Five Routine Minutes: Dropping The F-Bomb
Posted: August 23, 2013 Filed under: Five Minutes | Tags: Bubble wrap, comedy, humor, painting, postaweek, retirement 41 CommentsLast Saturday, the people I worked with at the police department held a party to celebrate my retirement.
It actually wasn’t that kind of party. No pitchforks and torches. There were a lot of laughs and a lot of stories told.
There was even a bubble wrap suit made for me to commemorate my resistance to everyone’s efforts to protect me over my last few months.
A little note to any of you who may get a bubble wrap suit of your own one day. They are very warm. I only lasted two hours in mine.
You may recall a post I did a few years ago about an awful painting that hung in my office. The day before the party, my troops gave me a t-shirt with the painting on it. It was funny, and one example of the many reasons I will miss them terribly.
I wore the t-shirt under my shirt at my retirement celebration. When my time to speak came, after the part where I get kind of choked up and embarrassed, I started unbuttoning my shirt. I spoke of the people I worked with, how I appreciated their care and the gift they’d gone out of their way to have made for me. When the shirt was revealed in all its horrible glory I spoke of the painting in a way that I had before.
Those in the know got a good laugh out of it. In the midst of their laughter, I discovered horror. In my excitement, for just the moment I’d taken to speak of the painting, I lost track of the fact that my mother was in attendance. Mom was laughing, but I was mortified. I had tossed out the f-bomb in the presence of the sainted one.
After it was over, I confirmed that I’d said what I’d said. The truth was horrible. I apologized that night and by phone the next morning.
But I think my mother is happy enough that I’m out and healthy that she’d put up with me dropping the f-bomb for three days straight.
Blurt 
I’m sure your mother is more concerned about your tendency to wear bubble wrap suits and depressing T-shirts. Oh, those young retired people and their bizarre clothing choices… Well, I’ve never been to a retirement party before; should I congratulate you or express condolences?
All congrats. I miss my job, but the other team doesn’t age like mine did. Old bad guys turn good or die out sooner than we retire. There are always new young bad guys.
I think I’d like to hear the story of you making a kid wear an alarm clock.
Well then, I’ll write it for Monday. The story ends with him coming to work on time.
Congratulations!
It is so cool. And weird. And cool.
Time to write.
By “it,” you mean the painting, right? 🙂
Yes, in that bad means good way of speaking.
Congrats! Does this mean you’ll be blogging more? I think we need more posts about your mom, the F-word or the kid with the alarm clock.
I think I’m going to be exploring writing, maybe seeing if I can get a book out. Sort of put up or shut up.
Congratulations!! Did all the pretty girls try to ‘pop you?’ What ever happened to the guy who you were so mean too–I think he whistled or had the audacity to move your post a note pad—I only remember it was funny. Did he come to the party? Mom’s can sometimes have selective hearing, comes with the job.
The singing guy! No, he didn’t make it…and he started it. You don’t go up to people’s desk and sing to them.
There was a lot of popping and I popped myself.
And to think you’ll never have to say “spread ’em” ever again. *giggle*
Well, not without saying please.
Your Mom raised you right.
F–k yeah, she did.
Ah, retirement! I couldn’t be happier! I’m confused by this F-stuff, though. What was it? Fiscal? Fecundity? Fidelitas? Perhaps you busted out a little “familial” for mom? That must be it.
Do you offer the shirt in my size?
I’ve been wearing a bubble wrap suit for years…
You can’t come here and bust out Fidelitas! This is a family show.
As I said, “Stick Figure Artisian”. I was not aware of said retirement! Congrats! That’s gotta feel good. Looking forward to reading some retirement posts. Dropping F-bombs in front of Mom? Yikes… too funny. First few times I dropped it in front of my kids, same thing, didn’t even know I had done it. Oh well…
Oh no. I’m never dropping the bomb in the same area code as her again,
Which part hurt you more – that you said the “f” word in front of your mommy, or that she already knew that word?
Congrats on your retirement!
Oh definitely that I said it. It was terrible.
I kind of hate you, and not because of the “f” word (though, tsk tsk). It’s because there’s probably… 40 years before I can retire. Enjoy the writing, relaxing, and wealth you’ve accumulated you jerk.
I’m going to get myself moving soon. It’s never good to be still. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’ll shorten your time though.
Congrats! I’m glad you didn’t suffocate to death in your bubble wrap suit. That would have ruined bubble wrap and irony for me forever.
They were careful about the suffocation thing. They made a hat, not a helmet.
Congratulations and good luck with the next chapter of your life! I think it will be an exciting one and I hope you will continue to write interesting and funny things about it.=)
My only little bit of retirement advice is: Do NOT get involved with Second Life, get an avatar named Tristan with pink hair and ….you know what- just trust me. I speak from experience. Take up ballroom dance, or wild critter rehab instead.
Thank you. Do you think I can pull off the pink hair if I don’t call myself Tristan?
I wasn’t sure so I consulted my magic eight ball. It said “Signs point to yes”
Mazel tov on your retirement! I wish there was a photo or something of the bubble wrap suit. You could have done that much for us, you know. I regularly swear in front of both my parents—after all, they’re the ones I learned it from. The least I can do is make sure they know I haven’t taken their lessons for granted.
I’ll look at the pictures I have, it is the finest bubble wrap suit,ever.
Congrats! I want to retire! I want a bubble wrap suit! So jealous!
Bubble wrap suit!! oh people take early retirement just so they get to wear those..
Hey Congrats 🙂
By the way what is happening in the second picture..is everything really ok, cos people say it is but it never is and then few months later you are dumping bodies
Weaned from the work world ? Good for you .
Congratulations and wow. This is a big step and one that I know you’ll put to good use. I’m very excited for you and can’t wait to see what you get up to. I will read a book with curse words in it, Oma, as long as they’re not gratuitous, which your F bomb certainly was not. Some paintings can only be described a certain way.
Looking forward to the book probably as much as you were looking forward to retirement. Glad you made if safely through your short-timers stint.
“It’s OK Oma, I know that word”. Spoken like a true saint.
Congrats on your retirement and now let the fun begin:clean out the garage, rack the yard, paint the kitchen…..:)
Welcome to the retirement zone…you’re gonna like it. Next week’s post is about my first 30 days in retirement.
The Retirement Zone…is that like The Twilight Zone? Congrats Oma, and welcome to the rest of your life.
I don’t think I could do a bubble wrap suit, perhaps a bubble wrap dress! And i want to see this T-Shirt it sounds amazing
It sounds like they gave you a fitting send off.
Your Mom probably does know that word and she was probably aware that you know that word. It is one of those unspoken understandings. At some point she will say, “Remember that time you used the “F” word in front of me? Oh, my, Oma, I was so shocked!”, and you will both laugh.
Congratulations!