The One Where I Try Not To Sound InsensitivePosted: August 30, 2013
It is 1:57 a.m. . For my military and European friends, that’s 0157. I don’t usually start writing at 0157, but I’ve been awake since 0113. I have Apple to thank for that.
I’m writing this, and hoping I don’t come across as any more of a jerk than usual, so I’m going to write it carefully.
You see, I care. I care about people. People I’m related to, I care. People I know, I care. Same for people I don’t know yet, people I’ll never know and dogs. I am one caring individual. Hopefully, you believe that; I care about your opinion.
Now That I’ve Established My Nice Guy Credibility
So, it is with the sincerest sort of care than I can muster that I say to you, Apple, manufacturer of the amazing iPhone that is charging next to my bed, that I don’t need to know about an Amber Alert at 0113 hours (1:13 am to my non-European, non-military friends).
It isn’t that I don’t care that someone is missing. I do. It matters to me that someone is worrying about that missing someone. But in the wee hours of the morning, I am generally not in a position to help. In fact, I would go as far as to say that unless the bad guy drives up next to my bed and says…
…Say brother, you wouldn’t happen to know where a tired kidnapper could lay his head, would you? I got The Man breathing down my neck. I just gotta get a few winks and I’ll be good to drive again…
…I’m probably not going to be the heroic citizen who makes the call and saves the day.
The argument could be made that the Amber Alert went out to all phones, regardless of whether their owners were asleep or not. I contend, Apple, that you know when I am sleeping and you know when I’m awake. That may be an overstatement, but you do know when I am at home because I can tell my phone to remind me to do things when I get home. Awake or asleep, the odds are against me locating any desperadoes in my home, much less a specific desperado.
So I beseech you, Apple, to arrange for the Amber Alerts to come to our phones only when we are not at home. Not at home is where we are going to find the bad guys.
Is It Free Speech To Yell Fire In A Crowded School In My Sleep?
Oh, P.S., that alarm is loud. School fire alarm loud. When it went off, my first thought was not “someone is missing”. It was “holy crap, the school is on fire and I’m asleep”. Don’t worry though, once I peed on my sheets at the sound of that alarm and the idea that I might be on fire, I was able to wake up enough to realize that it was only my iPhone.
Only my iPhone, telling me something I can’t do a damned thing about now.
But fix it.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to do a load of
yellows whites to toss in the laundry.