Bad Perfume: Play By PlayPosted: July 31, 2013
A few days ago, I went to get my usual work day breakfast. I held the door for a woman coming in after me and she punished me with her perfume. It was horrible. Thru the miracle of Twitter I was able to document the moment.
Since then, I’ve decided to take on that moment from a few different angles. Today, a television sports play-by-play view of me battling the most horrid smell I’ve encountered on a living person.
Jim: It’s a warm morning here outside the bagel shop, and here comes Omawarisan, just like every other morning.
Ken: Oma is the picture of consistency, Jim. Speaking of every morning, this is the morning he goes over 400 work mornings in a row ordering the same thing for breakfast.
Jim: Inspiring! He is the Cal Ripken of breakfast. Pretzel bagel with cream cheese. You’d think he’d be bored by now.
Ken: Superstition trumps boredom. It looks like our boy is out of the car.
Jim: Yes he is, he’s headed for the door. He’s opening it…and stepped aside! Omawarisan stepped aside to let a woman pass thru the door as he held it open! Wow, his parents raised only gentlemen.
Ken: You haven’t met his brother, have you Jim? That guy is a caveman. Oma, great form there leaving plenty of room when he stepped aside.
Jim: Wait, something is wrong. Oma’s head snapped back. I didn’t see what happened. Did she punch him? That looked awful.
Ken: I’m watching it on replay. She never touched him, but Oma’s head snapped back like he took a punch from Muhammad Ali. He grabbed his face too.
Jim: I’m getting word from our reporter in the store that this female customer seems to have doused herself in some sort of perfume this morning. Lisa, what can you tell us?
(sounds of woman coughing)
Jim: Right, we’ll get back to Lisa when she feels better. Kenny, you picked something up on the replay. Tell us about it.
Ken: Jim, if you watch right here, it looks like Omawarisan took two deep breaths and charged on in…right there! See it? Say what you want about that guy, but nothing stands between him and breakfast.
Jim: And here he comes, back out the door in record time, breakfast in hand! What a play! It looks like Lisa’s caught Oma in the parking lot for an interview. Lisa?
Lisa: Omawarisan, it got horrific in there, was it perfume?
Oma: It was, but Christ that was awful. I think she was swimming in it before she came over.
Lisa: What was the scent? Could you tell?
Oma: I don’t know. I just know that I enjoyed being tear gassed more than that. Her perfume beat me up.
Lisa: Last question, how did you get in and out so quickly?
Oma: The folks behind the counter saw me pull in the lot and started my order. it was ready when I got in. I never stopped moving.
Lisa: There you have it, Omawarisan is back in the game, breakfast in hand. I think he’ll be fine once the chemical burns to his sinuses heal.
Jim: Nice work, Lisa. We’ll all be back tomorrow to cover Omawarisan’s breakfast. Let’s go back to our New York studio for the post-breakfast show. Tom…?
Next up in the Bad Perfume Series, a discussion of the scent, wine review style.