Five Signs You’ll Get Alzheimers

I’m aging.

I meet a lot of people who complain about getting older. That’s their right, I suppose. You’ll not hear me whine about aging. When a person stops aging, they don’t get much else done. I’ve got too much on my plate right now to stop aging.

Getting older has meant a lot of change for me. My solar sex panel is expanding. A lot of people call me sir. That used to happen at work because of my rank, now it’s because I’m an antique. A kid is now defined as someone under 28. I’m starting to get senior discounts. The ads that are targeted toward me are changing too.

There’s This Guy

This gentleman and whatever company he represents keep popping up in my internet ads. It seems that, somehow, they’re going to profit from the concerns of people my age who worry about Alzheimer’s disease.

The way I understand it, if you have Alzheimer’s you’ve got it. If not, you don’t. There isn’t really a way to fix it. The lack of a cure doesn’t stop folks from trying to squeeze a few bucks out of my demographic.

As a public service, I’m going to give you five signs that you might get Alzheimer’s. Free. It won’t even cost you a mouse click on this ad when it pops up on your screen.

Let’s pause here to pick at the poor grammar of this ad. The sentence “5 signs you’ll get Alzheimer’s” reads as if it is a given that you’ll get the disease because these people have seen those tell-tale signs on you. Is it even legal for a digit to begin a sentence?

I don’t feel bound by the word choices of these hucksters. So here are my…

David Crosby performing in 2006

David Crosby, for those who said “I don’t” to question 4.Seeing this picture does not increase your score.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My Five Signs You Could Get Alzheimer’s

  1. You click on ads like this one.
  2. You like that shirt.
  3. You look like David Crosby.
  4. You know who David Crosby is.
  5. You’re still alive.

I have validated this test by taking it myself:

  1. I don’t click on these ads
  2. That shirt rocks. I would buy two, just so I’d have one when I wore the first one out.
  3. I do not look like David Crosby
  4. I know who David Crosby is.
  5. I’m still alive.

So, that’s four of five questions. On a one hundred point scale, five questions work out to twenty points a question. My test gives me an eighty percent chance of getting Alzheimer’s.

But I’ve been wrong before. For instance, question two seems invalid because that shirt is great. Who wouldn’t love that shirt? If we drop question two , my score goes to three out of four. A seventy-five percent chance is better, right?

Better by far.


Yeah. Maybe I’d better redesign the test.

update: it’s been pointed out that I got 3, not 4 of 5 on the first test. I’m leaving the error in place because I’m trying to act like that’s part of the test…or something.


26 Comments on “Five Signs You’ll Get Alzheimers”

  1. Laura says:

    I think, actually, that you have 4 out of six signs, or a 67% chance. Sign #6 is: you miscounted how many of signs 1-5 you have.

  2. HA! Ha! Found your site via The Daily Post. There is an eye test out there that can tell you whether or not you will develop Alzheimers. I like yours better.

  3. Hi, It’s my first time to your blog. I saw your Interview on the Daily Post. Congrats! Hey, not only do I know who David Crosby is, I know his long lost son. Seriously, my brothers grew up with his son. Years later, in his twenties, he discovered that his dad is David Crosby. And, he went on to tour with him, because is a musician too. True story. Thought I would share.

  4. Kristen Nace says:

    Hi Mr. Blurt. I think you picked up a lot of new readers from that Daily Post interview, myself included. I am enjoying your blog!
    Question: Is that you wearing the (very cool) shirt in the 5 Signs You Have…ad? I’m confused. (which could mean I have Alzheimer’s, I know.) ( I actually worry more about Mad Cow Disease because I lived in the U.K. during the Mad Cow years) If that is you, you do look like David Crosby. Just a bit. I hope this hasn’t come as a shock.

    • omawarisan says:

      Hi, Kristen, and welcome.

      That isn’t me, though I would wear that shirt. I’m significantly more regal than that Crosby clone. I’m not going to put that in any sort of number value since I obviously don’t do well with that sort of thing.

  5. Katie says:

    I don’t click on the ads and I’m still alive, but I’m also 23 and already retired from math, so…

    It’ll probably be heart disease.

  6. 20%! Woo-hoo! I’ve never been so happy to get an F.

  7. All I can say is, “Hahahahaha!!!”

  8. 2 outta 5. Fail. Awesome 🙂

  9. omawarisan says:

    Congrats, you got a D!

    2 of 5…so you don’t like the shirt.

  10. We Found Him Captain! says:

    I keep forgetting who Awlheimzer is? Do I have to be German to join his club? Please send me an application.

  11. I totally thought you did the miscount on purpose to catch us out. Just stick with that.

  12. I had a comment all prepared, but I’ve forgotten what I was going to type.
    Who are you again?

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