who worked at a church would be busy in the spring.
So I asked him “why this Sunday?” Because he is a decent, kind man, he did not question my intelligence or point out that I was certainly bound for hell. He just said “it is Easter.”
Oh, yeah. It is a given – I am doomed to eternally roast for that one.
Why Is The Date A Big Secret?
Easter is to blame for my embarrassment that day. Few know when the holiday will fall from one year until the next. My sources tell me that the real reason Pope Benedict XVI resigned is because he was embarrassed at being unable to keep up with when Easter is.
Some would try to convince you that the date of Easter is determined by something called computus. That is a lie. I had computus about three years ago. The itching was terrible, and I couldn’t keep food down. It gave me a terrible case of the hives, but no insight as to when Easter was to be celebrated.
There is but one group of people who actually know when Easter is from one year to the next. That group are the owners of companies who print calendars. They get together every five years and make up when the holiday will be celebrated. The dates are written on a piece of paper and locked in a safe. The general public is prevented from knowing what the date of the holiday is until calendars are printed for the upcoming years.
By setting themselves up with a monopoly on the secret date of a date much of the world holds as sacred, calendar manufacturers have protected their industry. Unless we buy paper calendars, none of us will be able to make vacation plans around Easter.
Breaking The Monopoly
Until we take control of Easter from the calendar monopoly we will all be forced to realize that the holiday season is upon us via the two primary methods I use –
- being embarrassed by a member of the clergy
- seeing that marshmallow peeps are for sale in the stores
Here’s what I propose we do to get the date of Easter back into our hands. First, we all agree that a fixed date be selected for the holiday. This is a no-brainer. Easter celebrates a specific incident that happened on one particular day a long time ago. It does not celebrate a specific incident that happened sometime between early March and late April.
Once we agree on the need for a fixed date, we have someone we all trust choose the date. I nominate myself as that someone. I will choose the date using two of those lottery number machines – the ones with the ping-pong balls with numbers on them.
The Easter Date Selection Show will be broadcast around the world via satellite. I’ll appear on the set with my two lottery machines. The first machine will have two balls in it. One will be labeled March, the other, April. After the month is selected, I’ll use the machine with 31 numbered balls in it to choose the date.
From the night of the Easter Date Selection Show forward, Easter will be celebrated on the lucky date chosen by my ping-pong ball machines and me.
New Years Day is always January 1, U.S. Independence Day is always July 4, Christmas is December 25.
Easter deserves equal treatment.