The Policies Of My Administration: Extinction

I have what you might call an irrational fear of slugs. If you do call it that, I’ve got to tell you that I think that’s a very uncool thing for you to have said. My fear is very rational.

English: Parts of a slug Español: Anatomía de ...

This drawing makes me gag. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I find slugs repulsive. If I found one in my home I would have to give serious consideration to torching the joint. If I stepped on a slug, I’d be so repulsed I’d have to saw the contaminated foot off. Anything that is so vile as to make a rational man like me consider self amputation has no place on our planet.

Slugs are nature’s mistake. They’re nasty, they have no limbs, they are squishy and they leave slimy stuff wherever they go.

That is why, when I take over the world, my administration will put a policy in place that calls for the eradication of every slug on the planet.

Is This Good Environmental Policy?

My son is a bright, environmentally conscious gentleman. If I’d consulted him on this policy, I think he’d have told me that eliminating any species is irresponsible. Living organisms rely upon one another. If you eliminate one type of creature, many others will suffer.

Ecology Flag (American) displaying Theta

Hooray Earth! The part without slugs on it. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I put a lot of stock in what my son tells me. In this case, what he’d have to say about how eradicating all slugs would affect our planet wouldn’t matter. My policy would stand, in spite of the Omawari-son’s wisdom and without regard to the effect their demise has upon whatever in the food chain is disgusting enough to eat slugs.

My administration would hire slug thugs. These thugs would be hired to find and destroy every slug on the planet. Yes, it is a dirty job, but someone has to do it – because I said so. I also say that they must wash in hot, hot, hot water for six hours when the job is done.

Some may argue that the slaughter of slugs is senseless and brutal.

I didn’t say it was a good argument.

I’d counter by saying that no one should have to endure what I did this morning. As I left for work this morning, there was a huge slug on my doorstep. I was trapped. All the neighbors were asleep, so I couldn’t call for help. I  escaped by returning inside and then slipping out the back way.

What if I’d have stepped on that disgusting thing? Well, I had shoes on. So,  I could have just removed and burned those shoes, but what of the emotional trauma? Years of counseling later, I’m certain I’d still be suffering because I would not stop recalling that horrible experience.

I’m Still An Environmentalist

I’m solidly pro-earth. Recycling? Yeah. Poaching animals for tusks? Bad. Unregulated toxic chemicals? No, thank you. My adminstration will be solidly pro-environment. Slugs, however, make it clear to me that the extinction of some one species is just, necessary and good.

My administration will wipe out the slug population of earth for the benefit of humanity, and me.


22 Comments on “The Policies Of My Administration: Extinction”

  1. Laura says:

    The smug slug thug tugged on the rug and shrugged.

  2. benzeknees says:

    What did slugs ever do to you?

    • omawarisan says:

      They have eyes on stalks.
      They are slimy.
      They leave slime all over.
      They don’t get out of the way.
      They’re too easy to step on.
      If I stepped on one I would have to give up my foot.
      They come out at night so they’re harder to see and easier to step on.
      I can’t go barefooted outside at night because of their disgustingness.

  3. Banana slugs are quite large and look a good deal like half a ripe banana lying on the ground. One should consider that any attempt at eradicating the world of slugs might result in the senseless slaughter of innocent bananas. This, in turn, could force hippies in Northern California to use prunes in their yogurt smoothies due to the sudden banana shortage. The substitution of prunes over bananas could then lead to more frequent trips to the bathroom by smoothie drinkers, which in turn will create an up-spike in toilet paper use (not to mention more people buying the morning newpaper to read while going potty) – which could subsequently cause higher demand on paper pulping facilities. The unscrupulous barons of the paper pulping industry, ever eager to increase profits, could begin pushing loggers to start cutting down more old-growth timber and rainforests. The next thing you know, the world will be devoid of trees. Without trees, the oxygen supply will drop, forcing us to live differently. Most people will be too tired to walk upright, and will begin crawling around on the ground, slowly. After a few hundred generations of devolution, we’ll stop having arms and legs and will start leaving slimy trails wherever we crawl. Does anyone else see the irony here?

  4. Debbie says:

    I don’t like slugs and have no problem with your administration eradicating them. However, while we’re at it (and with many apologies to the Omawari-Son), can you also do something about eliminating snakes, cockroaches, and spiders??

  5. I’m with you on this one. I had to take a shower with disinfectant for just reading this post about slugs. Eradicate slugs! All of them.

  6. This morning I was standing in the kitchen looking outside and absolutely couldn’t take the sight of dead azaleas blossoms anymore, so I stepped outside to start taking them off and my first thought was, “This feels like a slug kind of morning. I should go back inside.” About 10 minutes later, just as I’d forgotten about it being a slug kind of morning, I pulled off a dead blossom and there was a slug sitting on the leaf beneath it. The thought of the ugly, slimy thing reminded me of you.

  7. TomBoy says:

    Such a cute post. I laughed out loud too, so thanks. When I was a little girl about 9, I had a friend, Jordan, who I’d actually do anything to find via Internet, but the point of this was we used to roll out slugs. I have memories of the fort of fence posts that we made for a mud fort and when we’d dig and unearth them, we’d kill them by rolling their bodies with dowels. We simply had no regard for the symbiotic disruptions that we undoubtedly caused. Thanks for this post.

  8. planetross says:

    This reminded me of this skit from “Almost Live”:

  9. Weird. Slugs are my least hated of all disgusting things because they’re so slow. My administration would eliminate centipedes, spiders, silver fish, and mosquitoes before even considering the slug problem.

    And, yes, I realize this comment is two weeks late.

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