Five Routine Minutes: Jumping Off The Toilet

Spiders and I don’t usually have issues with one another. Perhaps it is the knowledge that each of us is capable of destroying the other that keeps us from bothering each other.

Now and again, one of us wanders too far into the world the other lives in. Sometimes the intruder pays a cost when that happens. Straying into spider territory got me a little bite on my arm.

A few days later, a spider came too far into my world. There was a spider web in my bathroom, near the ceiling.

I stood up on the lid to reach the web and get rid of the spider.

Do you know what isn’t a good step-ladder? A toilet. I got the job done anyhow.

Perhaps getting a good push-off when I jumped off the can was not a good idea. The hinges that connect the seat and lid to the porcelain broke. The seat moved, that threw me off-balance…

I placed the seat back on the toilet. That was a mistake.

Late that night, I woke up and needed to go to the bathroom. Half asleep, I staggered toward potty time. I plopped myself on the seat without remembering that nothing but gravity was holding it to the W.C.. The seat slid and fell off the side. So did I.

I thought I showed good form. The Czech judge disagreed.

No glasses at night

Somewhere, a spider is having the last laugh

Post Script – I was eating lunch while I drafted this. After the Kung Pao Chicken came the fortune cookie. Spooky, spooky fortune cookie.



43 Comments on “Five Routine Minutes: Jumping Off The Toilet”

  1. Laura says:

    Did the spider eat your shorts?

  2. What? A three? I guess the judge did not figure in the degree of difficulty that one, with their bleachables around their ankles, needs to exhibit simply not to break their neck on the landing. One thing I am not clear one though: Spiders laugh?

    • omawarisan says:

      Yes, spiders laugh. It is a very mocking tone.

      Bleachables cracked me up. I had not heard that before now. I went with color in mine about 15 years ago. It was like when Dylan went electric, only not like that.

  3. Daile says:

    Now that explains the story behind the wall of toilet seats. Spiders are way scarier than that in Australia. And everywhere is spider territory. . .

  4. xacrest says:

    I think your story has the correct amount of serious. One of my worst fears is a spider hiding under the toilet seat.

  5. Dream says:

    Spiders are my mortal enemies. Plus, I also have crickets that look like spiders…and jump AT you. Yeah, that’s fun.

  6. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    It might be difficult to remember this, Oma, late at night, on your way to the bathroom, stumbling through your hangover, but always, ALWAYS turn on the light first, do a thorough sweep of the room, check inside the toilet (snakes can be hiding there), and then kill anything that doesn’t resemble a family member BEFORE sitting on the pot. You could also equip the bathroom with an assortment of bug sprays and swatters. I don’t know why I have to tell you this stuff.

    Get that bite looked at!

  7. knace says:

    I really am trying not to respond to every single thing you post- but it is very hard for me. The first step to a cure is admitting I have a problem, I know. Maybe I need to follow other blogs, or actually attempt to do some housework. I was just going to Like this one and not say I think you were ROBBED by the Czech judge. But for some reason it’s not letting me Like.

  8. sarahnsh says:

    I haven’t ever caught a spider biting me so I’m unsure who did it, but I know someone has to be blamed for the bites I wake up with in the morning! And I’ve heard they crawl in your mouth if you sleep with it open… Ew. I’m sorry that this spider was plotting revenge against you and won. Well, he won this round at least but you’ll have your revenge! 😉

    • omawarisan says:

      You know, I went camping when I was a kid and something bit my eyelid in my sleep. I wonder if that was a spider. If so, I am grateful I had my mouth closed.

  9. knace says:

    Never mind! =)

  10. Dan Hennessy says:

    Do you want flies , or do you want spiders ? Who’s standing up for spiders here ? No one . Very unfair . And , you seem to lump all spiders together , as if they were all of one evil mind . shame , shame !

  11. Your toilet drawing indicates that you hover. Full contact is required. Remember that.

  12. pegoleg says:

    Considering that the spider was as big as your whole head, you have got to be the bravest person I know! (I was going to comment on the glasses in the Czech judge panel until I saw the little caption underneath. Way to cover all the details.)

    • omawarisan says:

      Spiders that large fight really hard.

      I had to make an artistic choice on the sleepy me drawing. People who’ve actually seen me have a hard time picking me out without my glasses. I figured it would be a challenge for those who’ve seen stick figure me.

  13. Those Czech judges are harsh. And obviously the makers of toilet seats need to do better quality control. Don’t they have tests to simulate the weight of an adult man standing on them? Because that would come in handy. I try not to kill spiders if I can help it. I used to have a teeny tiny spider who had a web right next to my window. I named her Priscilla. She just seemed like a girl. She lived there for a long time, until one day she packed up her stuff and left her web and I never saw her again. Bitch.

    Also, you never told me how you knew I was in Hoboken!

    • omawarisan says:

      Priscilla didn’t understand loyalty. Uncool.

      I’m sorry, thought I explained. Sorry if that knocked you for a loop. The city name started popping up on my cluster map there in the right side bar around the time that we did the interview thing. I figured it was someone who’d recently started falling by. I clicked on the map the day I asked you about Hoboken. I saw someone from there had visited and then a comment from you came in, so I asked.

      I was born there, left in first grade. Lived in my grandparents’ house on Jefferson Street near the fire station.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh no, this is straight up internet gold. Those people who find the blog looking for nude oma pics can now find oma underwear pics.

      Show me the money.

  14. Ah, the mystery of why you were toilet seat shopping is now clear.
    Any landing without your glasses on deserves at least a 5.

  15. Mimi says:

    I never go to the bathroom in the dark just in case there are spiders or other things that might reach out and touch me. We’ve been fighting these gross lizards in the shower/bathroom for a while. Sneaky little things! They’re quick too!

  16. It has long been whispered that there is a suspiciously close affiliation between Czech judges and the deep pockets of the spider lobby.

    Wow, that fortune is right on the money.

    • omawarisan says:

      Skullduggery and intrigue. Hmm. Mostly skullduggery though.

      I was a little uncomfortable with fanciful, but it isn’t my place to put words in the cookies mouth. Fanciful just felt not quite as manly as I’d have liked.

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