An Open Letter To The Kid In The Food Court

Dear Food Court Kid,

L Type Socket Spanner - Wrench

You, metaphorically speaking. (Photo credit: tudedude)

I’m in my fifties and I forget a lot of things. But you know, I remember being nineteen, just like you.

Yup, I remember picking up a third job during the summer to be able to pay for school. I recall working my butt off in college. In my free time, I did things I probably wouldn’t do now. And I remember how awkward it felt on that precipice between being a kid and an adult.

You’re Kind Of A Tool. Well, A Lot A Tool.

Well, maybe I wasn’t just like you. On my worst day, I wasn’t nearly the tool that you seem to be.

English: A megaphone vector image created usin...

Subtle. Try it some time. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being loud sometimes is part of being nineteen. But part of successfully navigating that precipice into adulthood is recognizing that there’s a difference between “loud sometimes” and being so loud that you can assure yourself that all around you can enjoy your wit. You see, there is a difference between someone hearing you and  them enjoying what they hear.

I, and everyone around could hear everything you spoke about. That seemed a goal of yours. Congratulations on achieving it. Sadly, your attempts at humor were pitiful.


When someone has a good sense of humor, they don’t have to speak in shouting tones to broadcast it. People gather to them to partake in the humor. Perhaps you noticed that…wait, that’s silly of me. I know damned well you didn’t notice because you were too occupied entertaining yourself to notice anything but the sound of your voice.

Let me try it this way. I noticed two things that should have told you that people were not enjoying your performance. First, there was at least one table between you and any other occupied table. People didn’t want to sit near you. I also noticed the lack of laughter from your two friends. When you rattled on about how foolish some acquaintance of yours sounded when he said the word churro, you were the only one laughing.

Things like distance and lack of laughter are called “clues”. You should look into getting a few.

Hey, Slick. Shampoo, Get Some.

Shampoo and conditioner

Shampoo and conditioner. This is pretty advanced. Just go for shampoo. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. (Photo credit: danisabella)

Do you know what else you should consider getting? Shampoo.

Shampoo is soap, for your hair. Your mom is probably familiar with it. She may even have some coupons. Put the Xbox on pause and talk to her about it the next time she comes down to the basement.

It’s important to learn that people are willing to give you a break. We’re all human. We do things and then we rely on others to give us a little slack so that we can learn from our mistakes.

As a former awkward nineteen year old, I cut current awkward nineteen year olds plenty of slack. Unfortunately, you are so aggressively a fool that I can’t give you any slack.

I Am A Peaceful Man, But…

When you said “remember when I had that blood clot in my arm? I pretty much had a stroke, but I’m young enough that it didn’t affect me”, I wanted to come over and dope slap you. Only the law and the fact that I didn’t want to touch your greasy hair kept me from knocking some sense into you.

If, in fact, you did have some sort of stroke, it is my duty to tell you that you are wrong; it did affect you.

Be quiet. Observe the world. Stop inflicting yourself upon it. You’ll notice yourself feeling a lot less awkward. We’ll all enjoy each others company a lot more. Who knows what can happen for you from there?


That guy, over there, glaring at you

(yes, I even heard when you whispered)

Alright, now that I’ve got that off my chest I can tell you that I will have pieces up this weekend on the two other blogs I write on – Long Awkward Pause and The Nudge Wink Report. I write once a month for both, both my once a months hit at the same time.

The writers of Long Awkward Pause are taking on interviews with monsters, sort of a Halloween thing. At Nudge Wink, I’ll be holding forth on some news related topic that I ought to start writing about soon. Both those blogs have a lot of good writers, and me. Hope to see you there.



30 Comments on “An Open Letter To The Kid In The Food Court”

  1. shoutabyss says:

    I call them Generation Why???

  2. Todd says:

    I think that kind of boorishness comes from either low self-esteem, where you want everyone to look at you and like you, or low intelligence, where you, literally, are an idiot.

  3. I don’t think it ends at 19 because there was a guy at the bar last night who was obnoxiously loud and was definitely not 19. Do men revert to 19 after several drinks?

  4. Next time just slap him. As someone who lives in a building full of 19 year olds, I’ve been dying to slap some of these guys. Do it for me.

  5. Dan Hennessy says:

    Calm down , man ! The world is full of them . 🙂

  6. He sounds like the male equivalent of a Woo Girl.

  7. kimpugliano says:

    Pleasedontletnoahbelikethat pleasedontletnoahbelikethat pleasedontletnoahbelikethat

  8. Debbie says:

    Two phrases come to mind — lack of self esteem and “big man” complex. Both are annoying (scratch that, make it irritating). One can only hope that somewhere along the line, this poor fella will get clued in as to what’s proper behavior, conversation, appearance. And what’s not. Otherwise, he’s doomed to what could be a miserable existence. Sad that either nobody cares or he’s not listening.

  9. whatrthis says:

    I’m eighteen years old and I unfortunately am categorized under the same generation as this individual. I’m glad you realize that there are some decent teenagers out there because some people would disagree. Sadly, there are too many like the one you mentioned and therefore, we get a bad reputation.

    • omawarisan says:

      That’s the thing. People get lumped together generationally. Sure there are similarities, but mostly , that’s not fair.

      You represent yourself well. I’m sure your problems with getting tarred with the “sins” of some in your age group are a lot less because of how you present yourself.

    • Laura says:

      The problem is that the loud obnoxious people are the ones that stand out. There are at least three teenagers in this story, and probably more (it takes place in a food court, after all), but the only one anyone will remember is the one loud obnoxious one.

  10. Loud talking is not limited to teen somethings. There are plenty of loud talkers who are adults. Adults doesn’t sound right. Older than teen something people. You can see them in check out lines or movies. There is always a gap between them and everyone else. The only difference is that they have taken to washing their hair.

  11. pegoleg says:

    I am squirming in embarrassment for that awkward, clueless kid.

    I remember being 14 and trying to impress my uber-funny, sarcastic uncle with my rapier like wit. He looked at me with hooded eyes and a slight smile and said “you’re trying to hard, kid.” How devastating!

    I’m also full of sympathy for you, the annoyed and put-upon diner. Somebody’s adorable toddler was full of lively hijinks at a restaurant I went to the other night. If looks could kill I would be behind bars right now.

  12. I was on vacation in Vegas last weekend and an Extremely, extreme obnoxious guy around 21 set the record. He went so far beyond rude, loud, look at me, annoying that I was wishing we were in a state that allowed the use of carrying a concealed weapon. Wanted to cold cock him with hit. I told my husband that I’m Sure I was an annoying teenager, as we used to hit Denny’s and be stupid, but we didn’t swear in public, if we got ‘The Stare’ from an adult, we clammed up, and if the manager walked by us twice, we knew our time limit was reached. We never had to be kicked out, but back then it wouldn’t have been a problem and hurting our feelings would have been a big BFD. Adults did not kowtow to teenagers and you didn’t talk balk. I think the biggest problem with the kids, and adults who act like kids is that they get away with it, so there are no boundaries. No ones Dares says anything to them in public for fear of retaliation from said offender, or even worse, an obnoxious nearby parent who defends their horrendous behavior. And since no one near by is willing to stick their neck out and be on your side, we all just look the other way and hope it will stop. We have become a society of wusses.

  13. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Such awkward years. Some of them learn. Some don’t. Then you end up working with them and having to punk them with the Dry Cleaning Gag. These kids live the most painful lives – they try way too hard to be liked and it yields few favorable results. Eventually, everyone except their most loyal friend ignores them. Obnoxious behavior is quite isolating. I’m convinced that most teens need mandatory Charm School before they go on to inflict themselves upon society for the rest of their lives.

    I avoid Food Courts like the plague. They do seem to bring out the uncouth.

  14. Blogdramedy says:

    I think you just discovered the one thousand and ONE use for duct tape.

  15. Katie says:

    At least I wash my hair.

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