Canada Geese Spread Their Fowl Ways

I’ve written of Canada’s big joke on the United States – sending their geese across our border. More recently, I documented an incident where I nearly hit a mallard duck with my car.

Pair of Canada Geese by lake in Lexington Ceme...

A couple of jerks (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Those two topics don’t seem terribly related. If you listed the common elements in those two stories you’d come up with:

  • feathers
  • webbed feet
  • me

Now some of you read that list and see nothing special, no significant relationship. Others read it and see all the elements of a great Saturday night. If you’re in that second group, call me.

After an experience I had the other day, I see the connection between these two blog posts. I’ve uncovered something awful, and I’m not just talking about my writing.

A Startling Discovery

I was bleary-eyed as I drove to work that morning. Five A.M. is early; it doesn’t really make a difference what time a body heads to bed. I rubbed some sleep from my eyes, then let my glasses drop back on my nose. The world came back into focus and I realized there was something moving on the road in front of me. Mallard ducks.


Let’s just walk. (Photo credit: Scott_Calleja)

Yes, mallards. As if nearly hitting one a few weeks ago wasn’t odd enough, here was a whole column of them. Had there been another car behind me I’d have hit at least four of them. The car came to a stop. My lunch and my iPod made rough landings. I watched the last few ducks hop up on the curb.

In that moment, I realized that he was there. Standing, facing the line of ducks was a Canada goose. He stood, drill sergeant-like, superintending the operation until the last duck was up on the sidewalk. Only then did he follow them out of the street.

Marvin’s Eternal Question

Marvin Gaye once asked “What’s goin’ on?” In the moment where Sergeant Goose and I locked eyes I realized what the answer to Marvin’s question was. I’m going to give you the bad news.

The Canadian Geese are recruiting and training our waterfowl for an insurrection. An insurrection of irritation. Prepare for blocked streets, and foul deposits of fowl feces.

Ducks are being trained to, against their nature, walk across roads instead of fly. They’ll become aggressive toward humans, spreading their wings and hissing as they charge. Swans will congregate in parking lots staring menacingly. Soon, we will not know what fowl we can trust.

Yes, what started as a friendly joke between neighbors has become something sinister. Those cold goose eyes hide a diabolical plot. Don’t turn your back on any sort of waterfowl…if you know what’s good for you.



29 Comments on “Canada Geese Spread Their Fowl Ways”

  1. I had an odd encounter with a fat Canadian goose this weekend. I believe you is all I’m sayin’.

  2. […] And I thought about the amusing theories you might have about the fat goose sunning itself on the pi… […]

  3. Your only defense is a very stale piece of Wonder, whipped like a ninja’s throwing star at the head and or graceful neck of the offender. It won’t hurt them, but it may buy you valuable seconds for your retreat – watch your step as you run!

  4. benzeknees says:

    As a Canadian I like Canada Geese. They are my season detectors. When the geese fly south I know it’s time to get out the sweaters. When they fly north, it’s time to get out my shorts. I may not be able to wear them right away (note today’s blizzard) but I know the season is going to change!

  5. List of X says:

    And let’s not forget those carpet-bombing pigeons.

  6. Debbie says:

    Too funny — thanks for a much-needed laugh before I log off for the day! You paint a great picture of something fowl going on — you just might be right, too. I don’t suppose we can round them all up and point them somewhere else, though, can we??

  7. We Found Him Captain! says:

    Soon you can make a transition from being the sheepdog to duckdog.

  8. Laura says:

    So that’s why the goose crossed the road.

  9. This is the beginning of a super secret Canadian plan to take over the US. Shhhh don’t tell.

  10. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I’m against it. Something needs to be done to prevent this awful turn of events. Goose poop all over the sidewalks here is bad enough. Round up the mallards and convince them that waddling down that road will only lead to peril. I knew the geese were up to no good.

  11. shoutabyss says:

    I think you’ve stumbled on a great idea for a movie here.

  12. pegoleg says:

    So THAT’s why America instituted a passport requirement when going to Canada. Our forward-thinking officials could see this day coming and were taking steps to secure the border. Renews my faith in politicians.

  13. Oma, you have no idea. I was once attacked by a trained “attack duck”. I kid you not. Funny story, now, and I have written about it but at the time I ended up off work and unable to walk on my swollen bruised ankels.

  14. I know it’s not question and answer time, but my inquiring mind needs to know…what animals do you like and trust? I’m betting dog is higher on your list than cat…rooster maybe before goose? Not fond of fowl flies, walks or has web feet. we know you to be a possible suspect in a squirrel killing….mmmm.

  15. […] Canada Geese Spread Their Fowl Ways ( […]

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