Dear Spammer

A lot of bright people read Blurt. It appears that you’re part of that bright group, because here you are again. I hope that you know that I appreciate your return and your supportive comments. Because of that, I can’t say that I will be devoting an entire post to any of your comments.

However, a spammer just left a comment on a piece I wrote about candy corn back in 2010. That comment I will do a post on.

English: Candy corn, specifically Brach's cand...

What’s it all about? (Photo credit: Wikipedia, public domain)

I believe in handling unpleasantness privately, praising publicly and communicating in a format where all parties are comfortable. Since this spam was intended for publication on my blog, I’m comfortable with responding here, in public.

The Spam

Here is the spam note from someone named Maik:

What i do not realize is in reality how you are now not actually a lot more
neatly-appreciated than you may be now. You are so intelligent.
You recognize therefore considerably in terms of this subject,
produced me in my opinion consider it from a lot
of numerous angles. Its like men and women are not involved unless it is something to do with Girl gaga!

Your individual stuffs outstanding. Always take care of it up!

The Response

Dear Maik,

Thanks for recognizing that I’m under appreciated. I too, have a hard time realizing that I’m not actually as appreciated in reality as I am in my fantasy life. In that fantasy life, women swoon and men seek me out as a role model, a buddy and a mentor.

Transferring that to reality, where it belongs, doesn’t work. Because I struggle with understanding that I am not actually as appreciated as I could be, I make the mistake of shunning potential golf buddies because, hey, swooning women. Sadly, it seems that not being highly appreciated leads to minimal swooning.

If you put the fantasy versus reality thing aside, I’m intelligent. You are intelligent for recognizing that. Your intelligence eclipses the fact that you call yourself Maik when everyone else spells your name M-i-k-e. You could be better than using some pretentious misspelling of your name to garner attention. You could be, you’re just not.

Mike, a writer’s task is to move people to consider and imagine his vision. I’m thrilled to hear that you are going to consider candy corn from different angles because of what I had to say. Hearing that from your ilk makes me want to say that my work here is done. It isn’t. I’ve got more opinions, Mike. I won’t rest until you’ve read them all.

Spam, served with corn kernels

Spam, served with corn kernels (Photo credit: Wikipedia, public domain)

No, I’m not nearly finished with you, Mike. I’m not finished because despite all the effort I put into my candy corn essay, you missed the point. How dare you come here and try to compete with the wisdom of the vast Blurt readership by saying “its like men and women are not involved unless it is something to do with Girl gaga”.

It is nothing like that. You’re the only one who says it is.

It’s just candy corn. Until you understand that, you’ll stay in my spam folder, where you belong…with your friends who want to sell me designer handbags, optimize my blog for search engines or optimize me for better girl gaga.

Good day, sir.


46 Comments on “Dear Spammer”

  1. I love when a spade is called a spade. Well done.

  2. Laura says:

    I hate to admit this, but he has a point. I haven’t appreciated you nearly as neatly as I should have. To be honest, I’ve been appreciating you sloppily or even haphazardly all this time. I apologize and will try to do better in the future.

  3. I once stepped in Girl Gaga. Nasty stuff.

  4. I am trying really hard to think of some witty comment, but your brilliant spammer took all the best words from my mouth.

  5. Daile says:

    Maybe his parent were trying to be unusual naming him Maik? Look, I’m not here to judge.

  6. Yes, this made me laugh out loud!
    So awesome!!
    I was just thinking about I could get into the Spam writing biz, MAN there’s opportunity there. Also, I’d really like the opportunity to just spout randomness off like that!

    • omawarisan says:

      Don’t you wonder if they’d be more effective by sending something that wasn’t gibberish?

      • I do, I really do.
        And I’m sure they would be.
        I do like that the key tactic seems to always be flattery; gibberish flattery mind you, but flattery all the same!

        I have a sideline question to ask you for an upcoming post of mine -> what’s the main reason that makes you want or not want to follow another blog?

  7. All these years, I’ve always considered candy corn to be the universal language of sugary crap, and then Mykc turns my world upside down.

  8. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Girl Gaga? Did he mean Lady Gaga or a diminutive version of her? Has Lady Gaga ever appeared dressed as candy corn? That could be the confusion here with your follower. We wait for his next response with bated candy corn breath.

  9. Despite his praise, Oma, you understand that I will never, ever consider candy corn from a different angle. One angle is bad enough. Still friends?

  10. Katie says:

    Well isn’t this embarrassing–I’ve been calling him “make” all this time.

  11. Just reading that comment gave me a headache. I had to try reading it 4 times. Please pass the Advil.

  12. Debbie says:

    At least his comments were mostly complimentary. There is that!

  13. Wendi says:

    I go one today that sounded very much like a fortune cookie….Perhaps it’s time to set aside the showmanship, and focus on the fundamentals. Namaste.

  14. How do I find these designer handbag spammers? I could use a new bag…

  15. J. M. Brewer says:

    I appreciate your rejoinder nearly as neatly as I ought to not. Well said!
    Michael (Really me)

  16. Blogdramedy says:

    Sounds like Mike needs to be served with a gag(a) order.

  17. I think you and The Byronic Man are tag teaming the spammer powers that be. They must be getting in their quota for the month or something. It’s time for me to start checking out my spam folder so I can learn about girl gaga and designer handbag stuff and such.

  18. Good read…. and I just wanted to let you know that I am a Nigerian Prince and I have $3 Million Dollars that you can have….

  19. I prefer to respond nonsensically.

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