Canada Geese Spread Their Fowl WaysPosted: April 29, 2013
Those two topics don’t seem terribly related. If you listed the common elements in those two stories you’d come up with:
- webbed feet
Now some of you read that list and see nothing special, no significant relationship. Others read it and see all the elements of a great Saturday night. If you’re in that second group, call me.
After an experience I had the other day, I see the connection between these two blog posts. I’ve uncovered something awful, and I’m not just talking about my writing.
A Startling Discovery
I was bleary-eyed as I drove to work that morning. Five A.M. is early; it doesn’t really make a difference what time a body heads to bed. I rubbed some sleep from my eyes, then let my glasses drop back on my nose. The world came back into focus and I realized there was something moving on the road in front of me. Mallard ducks.
Yes, mallards. As if nearly hitting one a few weeks ago wasn’t odd enough, here was a whole column of them. Had there been another car behind me I’d have hit at least four of them. The car came to a stop. My lunch and my iPod made rough landings. I watched the last few ducks hop up on the curb.
In that moment, I realized that he was there. Standing, facing the line of ducks was a Canada goose. He stood, drill sergeant-like, superintending the operation until the last duck was up on the sidewalk. Only then did he follow them out of the street.
Marvin’s Eternal Question
Marvin Gaye once asked “What’s goin’ on?” In the moment where Sergeant Goose and I locked eyes I realized what the answer to Marvin’s question was. I’m going to give you the bad news.
The Canadian Geese are recruiting and training our waterfowl for an insurrection. An insurrection of irritation. Prepare for blocked streets, and foul deposits of fowl feces.
Ducks are being trained to, against their nature, walk across roads instead of fly. They’ll become aggressive toward humans, spreading their wings and hissing as they charge. Swans will congregate in parking lots staring menacingly. Soon, we will not know what fowl we can trust.
Yes, what started as a friendly joke between neighbors has become something sinister. Those cold goose eyes hide a diabolical plot. Don’t turn your back on any sort of waterfowl…if you know what’s good for you.