Chatting With Mars RatPosted: June 2, 2013
Last night, I was sitting around, getting a lot of nothing done. They say that idle hands are the devil’s workshop. My workshops were on the couch behind my head so they have no blame in this matter. One of my hands picked up the phone when it rang. That’s what hands do.
“Hello”, I said in that questioning way that we all answer the phone. A rather high-pitched voice came through the earpiece – “Oma, it’s me, Mars Rat”.
“Mars Rat, from the NASA photo on the internet?”
“How many Mars Rats do you know? Yes, Mars Rat from the internet”
It seemed that the rat had a bit of an attitude. I asked if there was a reason he was calling me. “I was surfing the net on the way to Mars and stumbled across your blog and read a lot of your stuff. It’s pretty obvious you’ve got too much time on your hands. I needed someone who was sure to answer the phone. You fit the bill.”
Mars Rat has me pegged. He is smarter than your average rodent.
“Look, I need you to get the word out for me. There’s some baloney being spread about me and I want to put a stop to it.”
I’m no fan of baloney, or even malarkey. Shenanigans, I enjoy, but the rat made no mention of them.
“What’s the baloney you need help with?” I asked. He said “I’ve gotten popular since my photo was spotted on line. Today I read that some UFO conspiracy theorist guy was floating the idea that NASA sent me up here as part of a secret experiment to see how long I’d live. That isn’t true. I’m a stowaway.”
Stowing away on a NASA rocket is no small achievement. I told the rat that I was impressed and asked how he survived the trip. He told me that he survived by chewing the insulation off the wires on the Mars Curiosity Rover. According to him, the Rover is barely functioning because of his diet. “Seriously, it’s a bucket of bolts,” he told me. Then he got us back on topic.
“Look, I don’t know how long my battery will hold out, so listen up. I’m up here because I stowed away. It was my idea. These clowns that treat this like I’m the victim of some great conspiracy don’t understand human nature.”
“What do you know about human nature?” I asked. “People can’t keep secrets and they don’t agree on much”, he told me. “So even if someone wanted to send me up here, someone would have let the cat, or rat, out of the bag long before some conspiracy theorist. You’re a cop, right Oma? How do most criminals who work together get caught?”
That was an easy question. Most people who manage to cobble together a conspiracy get caught because one of them starts talking to someone. The Rat was right. If NASA did put him on this journey, the word would have leaked out by now.
“OK” I said, “you’re pretty much saying that it is ridiculous to think that this is some sort of plot to send you to Mars and that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.”
“Exactly” he said. Mars Rat started to elaborate, but it started to become hard to hear him. The line went silent. I tried desperately to get him to respond – “Omawarisan to Mars Rat, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong. Can you hear me Mars Rat? Can you hear me Mars Rat?”
Anyhow, Mars Rat and I have little patience for conspiracy theory types. We can’t put four people in a room here in the US and get them to agree on whether the sun is up (it isn’t up). Conspiracies are nearly impossible to assemble and harder to maintain.
I wish the media wouldn’t give attention to the sort of people who spread these theories.
Here’s a video of the photo of Mars Rat, which is actually a rock. To be sure, it is a rock that looks like a rodent. The video has ominous music. Ominous music is really good for proving conspiracies.
- ‘Mars Rat’ Taking Internet by Storm (space.com)