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When I Am Rich: My Own Baseball Team

I was never a good baseball player. As a Little League player, I was a contact hitter. I never hit a home-run, and was a liability in the field. My playing career ended when I was twelve years old. Now I’m fifty-one. The train to me being a great baseball player left the station a long time ago.

Baseball game, Manzanar Relocation Center, Cal...

Each game my team plays will be in color, at no extra cost to you. (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

Fortunately, I can still be involved in the game. I am going to buy a baseball team when this blog makes me rich. As we all know, that should happen any minute now.

Not Your Average Yahoo

Some might wonder what qualifies me as a baseball team owner. I contend that men like George Steinbrenner and Peter Angelos have proved that any yahoo can own a baseball team. I am not just any yahoo.

I’ll buy a minor league team. Minor league baseball is cooler than the major league game on many levels. Minor league players want to move up to the majors. While they’re on my minor league team they’ll have the best of everything to help them reach their goal.

Of course, there will be some things that are a little different for my players. After all, I’m not just any yahoo.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A few weeks ago, I was at a Kannapolis Intimidators baseball game. Before the team was The Intimidators they were the Piedmont Boll Weevils. The area the team represents was built on a textile based economy. Nothing could shut that economy down faster than a boll weevils in the cotton fields. And nothing is dumber than giving a team a nickname that menaces itself.

Piedmont Boll Weevils, 1996–2000

Piedmont Boll Weevils, dumb team name. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That dumb idea gave me a great idea. My team will simply be named after the town where it plays. For demonstration purposes, We’ll use my home town, Oxon Hill, MD.

My innovation is that the team will take on a nickname that is the natural enemy of the mascot of the opposing team or of their area. When my team plays a team called The Snakes, we will be the  Oxon Hill Mongooses. When we play The Bulls, my team will change their name to the Oxon Hill Steak Knives. When we go play a team in a cotton-producing area, we will be the Oxon Hill Boll Weevils and strike fear into fans and players alike.

Arguing With Umpires

There is a lot of arguing in baseball. Umpires make judgements in the blink of an eye; players and fans disagree with those decisions. These arguments are part of the game, but they’re so inefficient. My team will argue smarter.

As the team owner, I will forbid my players and managers from arguing with the umpires about whether a pitch was a called strike or not. The umps are ready for that. I want arguments that keep the umpires off guard and prone to mistakes that favor my team.

My team will keep the umps off-balance by arguing things that are not contestable and sometimes not even favorable to them.

For example, my best hitter is at bat. The pitcher throws a knuckle-ball. The pitch fools the batter,  who swings hard and misses badly. The umpire calls a strike. The batter argues the call, insisting he did not swing the bat and the pitch should be called a ball. The umpire is so baffled by the argument that he isn’t focused when the next player comes up. His lack of focus leads to a few mistaken rulings in my team’s favor. I’m pretty sure this strategy will translate to a few extra wins per season.

The benefits of me owning a baseball team will extend to the fans too.

Big Changes For The Fans

ARS peanuts

Free, because I will be a great team owner. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everyone who attends home games at my baseball stadium will get a bag of peanuts. Why? Because I like peanuts. Fans won’t have to eat them if they don’t like them. Also, I know that some people are allergic to peanuts. There will be a peanut free seating section for those folks.

Games at my ball park will start just as they do at every other park, with a singing of the National Anthem. But my staff will not audition singers in advance. Instead, my promotions people will choose someone, at random, from the fans entering the gate for each game. That lucky fan will sing The Star Spangled Banner to get things started.

My baseball franchise will continue the tradition of having someone throw out a ceremonial first pitch. But with the privilege of throwing out the first pitch will come potential public shaming.

I’m sick of seeing people walking out to throw the first pitch and not getting the ball even close to the plate. It just seems to me that if you’re going to throw a ball in front of thousands of people it might be a good idea to practice first. In my ball park, if you haven’t bothered to practice and you muff the first pitch, your seat location will be announced so that fans can stop by and mock you.

Because I will be the owner, I will have a luxury seating box. But I will spend most games in the stands, eating peanuts with the fans. So, if you bought a ticket to see the Oxon Hill Steak Knives vs. The Bulls, I might be in the seat next to you. Lots of people would love to give the owner of their local teams a piece of their mind. I will make it easy for them to do that.

I’ll be known as the most innovative baseball team owner in the history of the game. “Not just any yahoo”, that’s what they’ll say about me…just as soon as this blog starts making me rich.

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28 Comments on “When I Am Rich: My Own Baseball Team”

  1. lbwoodgate says:

    I love how you don’t let little things like reality disrupt your dream. 🙂

    • omawarisan says:

      This could be real. Consider the marketing angle. If it’s a ten team league, my team will have 9 jerseys, both home and away. It would be so uncool to wear your Steak Knives jersey to a Boll Weevils game.

      And Peter Angelos really is a jerk; the end of a proud franchise.

  2. We Found Him Captain! says:

    Another good name for your team would be “the Oxon Hill Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” Dukes. They could go on tour and challenge various fire department baseball teams. After the game the losing team has to run the bases while the winning team tries to catch them and set their pants on fire with ordinary stick matches.( this is almost impossible to do because you have to run after the losers and try to strike a match at the same time as you are trying to keep the flame from blowing out). They have to keep running and touch the bases. I’m picturing this and I can’t stop laughing………. I’m just saying……..Oh boy!! I can’t stop laughing…………I can’t stooooopppp!!!!! I’ll be at every game.

  3. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I love your ideas – especially the one about choosing the Anthem singer from the crowd. No more daughters of owners trying to make it big at the expense of the paying plebes. You didn’t talk about team uniforms – could they change their outfits after each inning? That might make me pay more attention to the game.

    • omawarisan says:

      The uniform change is a good idea. It would cause more confusion by the other team. And each game, one of the players would have one minor thing that is different about their uniform than all his teammates – like those puzzles when we were kids. if you find the player you get a prize.

  4. I want to be one of the managers of your team. I’m not a big baseball fan and can’t play as well, but I can spit.

  5. Betty says:

    As I read this post, the Wild Thing song kept running through my brain because all I could think of was the movie Major League. You’d need to have one of those little Jobu statues too.

  6. I will attend every game your team plays. And I’m not just doing it for the peanuts.

  7. Todd says:

    I think a good name for a baseball team would be “The Boo.” Then, whenever someone screws up, or the umps make a bad call, it’ll be like they’re really cheering for the home team.

  8. Bryan says:

    Well, if you’re going to be true innovator, maybe the time is right to make the baseball equivalent of the Harlem Globetrotters. OR, you could have “high school metaphor night.” When a batter reaches first, spectators are encouraged to kiss (reaching “first base”). If a base runner STEALS second anybody can reach over and grab their neighbor’s boob. Home run celebrations would be very interesting. You will have to help me with the rest because I am only good at striking out.

  9. Debbie says:

    What is it about owning a sports team that gets people excited? Domer wants to own a football team. Or a basketball team. I can’t remember. You’ve proposed some interesting changes, especially the National Anthem singing and the toss-out first pitch. Yeah, I’d like to see that!

  10. Will your promotional nights also coordinate with the team name? For example, when you play the Bulls, will it be Ronco Steak Knife night?

  11. dufmanno says:

    When I’m rich I’m going to hire a court jester and pay for the trap door that he’ll fall through every time he fails to make me laugh.

  12. I love minor league baseball. It’s terrific the way you can get right up close to the players. In fact, with your team, I’d recommend having the fans right in the dugout. That will keep the opponents off balance and help with your plan to increase arguing with the umps.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Excellent ideas, all. I was at three baseball games this weekend and was fantasizing about the rules that would be enforced at the ballpark that I’ll own someday: 1. Seat belts will be used during play. 2. Fans will be shown to their seats by ushers. They will not be allowed to enter the grandstand during play, only during inning breaks. 3. Clap tracks will never, ever be played over the public address system. I’m sure Oxon Hill is a lovely town, so I’d be happy to consider building the stadium there.


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