The Policies Of My Administration: ExtinctionPosted: May 31, 2013
I have what you might call an irrational fear of slugs. If you do call it that, I’ve got to tell you that I think that’s a very uncool thing for you to have said. My fear is very rational.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, I find slugs repulsive. If I found one in my home I would have to give serious consideration to torching the joint. If I stepped on a slug, I’d be so repulsed I’d have to saw the contaminated foot off. Anything that is so vile as to make a rational man like me consider self amputation has no place on our planet.
Slugs are nature’s mistake. They’re nasty, they have no limbs, they are squishy and they leave slimy stuff wherever they go.
That is why, when I take over the world, my administration will put a policy in place that calls for the eradication of every slug on the planet.
Is This Good Environmental Policy?
My son is a bright, environmentally conscious gentleman. If I’d consulted him on this policy, I think he’d have told me that eliminating any species is irresponsible. Living organisms rely upon one another. If you eliminate one type of creature, many others will suffer.
I put a lot of stock in what my son tells me. In this case, what he’d have to say about how eradicating all slugs would affect our planet wouldn’t matter. My policy would stand, in spite of the Omawari-son’s wisdom and without regard to the effect their demise has upon whatever in the food chain is disgusting enough to eat slugs.
My administration would hire slug thugs. These thugs would be hired to find and destroy every slug on the planet. Yes, it is a dirty job, but someone has to do it – because I said so. I also say that they must wash in hot, hot, hot water for six hours when the job is done.
Some may argue that the slaughter of slugs is senseless and brutal.
I didn’t say it was a good argument.
I’d counter by saying that no one should have to endure what I did this morning. As I left for work this morning, there was a huge slug on my doorstep. I was trapped. All the neighbors were asleep, so I couldn’t call for help. I escaped by returning inside and then slipping out the back way.
What if I’d have stepped on that disgusting thing? Well, I had shoes on. So, I could have just removed and burned those shoes, but what of the emotional trauma? Years of counseling later, I’m certain I’d still be suffering because I would not stop recalling that horrible experience.
I’m Still An Environmentalist
I’m solidly pro-earth. Recycling? Yeah. Poaching animals for tusks? Bad. Unregulated toxic chemicals? No, thank you. My adminstration will be solidly pro-environment. Slugs, however, make it clear to me that the extinction of
some one species is just, necessary and good.
My administration will wipe out the slug population of earth for the benefit of humanity, and me.