I Can’t Blow A Bubble
Posted: August 16, 2013 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: Bubblegum, comedy, humor, life, postaweek 35 CommentsI’m a competent person.
I dress myself. I cook. I work. I speak. I write. I drive.
So now you have to take off your shirt to chew bubble gum? (Photo credit: Greatist)
I can juggle knives. I’ve scuba dived to feed sharks. I’ve built and destroyed things, typically at the same time.
I’ve saved lives.
I can walk. I can chew gum. I can combine the two.
Looking back on that list, it occurs to me to say that I’m more than competent. I am accomplished and I don’t care who knows it.
But I don’t know how bubble gum works. I get the chewing part; how people make a bubble with it is a mystery to me.
You Think You Can Teach Me…
I know that admitting this will get me tips on how to do it. Whenever I’ve said that I can’t blow a bubble someone has said “I can teach you.” Every one of them has been wrong; well-intentioned, yet wrong.
After decades of attempts and instructions, I’ve never blown a bubble. Good, kind-hearted, patient people have tried. None has been able to teach me. Those who’ve spoken about their fool-proof methods have failed. Perhaps no one they’d taught before me was quite the fool I am.
Ha ha ha, get it? Me neither. (Photo credit: brutha nick)
Did you know there are people who have taught bubble gum blowing so much that they actually have a teaching method? There are. I’m not telling you this in tribute to their gift or their devotion to others. I’m telling you to give you some idea of how far I went in my now abandoned quest to learn the mysterious ways of bubble gum. I actually found people who have methods – that’s how far.
…But I Know You Can’t
Maybe you have a successful bubble gum curriculum. If so, I know you’re reading this and thinking that you are The One. The One who can reach this unreachable student. You are not. I mean no disrespect by that. No one is that teacher.
Hubba Bubba, Bazooka, Bubblicious, the hard gum that comes in baseball cards. It doesn’t matter what kind of bubble gum you give me. I will chew it, I’ll try to blow a bubble and the result will be exactly the same as it was when I was ten years old. A rude noise will come out of my mouth. It could be worse; sometimes the gum shoots out of my mouth and across the room. The one thing that I’m certain won’t happen is a bubble.
My face is uncoordinated. There is nothing anyone can do about that. Thanks for your concern.
Today over on Long Awkward Pause, the team takes on another reader suggested topic. Today’s post is one topic, eight short answers. Stop by and read all about it.
Blurt 
Knowing that has really burst my bubble.
I can’t whistle so I feel your pain. Juggling knifes trumps bubble blowing any day of the week, and I’m not just sayin’ that to make you feel better.
I can’t whistle either! And lots of people have tried to teach me. I can blow bubbles, though.
I can whistle, but not the loud, cool, with-your-teeth whistle. Or drive a stick shift.
Hey, I can’t whistle either. At this rate I have to question whether I can feed myself.
I used not to be able to whistle, but somehow I did learn.
So Oma, there is hope that one day it will come to you! And you’ll have lots of time to practice during retirement….
I can’t whistle either 😦
Hey, it’s okay. It’s an obnoxious habit anyway, isn’t it? Right. I’ve never scuba dived to feed sharks. No, sir!
It is, and not really something that a man of my age needs in his repertoire. I’m not likely to be a third baseman; the baseball field is the only place I could see myself doing that.
You’re just chewing the wrong kind of gum. You need the one where it says “inflatable latex balloons” on the package.
Ahhhhh, the colorful yet flavorless pack!
Oh I get you I can do a lot of things you mentioned here but am yet to make a bubble of a bubble gum. I have seen little kids do it and it is so irritating. They say if you have never killed someone and/or blown a bubble of a bubble gum you will rot in lowest part of hell where they make you write lengthy articles.
Uh oh, I’m in trouble. I don’t want to hurt anyone and well, the other is impossible.
Did you pay these people? Did you find them on Angie’s List? This fascinates me.
I can’t roll my R’s. I don’t know why I feel compelled to share that. My self-confidence seemed fine before I did, though.
Thanks a lot.
Turn that frown upside down, here is your confidence builder of the day:
If you were Spanish, you’d have a speech impediment. You’re not Spanish. Look at all the money you’ve saved on speech therapy.
When my friend Antonio’s name appears on caller id, I answer with my Spanish speech impediment, “Buenos dios, senor. Donde es el bano? Enchildadas?”
He either responds with a long sentence in Spanish (I think it’s a sentence. Maybe he’s reciting the alphabet) or, in the deep official G-man voice he uses to remind me he’s a trained assassin, a long, slow, disapproving, “Hippieeee, you’re not Spanish. Why you answer like this?”
To which I respond, “Whatevs. What do you want?”
I’m kind of adorable. 🙂
I can’t roll Rs either. You’re not alone!
Me neither. When’s the next club meeting?
I can blow bubbles, but I don’t think I’m doing it right because it involves sticking my tongue halfway out of my mouth and peeling gum over it with my teeth. …I think I’ve said too much.
That was one of the methods I was instructed in. Even if I were successful, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.
I suggest you work on that rude sound. There could be a trend in it for you.
Oh I am gifted with the rude sound thing.
Being able to blow bubbles is a highly overrated skill. Chewing 15 pieces of Bazooka bubble gum and not choking is the land where the big boys and girls play. Anyway, who chews bubble gum anymore? And who writes those annoying cartoons in the packs? I wonder how much that person gets paid. Probably a buck a month. I feel guilty now. Must go find Bazooka and chew.
I can blow bubbles. I choose not to.
My heart hurts for you. I want to fix it for you, and I am sorry that I can’t. Hubba Bubba was always my go-to lesson gum. I am sorry that it let you down. You’re still okay in my book.
Just put your lips together and blow…
Can you knot a cherry stem with your tongue? Just wondering because I imagine it involves similar skill set. I’m always fascinated by people who can do that. I can barely knot a cherry stem with my fingers.
I am not a fan of gum, so can’t really relate to your bubble issues. Although I’m not very good at blowing up balloons which maybe is similar. Good thing I never became a clown. I also have never been able to touch my toes – hamstrings like tight rubber bands! Though perhaps that’s more common than I realize.
I can whistle, I can blow bubbles, but I can’t make that trilling sound with my tongue that is required for half the world’s languages. That’s why I decided to be born in America.
I can tie cherry stems with my tongue and blow bubbles. Both highly over-rated skills.
Hey, my daughter can do the same thing with the cherry stems! We have so much in common, Valentine.
Too much time on our hands when we were supposed to be studying. Me? I learned when I was bartending on Sundays.
Far to much time on my hands.
Feeding sharks can be dangerous, especially if it isn’t your intent to do so.
I can whistle AND blow bubbles, but not at the same time. In the overall scheme of things, neither is particularly useful or pretty, nor do they pay well.
I can blow bubbles with bubble gum. Actually, I am really good at it. Don’t worry I believe you…I wouldn’t be able to teach you. I know this because I can’t whistle and no matter who tries or how hard they try I can not whistle. Not if my life or someone I love’s life depended on it. You would think if I could master one the other would come naturally. So tell me…can you whistle?
I can blow a bubble, can’t whistle, can’t juggle knifes. But I can make babies…